In His Presence

This morning I sat in awe and tears. For the first time in the last 6 years, I finally see the story of my life flowing toward a complete circle. There is a part of our adoption story that I haven't shared in detail here yet. It's so exciting to me to share this part of our story, however, I am struggling to put it into words. But today is the day.

I need to back up a few days, actually. You know how there is this app called Timehop? Well for those of you that may not know, it links to your Facebook and it shows you a daily picture of what you posted on your Facebook on that day for every year before. It's really been fun to see different posts I've made during different seasons of life, or pictures of my kids as they were younger. But then there are also days when I am reminded of hard stuff.

For those of you that don't know us or are newer friends, we lost our second son, Kristopher, through stillbirth 6 years ago on August 1 at 37 1/2 weeks. You can read more about our journey through all of that starting HERE. So, for the past few weeks, I've been seeing status updates that I had written 6 years ago as I was getting ready to give birth to him.  I've been reading as I posted about different moments of my pregnancy that were funny or special and even ordinary. I have smiled as I remembered that one time when he did somersaults in my belly after I ate Red Lobster, or all the nights that he kicked like crazy while I was trying to go to sleep. I'm so thankful I treasured those moments. And I have laughed at the funny comments that little 3 year old Stephen said about my big belly.

 Then on Thursday, I read this post:

And I cried. I cried because I realized that this was most likely the last day that I had spent with my baby while he was still alive. I cried because I wish I had listened to my body. I cried because of how different life could have been. I cried because I was angry, because I was sad, because it's just not fair. 6 years later and it's still not fair. It will never be ok. 

I'm not one of those people that give fluff answers. You will never hear me say something like "Everything happens for a reason." Or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." (Because He does. That's another post, though.) You won't hear me say, "Just hang in there. It will get better." You won't even hear me say, "I understand how you feel." I have always tried to be very honest about my experience of dealing with grief. The raw truth of emotions and words that sometimes we don't like to admit we felt or said.  I often hear people that have gone through the same kind of grief say something like, "I have to be grateful because if that hadn't have happened, I wouldn't know the kids I have now, or I wouldn't be where I am now if that hadn't have happened," and I'm happy for them that they find peace in those thoughts. But I can't even say that, because it took us 3 years to have another baby.  (It's a good story, you should read it sometime.) But I think to myself,  I could have totally had both of my babies and I believe God could have used some other experience to get me to where I am now. 

I don't know. Not here. Not now. I don't know. One day, though, I will see it all and understand it all clearly. 

BUT for now, on this side of Heaven...I AM grateful. I may not be grateful for what happened.  But I am so grateful to Christ for the hope that He has given me. I AM a different person than I was before. Whether I would have been changed with or without the loss of my son, I don't know. But I am thankful to have been changed. I am thankful that God didn't decide to leave me where I was in my sorrow, but that He taught me how to name it and to find the beauty and to make that beauty grow. And to find JOY. He showed me what it was like to be totally and completely dependent upon Him. Which is turns out is the only place I want to be.

 I will never forget the year following his death. How much I learned about who God is and how much I grew as His child. And if I am completely honest, as hard as it is to say, I would not trade that time of growing closer to Him for anything in this world, even if it meant I could have my baby back. Hear me say...I wish it could have been another way. Every day. For the rest of my life. But that is the event that God chose to use to mold me into who I am today. I don't understand for one second his reasoning, but I don't have to. Because I have learned to TRUST Him. I truly trust the Lord, more than I ever would have had I not been through this tragedy. I wish it had been something else. Anything really. A tornado, losing my house, anything. But I trust Him. And I love Him. Oh how I love Him. Because oh how He loves me.

And that brings me to today. 6 years later. Thursday night when I was crying over the Facebook status that I read, Justin held me and cried with me. And then he looked at me and said, "It's so not fair, but God is making it right again." And he is so right. That was the first time that it really connected. When I made the circle in my mind of where we used to be and where we are now. We are about one month (give or take a week or two) away from finalizing the adoption of our little boy in China. Chen Qi Long. Silas. (I still haven't written a post about his name, but I will.) Have you noticed that Silas is 6 years old? 

