In His Presence

This morning I sat in awe and tears. For the first time in the last 6 years, I finally see the story of my life flowing toward a complete circle. There is a part of our adoption story that I haven't shared in detail here yet. It's so exciting to me to share this part of our story, however, I am struggling to put it into words. But today is the day.

I need to back up a few days, actually. You know how there is this app called Timehop? Well for those of you that may not know, it links to your Facebook and it shows you a daily picture of what you posted on your Facebook on that day for every year before. It's really been fun to see different posts I've made during different seasons of life, or pictures of my kids as they were younger. But then there are also days when I am reminded of hard stuff.

For those of you that don't know us or are newer friends, we lost our second son, Kristopher, through stillbirth 6 years ago on August 1 at 37 1/2 weeks. You can read more about our journey through all of that starting HERE. So, for the past few weeks, I've been seeing status updates that I had written 6 years ago as I was getting ready to give birth to him.  I've been reading as I posted about different moments of my pregnancy that were funny or special and even ordinary. I have smiled as I remembered that one time when he did somersaults in my belly after I ate Red Lobster, or all the nights that he kicked like crazy while I was trying to go to sleep. I'm so thankful I treasured those moments. And I have laughed at the funny comments that little 3 year old Stephen said about my big belly.

 Then on Thursday, I read this post:

And I cried. I cried because I realized that this was most likely the last day that I had spent with my baby while he was still alive. I cried because I wish I had listened to my body. I cried because of how different life could have been. I cried because I was angry, because I was sad, because it's just not fair. 6 years later and it's still not fair. It will never be ok. 

I'm not one of those people that give fluff answers. You will never hear me say something like "Everything happens for a reason." Or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." (Because He does. That's another post, though.) You won't hear me say, "Just hang in there. It will get better." You won't even hear me say, "I understand how you feel." I have always tried to be very honest about my experience of dealing with grief. The raw truth of emotions and words that sometimes we don't like to admit we felt or said.  I often hear people that have gone through the same kind of grief say something like, "I have to be grateful because if that hadn't have happened, I wouldn't know the kids I have now, or I wouldn't be where I am now if that hadn't have happened," and I'm happy for them that they find peace in those thoughts. But I can't even say that, because it took us 3 years to have another baby.  (It's a good story, you should read it sometime.) But I think to myself,  I could have totally had both of my babies and I believe God could have used some other experience to get me to where I am now. 

I don't know. Not here. Not now. I don't know. One day, though, I will see it all and understand it all clearly. 

BUT for now, on this side of Heaven...I AM grateful. I may not be grateful for what happened.  But I am so grateful to Christ for the hope that He has given me. I AM a different person than I was before. Whether I would have been changed with or without the loss of my son, I don't know. But I am thankful to have been changed. I am thankful that God didn't decide to leave me where I was in my sorrow, but that He taught me how to name it and to find the beauty and to make that beauty grow. And to find JOY. He showed me what it was like to be totally and completely dependent upon Him. Which is turns out is the only place I want to be.

 I will never forget the year following his death. How much I learned about who God is and how much I grew as His child. And if I am completely honest, as hard as it is to say, I would not trade that time of growing closer to Him for anything in this world, even if it meant I could have my baby back. Hear me say...I wish it could have been another way. Every day. For the rest of my life. But that is the event that God chose to use to mold me into who I am today. I don't understand for one second his reasoning, but I don't have to. Because I have learned to TRUST Him. I truly trust the Lord, more than I ever would have had I not been through this tragedy. I wish it had been something else. Anything really. A tornado, losing my house, anything. But I trust Him. And I love Him. Oh how I love Him. Because oh how He loves me.

And that brings me to today. 6 years later. Thursday night when I was crying over the Facebook status that I read, Justin held me and cried with me. And then he looked at me and said, "It's so not fair, but God is making it right again." And he is so right. That was the first time that it really connected. When I made the circle in my mind of where we used to be and where we are now. We are about one month (give or take a week or two) away from finalizing the adoption of our little boy in China. Chen Qi Long. Silas. (I still haven't written a post about his name, but I will.) Have you noticed that Silas is 6 years old? 

I have hesitated to post about this part of our story, because I think that honestly I feel a little guilt over it. When we were praying about adoption, we knew that we wanted a child that was around the same age that Kristopher would have been. Simply because it fit. It seemed right for our family. Stephen would be the oldest, yet Sean would still be the baby and it fit. In no way, shape or form will another child EVER be able to replace Kristopher, nor would we try to do that. But there is a small part of my heart that cries out sometimes, "Please don't forget!" But the fact that Silas is 6 years old is not even the point of this story.

Remember when we first received his file and we said that there were some facts that stood out to us that just really grabbed us? One of those was the day he was abandoned. I will never forget what I felt as I read the date that he was found. August 15, 2010. My heart literally felt like it stopped in my chest. Before I even read his story to find out where he was found, how old he was, how much he weighed and all of the other things that I eventually read through streams of tears,  Two weeks to the day after I had just begun to learn how to say goodbye to my baby,  this sweet baby boy having to say goodbye to his mommy. Two weeks to the day after I had experienced the worst pain of my life, she was experiencing the worst pain of her life. I knew that God had taken my heart and this precious little baby's heart and his sweet mama's heart and began the process of knitting them all together. Two moms without a baby and a baby without a mom. Two souls, two worlds apart, yet with two very broken hearts. And the only answer is Jesus.

Qi Long giving me so much more than a snack.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that Silas was chosen by God to be our son. For many reasons, and God has confirmed that to me. But I can't deny that this piece of information was essential in me finding him. I don't claim to understand God's ways. And the struggles that we will face will not be easy. I would give anything to know who his mama is, who for whatever reason had to make the choice that she did, but still chose to give him life. In a world where she could have easily done otherwise. She chose him. But before she chose him, God had chosen him. And He also chose me.

So to try and wrap up my messy thoughts, back to this morning. Normally our family takes the day off on August 1 and does something special together. This year we are attending the first day of a huge conference. My kids are in VBS this week and we are separated by a few walls. And Justin and I are in meetings. And to be honest, I was a little sad that it would be this way this year. I knew it was coming. But I found out that I was right where God wanted me to be. In His presence. 

We experienced corporate worship for the first time in over 2 years this morning. We have had small group worship, either with a downloaded Youtube video, or Justin and I trying to fumble our way through a song on the guitar. (which please don't get me wrong, there is sweet worship to be found in small groups) But this was worship, with hundreds of other people. All lifting up their voices to the author and perfector of our faiths. Christ alone, Cornerstone. The weak made strong in the Savior's love. Through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all. All I could do was lift up my hands and cry tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of relief, tears of feeling His love falling fresh on my weary heart. Tears of gratefulness. And then, on top of all of it, I was able to sit and listen to a sermon by the author that God used to completely change my life during that season of grief. And for the first time in 6 years, I saw the circle. And it's almost completed. I know it's not going to end. It will be a spiral and I will get to watch God do wonder after amazing wonder in my life from now until I go Home to be with Him. But today was priceless. And it was the exact gift that my good good Father knew I needed.

When I got back to my room before I had lunch, I checked Facebook really quick. And within the first 10 posts I read, two different friends of mine had posted about how they were grieving their babies who were gone too soon. Two different women who experienced the same kind of grief, at different times and with different circumstances, but the same broken hearts. Those two posts reminded me that I'm not alone. And that with each story of sorrow, there is a story of joy on the other side that God wants to give. If you are reading this and you have experienced loss, in any form, I am praying for you right now. I pray that you will find your circle. And that it will keep going until you see Jesus face to face.

I love you all. Thank you for sharing this day with me. Thank you for listening to my heart. Thank you for your prayers and for always loving me. Even through the rough times. Thank you for your messages and comments. They mean the world to me. Just the fact that you remember. I don't expect you to. And yet, you do. You know who you are. Thank you.

Happy Birthday Kristopher. I'm so glad Mommy and Daddy were able to worship with you this morning. Give Jesus a big hug for me. I can't wait to meet you one day, sweet boy!

Does God Really Love Me?

5 years ago today, We began a journey with the Father that I was not prepared for. We were 2 weeks away from meeting our second son, a little boy that already had so much personality in the womb, but our excitement turned to sorrow as we had to make the phone calls that his heart had stopped beating and he was no longer with us. As I sat in the hospital bed, I remember looking at the two choices that were in front of me: to trust Jesus and allow Him to guide me through this or to turn around and run from Him as fast as I could, because after all, He couldn't possibly really love me if he was allowing this to happen to me. We had prayed so hard for this baby and when we discovered something wasn't right, we prayed harder than we had ever prayed before. We knew that He had the power to make everything right again. But He didn't. As much as my head told me that I should just give up this faith thing, my heart knew different. When I decided to put my faith in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, my soul was sealed by the Holy Spirit. (Ephesians 1:13-14) And I know that nothing is able to separate me from that Love that saved me for all eternity from my own evil heart. (Romans 8:36-39) So no matter how much I hurt and how much it's not fair, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God's love for me is real. He weeps when I weep and He laughs when I laugh. My feelings are no farther from His own heart than the skin on my bones. He breathed his final breath on the cross for me. He knows pain. He understands suffering. He knows better than anyone, especially me, the agony of sacrifice.

5 years ago, I wasn't sure that I could take one more step in this life. The pain was too overwhelming. But He was there right beside me as I tried to sleep through the sounds of newborns crying down the hallway that night in the hospital. He was beside me as I walked out of the hospital with flowers in my arms, but no baby. He was there with me through every moment when I was laying in the shower floor weeping or when I didn't want to get out of bed. He was there as I desperately tried to guide my then 3 year old through the stages of grief, even though I had no idea what the answers were myself. And that day was just the beginning of the story God was using to show me more about who He is and just how much He cares, not just about me, but about the world.

My life will never be the same. Yes, I still grieve. I'm sitting here watching my two boys fighting and I grieve the fact that there should be one more in the pile on the floor. I often think about how different my life could be, should be. But then I am reminded of who I was then and who I am now, what God has done in my life since then, and the beautiful relationship that I now have with my Savior that has bloomed out of sorrow, and I am thankful. So today, just like every August 1 for the last 5 years, we celebrate the gift of our Kristopher Noble and we choose to be grateful, because after all, He does love me more than I could ever ask or imagine. And we have SO much to be grateful for. If we never saw the bitter winter, spring would not be nearly as beautiful. I want to encourage you today, if you are hurting and doubting and you are debating giving up on your faith, please don't. If you are at a crossroads of whether to believe in God in the first place, say yes! If you have never really thought about it before, please think about it! Press in to Him harder than you ever have and I promise you that He is faithful to show you a far deeper and more meaningful life if you allow Him to use this circumstance in your life for His glory. I promise you have so much more to gain, and even more to lose if you choose the other way.

We live in a place where 99% of the people that we meet have no understanding of this Love. Most of them have never even heard His name before. They have the same hurts we do. They grieve and they have sorrow. They have tragedies and disasters too. They struggle to provide for their families, their marriages are broken, they don't know how to raise perfect children, and the only hope that they have is the hope that if they follow the rules and make sure to please whatever gods or ancestors they worship, then maybe something good will happen in their afterlife, if there even is an afterlife. Please think of these people and ask Father to reveal Himself to them and show them what true hope is. And as you bear the burden of your own struggles, remember that you live in a place where you have a choice. You have heard this story about the King of kings who left His throne to come to Earth to live a life just like us, and in His love for us, was despised and rejected and chose to die to make things right in our lives. All of this to give us the hope of a better future, a life with Him for all eternity. This world is not as good as it gets. You know that there are millions of people who have testimony of what Christ as done in their lives. And if you didn't know all of that, now you do. You know there is an option.  What will you choose?

Promises

Three years ago, God reminded me of a promise. He quietly whispered to me,  "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." It wouldn't be enough for me to say that He fulfilled that promise. He has proved to me during so many moments that His words really are true. His GRACE is more than sufficient. And the most awe inspiring part is getting to watch Him receive glory through my weakness. God can use my feeble words to display His power and glory. 

A few weeks after my baby passed from this life into a life so much better than I could ever attempt to give, in the midst of my grief and pity, God gave me another very clear promise. Through the words in Isaiah, God told me not to fear because I would bear fruit again. He was going to give me another baby and it was going to be healthy and it was going to be a great leader. The only problem with this promise was that the Lord kept saying, not yet. Not that I was any where near ready for that step at that time, but as time went on, month after month, I began to long for that promise. 

One year and one month later, almost to the day, He opened the door. Through many different places in Scripture, He told me that it was time to begin seeking this child of promise. At this point, we had already began our journey of moving overseas and we knew that having a baby and moving to another country didn't really fit well together in our minds. However, God graciously confirmed His word to me and took it one step further by telling us that we would have the gift He had promised before we left. So we let that soak in and decided to trust that He knew what was best for us and to allow Him the opportunity to fulfill that promise. 