I have hesitated to post about this part of our story, because I think that honestly I feel a little guilt over it. When we were praying about adoption, we knew that we wanted a child that was around the same age that Kristopher would have been. Simply because it fit. It seemed right for our family. Stephen would be the oldest, yet Sean would still be the baby and it fit. In no way, shape or form will another child EVER be able to replace Kristopher, nor would we try to do that. But there is a small part of my heart that cries out sometimes, "Please don't forget!" But the fact that Silas is 6 years old is not even the point of this story.

Remember when we first received his file and we said that there were some facts that stood out to us that just really grabbed us? One of those was the day he was abandoned. I will never forget what I felt as I read the date that he was found. August 15, 2010. My heart literally felt like it stopped in my chest. Before I even read his story to find out where he was found, how old he was, how much he weighed and all of the other things that I eventually read through streams of tears,  Two weeks to the day after I had just begun to learn how to say goodbye to my baby,  this sweet baby boy having to say goodbye to his mommy. Two weeks to the day after I had experienced the worst pain of my life, she was experiencing the worst pain of her life. I knew that God had taken my heart and this precious little baby's heart and his sweet mama's heart and began the process of knitting them all together. Two moms without a baby and a baby without a mom. Two souls, two worlds apart, yet with two very broken hearts. And the only answer is Jesus.

Qi Long giving me so much more than a snack.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that Silas was chosen by God to be our son. For many reasons, and God has confirmed that to me. But I can't deny that this piece of information was essential in me finding him. I don't claim to understand God's ways. And the struggles that we will face will not be easy. I would give anything to know who his mama is, who for whatever reason had to make the choice that she did, but still chose to give him life. In a world where she could have easily done otherwise. She chose him. But before she chose him, God had chosen him. And He also chose me.

So to try and wrap up my messy thoughts, back to this morning. Normally our family takes the day off on August 1 and does something special together. This year we are attending the first day of a huge conference. My kids are in VBS this week and we are separated by a few walls. And Justin and I are in meetings. And to be honest, I was a little sad that it would be this way this year. I knew it was coming. But I found out that I was right where God wanted me to be. In His presence. 

We experienced corporate worship for the first time in over 2 years this morning. We have had small group worship, either with a downloaded Youtube video, or Justin and I trying to fumble our way through a song on the guitar. (which please don't get me wrong, there is sweet worship to be found in small groups) But this was worship, with hundreds of other people. All lifting up their voices to the author and perfector of our faiths. Christ alone, Cornerstone. The weak made strong in the Savior's love. Through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all. All I could do was lift up my hands and cry tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of relief, tears of feeling His love falling fresh on my weary heart. Tears of gratefulness. And then, on top of all of it, I was able to sit and listen to a sermon by the author that God used to completely change my life during that season of grief. And for the first time in 6 years, I saw the circle. And it's almost completed. I know it's not going to end. It will be a spiral and I will get to watch God do wonder after amazing wonder in my life from now until I go Home to be with Him. But today was priceless. And it was the exact gift that my good good Father knew I needed.

When I got back to my room before I had lunch, I checked Facebook really quick. And within the first 10 posts I read, two different friends of mine had posted about how they were grieving their babies who were gone too soon. Two different women who experienced the same kind of grief, at different times and with different circumstances, but the same broken hearts. Those two posts reminded me that I'm not alone. And that with each story of sorrow, there is a story of joy on the other side that God wants to give. If you are reading this and you have experienced loss, in any form, I am praying for you right now. I pray that you will find your circle. And that it will keep going until you see Jesus face to face.

I love you all. Thank you for sharing this day with me. Thank you for listening to my heart. Thank you for your prayers and for always loving me. Even through the rough times. Thank you for your messages and comments. They mean the world to me. Just the fact that you remember. I don't expect you to. And yet, you do. You know who you are. Thank you.