Fast forward a year and a half. Month by month we reminded ourselves that we had said we trusted the Lord with the outcome of this promise and we took refuge in stories of trial and patience and joy found in Scripture. With each month that passed, I silently grimaced every time someone made that happy post that they were expecting their 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th baby and then immediately felt guilty because I really was SO incredibly happy for them. Now, we had finally reached a point in our walk in which having a baby would seriously interfere with our timeline. And I regret to say that a large part of me stuffed that promise deep into the pockets of my heart and I told myself that I must have just heard incorrectly. It definitely wouldn't be the first time. And so we decided that it was time to put this hope on hold and move forward through the doors that God was swinging wide open and come back to the closed door later. 

Three years feels like a long time to wait for something. But as soon as I am tempted to think that I am reminded of the stories of Sarah and Abraham who waited 25 years for their promised child and David who waited 15 years before he was able to hold the position promised to him. My goodness, the Israelites (bless their hearts) wandered in a desert for 40 years before they finally made it to their promised land! There are so many examples of promises that were right on time in the eyes of the Lord but in our flesh, seem like an eternity. Most of the time, those reminders are very humbling and cause me to kneel and say "Thank you Lord for the life you have given me, and I trust you with every moment of my future." But then there are other times when 3 years is simply a long time.

That brings me to today.  Three years after we said hello and  goodbye to our long awaited and highly anticipated second son. Almost three years since the day I heard the promise from God that is well worth waiting for. We celebrated today. Every year we take this day off from everything in life that rushes us and takes us to the next moment and choose to live that day to the fullest and as a family enjoy all that God has done in our lives. This year was no different. I was concerned that it was definitely going to look different this year, because of our location. But God showed up big time and gave us an incredible place to spend our day of rejoicing. He even gave me sun rays on the ride home, which has always been a special Jesus kiss on my hard days. He always sends me sun rays.

Happy 3rd Birthday Kristopher! I can honestly say I have a PERFECT 3 year old! He is just "angelic!" :) I am so grateful that God gives us so many reasons to celebrate. 

In fact, He even gave us an extra reason this time, three years later...

We are going to have another baby! 

Coming in late February 2014, the proof that God does fulfill every single promise that He ever makes, down to last detail. You can do the math. We left in June. I think sometimes, God knows that I just need to laugh!! 

I have to say that the shock is *almost* gone and we are getting very excited. At the same time, there are many points of concern. We would appreciate your prayers, not only as we live and minister overseas, but also as I live PREGNANT overseas!! 

Unbound

I have always loved the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. About a year or so ago, my pastor's wife, women's ministry leader, and mentor, Leighann McCoy put a completely different spin on this story for me and I want to share it with you. I was reminded of this today as I read Daniel 3. This story is a story of obedience and God's provision; of how God rescues us. But deep in the scripture there is a little gem tucked away. In verse 25, King Neb is describing the men he sees in the furnace. This is where we usually pull out the fact that God is with them and that they are unharmed by the fire that was heated 7 times hotter than usual; so hot that the people who threw them into the fire were killed. But look at the word unbound. "He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.” They went into the fire tied by "some of the strongest soldiers in the army" (vs. 20). 

Sometimes we have to go through a fire to be released from the things that have us bound!

Have you ever felt the freedom that comes when you get on the other side of something difficult? How about when you're hiking and going up that hill is exhausting, but then you get to the top and the view takes your breath away. OR maybe you are exercising, and like me you want to quit about a quarter of the way through. But you keep going and when you finish you are so full of energy and joy and confidence, and you don't feel guilty about having that ice cream earlier. I know that these are trivial examples, but the principles are the same in our trials and struggles of life: our fires. Losing my son was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. I prayed so many nights that I could just go on to Heaven. I didn't want to feel that way anymore. But I learned to trust in the Lord, each moment and I learned that "even if God does not rescue me" (Dan. 3:18) that God was still God and I had a reason to worship Him. I learned the incredible experience of allowing God to use a fire in my life, and every fire after that, to burn off the ties, ropes, burdens, sorrows, guilt, shame, hopelessness, frustrations, fears and anything else that had me bound. 

I was asked just the other day, 'how can things go from thunderstorm after thunderstorm, to things are great and wonderful and joyful?' The answer is simply, Jesus. By His grace and compassion, and the people that took me by the hand and led me to His feet. Jesus burned off the binding ties around my heart and set me free so that I could see the full and abundant life that He longs to give me, even in the midst of pain and struggle. What has you bound today? What has you so trapped in your struggles that you can't find the One who is walking right beside you through your fire? Pray and ask God to soften your heart and to reveal these things to you. Humble yourself and allow Him to set you free! I am praying for you today!

The Gift of You

I vividly remember this night 2 years ago, on August 1st. I can still remember that still small voice that spoke to me as I sat in a hospital bed, my mind completely reeling from the traumatic events the night before. God was asking me to choose. Was I going to be angry, bitter and build a wall around my heart so high that nothing or no one could ever hurt me again, especially God? Or was I going to LIVE the words of the songs that I so passionately sang during worship time at church? The words of all of my favorite worship songs began to play in my mind. I knew, in that lonely hospital room, that the fork between the wide and the narrow path lay before me. I had to make a choice.

I wrote this that night:

after my csection, the anesthesiologist offered to give me some narcotics to help me relax, but i didn't want them. i want to feel every last drop of emotion that is going to come. i could get away from it if i wanted to, but i think that will just make it a longer process. and while it hurts, it's a beautiful form of pain. i dont know if i can describe it. it's a righteous pain, pain in the purest form. pain that is ordained by God himself. it evokes feelings and emotions that He gives us, and it's such a huge mess that He is perfectly capable of cleaning up with a holy disinfectant wipe. i don't want to miss a beat. i wonder if that is weird.

I chose God. I chose Jesus. I chose the path to healing. I chose the blood, redemption, grace and LOVE. I chose forgiveness. I chose beauty. I chose to submit even when I didn't understand. I chose to embrace every bit of life I had been given. I chose to fight for my heart, which is the wellspring of my life and I chose to take the next step. I chose to keep walking, even though I wasn't sure that there was any possible way out of the despair I felt. I chose to BELIEVE. I chose to trust. And I chose to worship.

 It took me a long time to really feel my choice. My head understood my choice a lot sooner than my heart did. I knew all the right answers and the scriptures to back them up. But when I was alone, I questioned and doubted and faltered. I stood on wobbly knees, and I knelt on tear stained floors. The narrow path was not a pretty one. Not in the beginning at least. There weren't any pretty flowers along the road nor were there any nice spots for a picnic. It was dark and scary and lonely. But, when I really focused on where I was going, and quit looking for the flowers and the picnic benches, I could find a light (not literal, of course). A tiny light at first. Just a speck, a hint of light that told me to keep walking. A glimmer of hope. That there was something I needed to discover. Just keep your eyes on the speck of light and keep pressing on through the dark.

And slowly, ever so subtly, I would catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of a bright and colorful flower. I would smile and almost reach down to pick it up, but would notice the humongous weeds that surrounded its bloom and shrink away in fear. Nothing good can come out of this. Who was I kidding? And then someone dear would remind me of that tiny light again and would remind me to just stay focused. Many times this would happen. Look, there is a flower, but yeah you don't want to touch it. It's probably poisonous anyway. But as I walked forward, the light grew bigger, and the flowers grew more often. I eventually began to pick them up. I tucked them in my heart and kept them close for safe keeping. Until I could see flowers everywhere. When I quit searching for them in all the wrong places, and set my sight on all things above. The were there, all around me. All different colors. And then one day, the light burst forth...

...and I found a picnic bench.
I found a place to rest. I found a purpose. God showed me a mission.
On November 8, 2010, I wrote this:

i feel like God is calling me to do something big. i'm not exactly sure what it is yet. but i know it's something.

On November 14, 2010, the Lord spoke into my sorrow, called me by name, and invited me in to see what He had been planning for me all along. He took me by the hand, and pulled me to my feet, when I wasn't sure I could remember how to stand. In my Spirit, I felt the Lord telling me, "Come, there are people that I need you to meet. They are on the other side of the world. I love them, and they are mine, but they don't know who I am. I need you to tell them. I WANT you to tell them. I want to give you this opportunity to join me in a miraculous thing that you wouldn't even believe if I told you. Not many people get to experience this kind of story. Many people simply aren't listening. But you...you are following the light. You chose Me. You said yes to what I had to offer you. My child, let me show you ALL that I want to give you. Follow me."

So, I said yes. I chose to follow Jesus. The coolest thing though, was that I looked to my left and my dear sweet husband was standing too, going through the same journey as me. He had been suffering right beside me for 3 months, in his own ways, but God knew us. And He knew what He has wanted for us all along, and He brought us both to the exact same spot. Standing side by side in a sanctuary filled with people, committing to a world of unknown. I knew it could mean big things. I knew it would most likely be hard. The only thing I didn't know, was what it meant. Four months went by, and we prayed, "God what does this mean? What does this look like? What do you want us to do?" And then we went to East Asia.

Our world had already been rocked, but now it was being turned upside down. We both knew. This was it. This IS it. Those words that He had been whispering for so long now, "Follow Me." We understood. And we could see the wonderous light. We began to see the beginning of a beautiful tapestry that was taking shape in our hearts. Our mourning was turned to dancing. Perfect love had cast out all fear. Fear was replaced with the peace that passes understanding. And where there was sorrow, now JOY.

In June of 2013, our family will be moving to East Asia to serve for a term of 3 years among the ZZ people. We will begin with 8 weeks of training in the states and by the end of June, we will be loaded on a plane, one of those big ones, all 3 of us with 6 large suitcases.  We will be following the Lord, because He is already there. He has been planning every single step of mine since the day I was conceived, no before that, and so far He has done a pretty good job. I can look back on the last 2 years of my life and see that no, it has not been pretty nor easy, but it has brought glory to my Savior, and continues to do so. And for that, I have no complaints. I only have one request. "Lord, lead me."

So tonight, as I recall that lonely night in the hospital 2 years ago, I thank God for helping me make the right choice. And to my sweet baby boy, Kristopher: Happy 2nd Birthday, dear heart. My time with you was oh so short, but, my stars, how precious it was. And I hope that Jesus has you on his lap at this very moment and is telling you the story of your mama, and daddy and your big brother who loves you to the moon and back. and I know He is telling you how much He loves us both. If you had never come and gone, I may have never known what it is to make that choice. To choose faith, even when I couldn't see. I don't know that I would have ever seen that teensy flickering light. You have made such an impact in this world that you never got to see, smell, taste, or touch. You did hear it, of this I am sure. Sometimes I can still feel you kicking me in response to sound. I am so thankful to be your mommy. I cherish your life and on this day, every year, we celebrate the gift of you. I love you.

Lord, I thank you for such an amazing gift. Not just the gift of a child, but the gift of being able to see You in every circumstance. I thank you for your love. Because of that love, I am not consumed. Thank you for your compassion; You have NEVER failed me. Oh and your mercies, praise God, they are new. every. morning. Lord, You ARE my portion. Your plans are worth waiting for. For you are so good to me, whose hope is less than steady. Though my eyes grow weak, I will never give up seeking Your face. I wait quietly, for quiet is good. I wait for your salvation. It will come. Abundantly. This I know, for I have seen it with my own eyes.(based on Lamentations 3:22-26)

"but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." Jn 9:3

Click HERE to see the rest of the story!

Whatever...

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."  Philippians 4:8


I'm not sure where I got my negative perspective that rears its ugly head sometimes, but it has a way of distorting the way that I view scripture. Whenever I have read this verse in the past, my mind thinks, "okay, i can't think about bad things." One of my favorite pastors actually says it best when he talks about how, growing up in a small Baptist church, they came to church on Sundays to celebrate everything they didn't do. He jokingly points out a small flaw in many churches, and also in my case, my way of thinking. You see, as a person who grew up surrounded by the Christian faith, there were many things that I was taught NOT to do. Don't drink, don't do drugs, don't talk to boys, don't swear, don't work on Sundays, don't wear underwear with holes in it because you might get in a wreck and have to go to the hospital and what would they think seeing your worn out underwear? You get the picture. So for some reason, when I read scripture, my mind defaults to look for what does this passage tell me about what I can't do if I want to be a good Christian.


"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." 


Ok, so if something does not meet that criteria, then I can't think about it. Simple enough.


But what if there is another side to the scriptures? What if Jesus came not to limit our lives to a big list of what NOT to do, but to give a life FULL of opportunities to DO stuff? Great stuff! John 10:10 tells us Jesus came to give us a "rich and satisfying" life (NLT)! That sounds much more exciting to me!


So when I look at scripture through the eyes of a God who wants me to have a full, abundant, rich and satisfying life, I see all the things that I CAN do! 


"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."


Look at all of those things that I CAN think about! And really, truth be known, it's not that I can think about those things, God actually instructs me to think about those things. And it is an excellent model to use when those creepy crawly little thoughts come weaseling their way into your mind. Paul encourages us to "take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). And this is a perfect way to do that.