Happy Birthday Kristopher. I'm so glad Mommy and Daddy were able to worship with you this morning. Give Jesus a big hug for me. I can't wait to meet you one day, sweet boy!

Does God Really Love Me?

5 years ago today, We began a journey with the Father that I was not prepared for. We were 2 weeks away from meeting our second son, a little boy that already had so much personality in the womb, but our excitement turned to sorrow as we had to make the phone calls that his heart had stopped beating and he was no longer with us. As I sat in the hospital bed, I remember looking at the two choices that were in front of me: to trust Jesus and allow Him to guide me through this or to turn around and run from Him as fast as I could, because after all, He couldn't possibly really love me if he was allowing this to happen to me. We had prayed so hard for this baby and when we discovered something wasn't right, we prayed harder than we had ever prayed before. We knew that He had the power to make everything right again. But He didn't. As much as my head told me that I should just give up this faith thing, my heart knew different. When I decided to put my faith in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, my soul was sealed by the Holy Spirit. (Ephesians 1:13-14) And I know that nothing is able to separate me from that Love that saved me for all eternity from my own evil heart. (Romans 8:36-39) So no matter how much I hurt and how much it's not fair, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God's love for me is real. He weeps when I weep and He laughs when I laugh. My feelings are no farther from His own heart than the skin on my bones. He breathed his final breath on the cross for me. He knows pain. He understands suffering. He knows better than anyone, especially me, the agony of sacrifice.

5 years ago, I wasn't sure that I could take one more step in this life. The pain was too overwhelming. But He was there right beside me as I tried to sleep through the sounds of newborns crying down the hallway that night in the hospital. He was beside me as I walked out of the hospital with flowers in my arms, but no baby. He was there with me through every moment when I was laying in the shower floor weeping or when I didn't want to get out of bed. He was there as I desperately tried to guide my then 3 year old through the stages of grief, even though I had no idea what the answers were myself. And that day was just the beginning of the story God was using to show me more about who He is and just how much He cares, not just about me, but about the world.

My life will never be the same. Yes, I still grieve. I'm sitting here watching my two boys fighting and I grieve the fact that there should be one more in the pile on the floor. I often think about how different my life could be, should be. But then I am reminded of who I was then and who I am now, what God has done in my life since then, and the beautiful relationship that I now have with my Savior that has bloomed out of sorrow, and I am thankful. So today, just like every August 1 for the last 5 years, we celebrate the gift of our Kristopher Noble and we choose to be grateful, because after all, He does love me more than I could ever ask or imagine. And we have SO much to be grateful for. If we never saw the bitter winter, spring would not be nearly as beautiful. I want to encourage you today, if you are hurting and doubting and you are debating giving up on your faith, please don't. If you are at a crossroads of whether to believe in God in the first place, say yes! If you have never really thought about it before, please think about it! Press in to Him harder than you ever have and I promise you that He is faithful to show you a far deeper and more meaningful life if you allow Him to use this circumstance in your life for His glory. I promise you have so much more to gain, and even more to lose if you choose the other way.

We live in a place where 99% of the people that we meet have no understanding of this Love. Most of them have never even heard His name before. They have the same hurts we do. They grieve and they have sorrow. They have tragedies and disasters too. They struggle to provide for their families, their marriages are broken, they don't know how to raise perfect children, and the only hope that they have is the hope that if they follow the rules and make sure to please whatever gods or ancestors they worship, then maybe something good will happen in their afterlife, if there even is an afterlife. Please think of these people and ask Father to reveal Himself to them and show them what true hope is. And as you bear the burden of your own struggles, remember that you live in a place where you have a choice. You have heard this story about the King of kings who left His throne to come to Earth to live a life just like us, and in His love for us, was despised and rejected and chose to die to make things right in our lives. All of this to give us the hope of a better future, a life with Him for all eternity. This world is not as good as it gets. You know that there are millions of people who have testimony of what Christ as done in their lives. And if you didn't know all of that, now you do. You know there is an option.  What will you choose?