I'm going to use my husband for an example here for a minute. Because he loves me and he will forgive me. :)


When I walk through the house and I see dirty socks laying on the floor, it is in my nature to begin grumbling about how he never picks up his dirty socks. Why can't he just take an extra few steps and put them in the hamper. Maybe this house would be cleaner if everybody picked up after themselves, blah blah blah. You know exactly what I'm talking about. But these are all negative thoughts that stem from a sock. What if we use Philippians 4:8 as a thermometer for my oh so holy thoughts.

Whatever is true...

What is the truth in this situation? My husband dropped his sock on the floor. At the moment that the sock came off of his foot and out of his hand, was he thinking about ways that he could make my blood boil? Most likely, no. He was not. Most likely, he had had a long day, and he was tired and he just wanted to get in the shower and get all the dirt from the day off of him so he could sit down with his family for supper. 

Whatever is noble...

This one can be kind of tricky. I can't think of many things in my life that are necessarily noble. What do you think of when you hear the word noble, though? Probably something along the lines of royalty, right? Honor, majesty, kingly, loyal. Do those words ring any bells for you. Our Savior is King of kings and Lord of lords. He is the most noble character there ever was. When we think about whatever is noble, we can think about Jesus. And the demons shudder at that name. I guarantee you when you speak that name over dirty socks, your heart will begin to soften. If you are having trouble finding the whatever is true in the situation, try skipping forward to noble, and then go back. It might be a little easier for you.

Whatever is right...

I can make a huge list of things that are wrong with my husband. I've already told you that my nature is negative for some reason. And throw in a little neurotic tendencies and you've got a real doozy. Sorry babe. And dirty socks can sure get me rolling on that list, but when the Word of God tells me to think about what is right, that changes a lot of things. I think about the way he takes the dog out for me, and how he sweeps and vacuums the floor way more than I do, and I think about the way he always, always makes sure the shower curtain is pulled. I think about how he calls me just to tell me that he loves me. I think about the way that he makes our little boy's face light up when he comes home. i think about the way that he holds me at night when it's cold because we are too cheap to have the heat above 68. And when I think about these things, it leads me straight into thinking about...

Whatever is pure....

In the midst of busy lives and dirty clothes and bills that don't subtract as fast as they add, and all the other bumps and bruises along the way...when I stop and think about all the things that my husband does right, I begin to think about how we share a love in the purest form. A love, that is covered with the blood of Christ. A marriage, that has been transformed and redeemed by a merciful and gracious Savior. A bond that cannot be broken by any mortal man nor the evil forces that bring up dirty socks when the mind is tired and weak. I think about two lives that are imperfect and stained and worthless, but when held up to the light of Jesus, we are two vessels that shine brilliantly in the shadow of His glory. There is nothing more pure than the way that Jesus loves us. 

Whatever is lovely...

Dirty socks may not be lovely. In fact, there are lots of things about life that aren't lovely. But there are a lot of things that are lovely. Because God created them, and that makes them lovely. Even a dirty sock, when looked at with the right perspective, can be lovely. Thank you Jesus that we have socks to throw on the floor. Thank you God that you keep our feet warm and soft. And if I have to pick up a million socks in my lifetime, I am thankful, because they are lovely, because you provide for our needs. My husband is lovely. He is a lovely creature. His eyes are clear as glass and blue as the sky. He is handsome and strong and he takes care of us. He is a lovely man, with lovely socks. ;)

Whatever is admirable...

My husband has many, many admirable qualities. He is fiercely loyal, he is humble, he is honest as the day is long, he is gracious and forgiving and compassionate. He loves the Lord with his whole heart. If that isn't admirable, I don't know what is. 

If anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things.

By the time you get to this point, you might as well turn on the Chris Tomlin music and lift those hands. If I were guessing, you'll be at this point way before you make it through all the whatevers. Now that I have used God's word in the face of the enemy dirty socks, I am able to look at my husband with love, not disdain. Because how many times have I done something that bugs the tar out of him? Plenty. And how many times has he shown grace for my flaws? More than I want to admit. And this reminds me that I love him, dirty socks and all, and once again, my heavenly Father has shown me how to look at life with the mind of Christ. 

""Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--THINK about such things." 

It's not about what I can't think about, It's about what I CAN think about! I know it's a simple thought, but for me, it was a revelation. I am praying that it touches someone else out there also. 

if the room is dark....

"Christians are supposed to influence the world. 

No matter how dark it is, 

the darkness doesn't have the power to put out the light of even one candle. 

(light a candle in a dark room and see 

if you can get the darkness to overcome the soft glow of that candle.)

the darkness doesn't put out the light, the light fails. 

when you walk into a room, turn on the light and the bulb blows, 

you don't turn around and say, 'the darkness has killed another one!' 

you say, 'the light bulb blew!'

if the room is dark, it's not a victory of the darkness, it's a failure of the light. 

if your office, home, neighborhood is dark, it's a failure of the light that you are supposed to be. 

you may be in the office you are in because there are lost sheep that the shepherd wants to find. 

'But I'm not happy. Things aren't going the way I want them to.' 

Who cares?! 

It's not about you! 

It's about JESUS 

and the people that He died to save. 

Maybe,

we're not happy 

because we're not fulfilling the purpose that God has put us there for. 

Maybe 

we're not happy 

because we are seeking happiness 

rather than God."

-excerpt from Kairos "A Life Well Lived, Part 11" by Mike Glenn

what i've learned in a year

one year. 365 days since the worst day of my life. it's almost unbelievable. i will never be able to understand how time goes so fast and yet so slow, all at the same time. some days feel like they will never end, but then here i am standing here looking over the last YEAR of my life, feeling so helpless because it can't have been a year yet! Kristopher's "angel" birthday was monday. i've been so nervous about this day for a month. thursday and friday were difficult. i was at work and trying my best, not too successful, to handle the waging war within me. and saturday night was my hardest. i crawled into bed and i wept for a long time and justin and i stayed up very late talking about everything that we were and have been going through. sunday, i spent the whole day pretty much numb. i didn't linger around any one person or conversation for too long. i was scared to let myself feel or think anything because i wanted to appear normal in front of everyone around me. but inside, i was really wanting to scream. the hardest part of grief, for me, is having to live a "normal" life when there is absolutely nothing inside of you that feels normal. sunday night, i told stephen that the next day was kristopher's birthday of when he went to heaven. he got a little upset and told me that he wanted him to come play with his toys. so we talked for a while. i could have avoided the subject, but i wanted him to be a part of the day with me. he is his big brother, and i felt like he deserved to celebrate too. that night, during our bedtime prayers, stephen spoke the most beautiful prayer that i think i've ever heard. sometimes he sounds so mature for his age and he understands things on a level that i have a hard time accepting. i am so thankful that God is working in his life as well, because he teaches me so many things about my own faith. i love every bit of that ball of energy.

monday morning, i woke up at 4:21. kristopher was born at 4:35. i smiled as i thanked God for waking me up to remember him at that time. after i finally woke up and got going, i had a surprisingly good day. it went much better than i had ever expected it to. and i'm glad that i had been so emotional the few days before because i feel like it freed my soul to have a pleasant day on monday. i've spent the last three days going through all of the cards that i received over the last year. i still love reading them all. along with all the gifts i received in memory of kristopher. my heart is so full of love. we went and had lunch, and stephen got a special cookie to celebrate his baby brother's birthday. then that night, justin and i went out on a date to dinner and a movie. it was so refreshing to have some time alone, to just be quiet, and be together, and reflect. i am beyond thankful for this husband of mine. he is so special in so many ways. i love him deeply. more than i could have ever imagined. i went to bed monday night feeling peaceful and hopeful and thankful. i'm thankful that i have an extra reason to celebrate in august. and every year is just one more year closer to getting to see not only kristopher again, but also, my Lord. I am so excited.


so what have i learned in a year?

i have learned that grief is a process. every little moment, or milestone is a loss. and i have to grieve every single one of those losses. they are not just lumped into one big loss. they are individual and different and each one affects me a different way. for example, stephen is starting school this year. albeit, it's pre-k, and not kindergarden because he has a november birthday, it's still a huge milestone for us. he has been at home with me since he was born, minus the last few months that he has been with my mom while i work a few days a week. i was expecting to have a baby to keep my company and help me cope with him going to school this year, and i don't. that's a milestone that has hurt me when i didn't realize it would. something that i have to grieve before i can let go of it. milestones come up and i don't see them coming until they are here, and then wham. it's all part of grief.

i have learned that there is no right or wrong, no formula, no how to on grief. it is as individual as the person themselves. i can't look at how someone else has grieved and judge my grief based on them, and vice versa. i have learned that my grief is mine. and nobody can or should tell me how i should grieve, or when i should be done.
  i have learned that i am not alone in my grief. there are many many other people in the world that are experiencing, or have experienced the same grief. though each situation is different and individual, the pain of grief is the same. and there is some solace in knowing that you are not alone, even though at times the isolation you feel is choking.


i have learned that it's ok to be honest with myself. i shouldn't try to hide any kind of emotion. i am free to express my emotion in any way that is healthy for me and my family. in fact, i need to express my emotion to the best of my ability. expression is one of the best paths to healing.


i have learned that it's ok to be honest with people. i can't expect random strangers to know what is wrong with me at any given moment. it's ok to tell them about my situation. and if i don't, i can't get upset when they say something that might otherwise hurt me. if i haven't been honest with them, it is absurd to hold them accountable for the conversations they bring up. i have learned to be much more tolerable with other people that may or may not know about my situation. even if they know about it, they can't possibly know how i feel, and holding that expectation above their heads is completely unfair. there is a lot of freedom is lowering those expectations.


i have learned that people WILL move on. life does not stand still, as much as i would like it to. life goes on. people come and go, they grow, their families grow, their life changes, as does mine. even though i feel stuck in the past some days, my life is still changing. i have to go with it. it doesn't mean i have to forget. i will always remember. everyone else won't remember. it's ok. God has given this memory to me. it's personal. it's mine. i need to own it and let others live their life. because ultimately, i can't stop them. and it's unfair to want them to stop.


i have learned that grief is a journey. it's not something that ever goes away. by God's grace, your heart will heal, and you will be able to move on, but you will always be subject to those sudden small moments, fleeting as they may be, that rip open the scars and bring back all of the pain as harsh as it was in those first hours.

i have learned that i have a lot to learn. life is always full of one lesson after another. it keeps us fresh, on our toes. always looking, always seeking an answer. hopefully, always seeking the only One who can truly give us an answer.


I have learned that His strength is made perfect in our weakness. and He is worthy. oh, so worthy, of our praise, and adoration. "all of my life, in every season, You are still God, i have a reason to sing. i have a reason to worship" (desert song)

as i said earlier, i have spent the last couple of days, in the midst of getting stephen ready for school, going through many of my mementos of kristopher's life. i made a video of all of my memories. as a disclaimer, there are several pictures of kristopher in my video, so if you don't want to go there, i totally understand. but i am happy to share my memories with anyone that wants to remember with me.





thank you all for the wonderful support over the last year. i know the journey is not over for me, but i am so thankful i can look back with the perspective i have today and have hope for the future. something i never thought i would have again. God is good. so good!

Emotion Cycle of a Christian

Joy, Pain, Anger, Pity, Deliverance, Humility, Pride, Humility, Worshipful, Joy, Pain, etc.

I've been reading in the Psalms lately. The way my chronological Bible has them organized is by subject, sort of. The Psalms that are specific as to when they were written, were put in line with that story, but many of them have no specific indication of what circumstance they were written during, so the author categorized the rest. Right now, I am reading all of the Psalms of the "Troubled Soul" as they put it. I have been kind of taken aback at reading them all together. They are almost pathetic in a small way. This one in particular put a bad taste in my mouth at the time that I read it.

Vindicate me, O Lord, for I have led a blameless life; I have trusted in the Lord without wavering. Test me, O Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind; for your love is ever before me, and I walk continually in your truth. I do not sit with deceitful men, nor do I consort with hypocrites; I abhor the assembly of evildoers, and refuse to sit with the wicked. I wash my hands in innocence, and go about your altar, O Lord, proclaiming aloud your praise and telling of all your wonderful deeds. I love the house where you live, O Lord, the place where your glory dwells. Do not take away my soul along with the sinners, my life with bloodthirsty men, in whose hands are wicked schemes, whose right hands are full of bribes. But I lead a blameless life; redeem me and be merciful to me. My feet stand on level ground; in the great assembly I will praise the Lord.