Promises

Three years ago, God reminded me of a promise. He quietly whispered to me,  "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." It wouldn't be enough for me to say that He fulfilled that promise. He has proved to me during so many moments that His words really are true. His GRACE is more than sufficient. And the most awe inspiring part is getting to watch Him receive glory through my weakness. God can use my feeble words to display His power and glory. 

A few weeks after my baby passed from this life into a life so much better than I could ever attempt to give, in the midst of my grief and pity, God gave me another very clear promise. Through the words in Isaiah, God told me not to fear because I would bear fruit again. He was going to give me another baby and it was going to be healthy and it was going to be a great leader. The only problem with this promise was that the Lord kept saying, not yet. Not that I was any where near ready for that step at that time, but as time went on, month after month, I began to long for that promise. 

One year and one month later, almost to the day, He opened the door. Through many different places in Scripture, He told me that it was time to begin seeking this child of promise. At this point, we had already began our journey of moving overseas and we knew that having a baby and moving to another country didn't really fit well together in our minds. However, God graciously confirmed His word to me and took it one step further by telling us that we would have the gift He had promised before we left. So we let that soak in and decided to trust that He knew what was best for us and to allow Him the opportunity to fulfill that promise. 

Fast forward a year and a half. Month by month we reminded ourselves that we had said we trusted the Lord with the outcome of this promise and we took refuge in stories of trial and patience and joy found in Scripture. With each month that passed, I silently grimaced every time someone made that happy post that they were expecting their 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th baby and then immediately felt guilty because I really was SO incredibly happy for them. Now, we had finally reached a point in our walk in which having a baby would seriously interfere with our timeline. And I regret to say that a large part of me stuffed that promise deep into the pockets of my heart and I told myself that I must have just heard incorrectly. It definitely wouldn't be the first time. And so we decided that it was time to put this hope on hold and move forward through the doors that God was swinging wide open and come back to the closed door later. 

Three years feels like a long time to wait for something. But as soon as I am tempted to think that I am reminded of the stories of Sarah and Abraham who waited 25 years for their promised child and David who waited 15 years before he was able to hold the position promised to him. My goodness, the Israelites (bless their hearts) wandered in a desert for 40 years before they finally made it to their promised land! There are so many examples of promises that were right on time in the eyes of the Lord but in our flesh, seem like an eternity. Most of the time, those reminders are very humbling and cause me to kneel and say "Thank you Lord for the life you have given me, and I trust you with every moment of my future." But then there are other times when 3 years is simply a long time.

That brings me to today.  Three years after we said hello and  goodbye to our long awaited and highly anticipated second son. Almost three years since the day I heard the promise from God that is well worth waiting for. We celebrated today. Every year we take this day off from everything in life that rushes us and takes us to the next moment and choose to live that day to the fullest and as a family enjoy all that God has done in our lives. This year was no different. I was concerned that it was definitely going to look different this year, because of our location. But God showed up big time and gave us an incredible place to spend our day of rejoicing. He even gave me sun rays on the ride home, which has always been a special Jesus kiss on my hard days. He always sends me sun rays.

Happy 3rd Birthday Kristopher! I can honestly say I have a PERFECT 3 year old! He is just "angelic!" :) I am so grateful that God gives us so many reasons to celebrate. 

In fact, He even gave us an extra reason this time, three years later...

We are going to have another baby! 

Coming in late February 2014, the proof that God does fulfill every single promise that He ever makes, down to last detail. You can do the math. We left in June. I think sometimes, God knows that I just need to laugh!! 

I have to say that the shock is *almost* gone and we are getting very excited. At the same time, there are many points of concern. We would appreciate your prayers, not only as we live and minister overseas, but also as I live PREGNANT overseas!!