My first reaction when I read this, I thought to myself 'How prideful of him to speak that way of himself! What exactly am I supposed to be learning from this? Doesn't this go against everything that the Bible teaches me about loving my enemies?' In some of the psalms David is very descriptive in how he asks God to kill and demolish his enemies. 'How can this be beneficial to read in scripture?' I thought. And in many other Psalms David pleads with God to rescue him, asking "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?" (Ps 13) I was getting discouraged reading through this stuff because, frankly, that's not the stuff I really want to read about. When I go to the Bible, I want to find encouragement, stuff to make me feel good. This was so depressing and downcast. Don't I have enough of that in my life already?

But then, I came across Psalm 43:

Vindicate me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation; rescue me from deceitful and wicked men. You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy? Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell. Then will I go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp, O God, my God.

As one of the first ones I read today, I thought 'Man, I don't know if I can read through a bunch of these depressing psalms again today. I can pretty much guess how they are all going to go, 'I am righteous, they are wicked. Destroy them, God. Why have you forgotten me? Enter some sort of praise because I am supposed to praise God. Rescue me, Lord.' But, then I read the last half of Psalm 43:

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

And immediately, I had that 'just been hit by a 2x4' feeling in my heart. How many times have I prayed prayers JUST like David? How many times have I begged and pleaded that God rescue me from my situation?  Or how many times have I presented my case to God, told him how I was so much more deserving than so and so or so and so? And asked why does this person prosper when they don't deserve it, and yet I do deserve it because I have done everything right. How many times have I cried out WHY, God? And how many times have I stomped my feet and said, 'This isn't fair!'? How many times have I poured self pity all over my prayers, in the midst of praise that I give with only half of my heart because I'm more concerned with my needs than how wonderful God is? And how many times has God stopped me right in the middle of those prayers of anguish and asked me, 'Why do you question me? Why do you not trust me? Have you not seen my miraculous signs in your life before? Put your hope back in me and watch what I will do.'

I finally understood why I needed to read these Psalms right now. Because I am on the exact same cycle of emotions with God as David is.

Joy, Pain, Anger, Pity, Deliverance, Humility, Pride....

I have stopped there. I haven't completed my cycle yet, and I need David to remind me of where I was, and what I've gone through, and to show me where I am now. I'm not sure why that particular Psalm spoke to me the way it did, because it's a lot like many of the other ones that he wrote. Maybe it's because I simply asked God to show me what He wanted me to glean from these scriptures. He did. He put me right back in the midst of my pain and sorrow, and helped me to understand exactly where David was coming from when he pleaded and cried all of those depressing prayers. It wasn't pride that drove him to say those things about himself or about his enemies. It was pain. Excruciating pain and sorrow. He had been driven out of his home by his own family, followers, and people that he had helped and trusted. They had betrayed him, and sought to kill him. He was alone and afraid and burdened. And broken.

Haven't I been there too? Too many times to count. I am so glad that David was so honest in his prayers, because it helps us know that 1. it's normal to have all of those emotions. Even David, the man after God's own heart, had the same rollercoaster of emotions that I have had and continue to have. And it helps us know that 2. God can handle our emotions. There is nothing that is too big for God, and He knows our hearts anyway, so we might as well be honest with him. When we are honest, at least we are communicating with him. When we aren't honest with Him, chances are we haven't even had a conversation with Him lately, and if we have, it wasn't genuine. and 3. it teaches us that everything in scripture is useful for something. We may sit and wonder, 'why in the world would God choose to put this in the Bible?' But be rest assured that there is a reason, and if you slow down to ask and really open your heart to figure out why, God will reveal to you why that particular scripture was meant to be read specifically by you, specifically at that time.

I know that emotions are not what define us as Christians. We are not supposed to base our faith on our emotions, because we know they are not stable. But we cannot deny our emotions. They come, whether we want them to or not. And I believe that God gave us our emotions. But it is what we do with our emotions that is important. Are we going to allow Satan to use our emotions against us? Slip into depression, or start drinking, or have "fits of rage", or last out at those we love the most. Or are we going to be honest and own up to what we feel? Are we truly going to seek God, even in our lowest, darkest, messiest situations that bring about the worst emotions ever? And when we truly seek God, are we going to be willing to accept whatever solution He has for us. Whether He rescues us right then, or makes us wait...are we humble enough to surrender what we want to what He knows we need? And then allow God to mold us and shape our emotions into something that will bring Him glory?


I am ready to move on to the humility and worship part of the cycle.

Where part of the cycle are you finding yourself in?

6 months

i'm going to start this post with the no-no words!!!

Kristopher *should be* turning 6 months old this month.

but today, i am using my no-no words, because it's.O.K.!!!

can you believe it?! can it really be that it's been SIX months since i held that sweet baby???? it feels like yesterday. i know that is such a "mother" thing to say, but for real, time goes faster and faster the older i get!

today, i celebrated! i gave it my all. because it's been 6 months of being carried by Jesus.

there is no sweeter place to be!

i can say that will absolute rest in my heart today.

i am celebrating the fact that i am standing today. i am celebrating the fact that even in the face of Satan himself, i DID.NOT. let him win. i celebrate the fact that i stand here today stronger, more absolute and more certain of my God than i have ever been in my life.

i am celebrating today, the fact that 6 months ago, i never ever ever thought i would be able to say these things today. and here i am. still standing. still smiling. albeit, still healing, but still whole!

God loves me, God is for me, and God is with me. (thanks, PT!)

Kristopher, I love you so so so much, beyond my own comprehension. and i miss you more than words could ever describe. but i am so proud to be your mommy and i am so grateful for your presence in my life. you have made me a better mama to your big brother, a better wife to your daddy, and just a better me. thank you for the strength you have given me. thank you for the perspective you have given me. but most of all, thank you for teaching me how to LOVE. i will never forget you, in half a year, a whole year, 5 years or 50. in the words of stephen and i's favorite book, "i'll love you forever, i'll like you for always, as long as i'm living, my baby you'll be!" i love you, baby!


p.s.
tomorrow, we celebrate a beautiful little life that came into this world 8 years ago! he was only here for 10 months but he made such a huge impact in this world. thank you Stephanie for being so brave and teaching me how to live again. happy birthday, little Jacob! if he and Kristopher are anything like Stephen and Matthew and Gabe, i know they are having a blast with Jesus!!!! <3

i have 2 children...

Today was a monumental day for me. extremely.

i know i've talked about it before, but when it comes time for me to answer the question of how many kids do i have...i choke. fear grips me and grief rips my heart out at the thought of what could have been, what should have been, and what is not. and so i slink back into my pit and put on a happy face and beam about my beautiful, brilliant, strong (i don't mention lonely, but oh so strong) 4 year old little boy named Stephen. oh my gosh i love that boy so much my heart wants to jump out of my chest sometimes! but underneath that outward prideful mama bear, there is a broken heart.

i have been talking to a friend of mine that i have known for years, and just found out that she lost her baby boy at 15 weeks. we have been sharing stories and feelings and emotions and on this particular subject, she told me that she tells everybody that asks her that she has two kids. and it shocked me at first, but after i talked to her more. it just made sense. why shouldn't i? how can i expect the people around me to not forget that Kristopher was real, if i don't speak of him myself. and i have had two friends that have come to me after finding out about what i've been through and have been so sorrowful that they didn't know sooner. and i only have myself to blame for that. all of these women have helped me realize that i don't have to be afraid of what i've gone through. i don't have to be worried that i'm going to scare people off or make them feel uncomfortable. because these ladies really do care about me, and they love me. and if they don't, then i don't really need to invest that much time in them. so with all that in mind, today.... it was different. and it was beautiful.

i began a new Bible study with some women from our church. *remember me talking about how important community of like minded believers is* well, of course on the first day, you don't get through too much more than all of the introductions. everyone was talking about what type of person they were, what kind of weather they liked, and of course how many kids they have. it came my turn and after *almost* chickening out, i stated my name and that i have two children. one of them is 4, and the other one is in Heaven. and just like that, it was out. in front of a lot of other people, some i did know, but most that i didn't. and guess what?! NOBODY ran out of the room. nobody looked at me weird. nobody did anything different than love me. in an instant.

my heart was flying the rest of that morning. it was like a hundred pound weight was lifted off of my shoulders!! i felt like i could breathe for the first time in a long time. i have to add that the week before during wednesday night women's group, as we were going around the table talking about a time when God had been near us, i spoke up about the time that God was not only near me, but when He was so close that He was carrying me. for the first time, in that setting, with the group of women that i sit with every week, since september. i was all heart a thumping and hands a shaking, but when i did, the beauty of being real, and transparent was evident.

since then, i have had not one, but two opportunities to minister to two separate families who have had an infant/child loss in their family. two ladies came across my path at work, and rather than run away for fear of bursting into tears, i spoke up. and i was honest. and the ministry that happened right there in the middle of a public store, was divine.

i realize that God has not brought me through this to keep it to myself. He has not brought me through this to shrink back in fear. no that is Satan's doing. and I refuse to let him beat me down anymore. God has brought me through this so that i can share it with the world. with those that are broken and hurting and that need to KNOW that God is there, and that there is HOPE!!!

thank you, so much to the women who have been there to support me and lift me up and encourage me. most of you have no idea that you have done those things, but you have. and if i ever get a chance to tell you, i will. thank you!!

IGNITE!!!

OH HOW HE LOVES US!!!!!

i just need to start out by saying how wonderfully, awesome and amazing God is. The last time I was here posting, I was so broken and confused. And since then, God has done incredible things for me. and i can't wait to tell you about it. i can barely type right now because i just want to blurt it all out and i'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts into writing!

first of all, community is so, so important. i never understood the absolute importance of fellowship until this past year of my life. and that is fellowship with kindred spirits, might i add. i have had much community with people that are different from me, women that don't believe the same things as i do, women who want me to agree to disagree with them on certain topics. and i'm not saying that you CAN'T have community with people who are different, but fellowship with others who share your heart for the same things, is imperative!! it is in that fellowship that i have discovered some of the most valuable treasures that God has tucked away in His Word. it was in this community of women that are trying to walk the same walk as i am, that i was able to utter some of the hardest words that i never thought i would have to say. it is in this community that i've learned that it's ok to be vulnerable. it's in this community that i've learned that it's ok to be REAL. i've learned that there is a TON of healing in having a group of people who you can share your most vulnerable self with and they are there to catch you when the breath gets knocked out of you. the ladies that have become so important to me, are ladies that i don't even know outside of church, some of them. but it's ok, because we're all in this together. and we all serve the same glorious God. and it's good.

this past weekend, our church had a 24 hour worship service, beginning at 7 pm on Friday night and lasting until 7 pm Saturday night. I decided from the time I heard about it, I was going to go, and I was going to give it all i had. i was in desperate need of just some time with Jesus. little did i know just how much i needed that though. i don't think i can accurately describe what happened throughout that night, but it was just what i needed. and i can say that ever since, my perspective is changed. for the first time in a long long time, i was able to worship God without holding anything back. i was there long enough to get past the initial barrier that i always seem to put up when i go into worship. it doesn't matter how genuine i am about wanting to be there, i always have a wall up around my heart and i almost always feel somewhat skeptical. and it seems like in normal worship time during church, i just barely get to the point where i can open up my crossed arms and be free and authentic, but then it's time to sit down and listen. but that night, i was able to let go. and i praised God, simply for who He is, and what He's done. the things that He deserves to be praised for. i was able to focus on Him rather than how much my heart hurt and how much i desperately needed his help. which i still do, but i think it's very important to be able to praise God for being God, nothing more, nothing less. because even if that's all we had, if he never bestowed blessings upon us, or if he never picked us up and healed our brokenness, He would still be worthy of praise, because He IS. I was able to fully surrender to His will and not even think about my own. as i sang, and as i listened, i heard scripture. and i wrote it down. and the phrases and lyrics that stuck out in my heart, i wrote them down. i stayed there all night friday night, and then i had to leave for work at about 8 on Saturday morning. i can't describe the feeling of emptiness i had while i was away. i couldn't think about anything but how i felt in those moments and all i wanted was to go back. so i did, when i got off work. and i wasn't even tired! i was more awake that night than i am after i get 10 hours of sleep! i really can't describe what happened in that room, but i left a different person.

i just want to share what God spoke to my heart during this time. it might sound like jibber jabber, but it's just too exciting to me not to share.

You won't relent until You have it all...my heart is Yours. Come be the fire inside of me 

until You and i are one. I don't want to talk about You like You're not in the room. 

I want to look right at You, I want to see right to You. there's nothing, nothing i want more. 

i have decided, i have resolved to wait upon You Lord. 

my Rock and Redeemer shall not be moved. i'll wait on you Lord. 

Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ is coming again! 

The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace. 

The Cross before me, the world behind me. no turning back. 

till every tear is wiped away and orphans songs are turned to praise. till all is true, i'll follow You. 

till every heart knows Your name.

till all the nations sing Your praise. i have decided to follow Jesus. no turning back. 

i give my life to follow, everything i believe in. 

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. 

He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17 

As much as we sing to the Lord, even more so, He sings over us!

Psalm 24:1-6; Psalm 77:13

"Exalt the Lord your God and worship at His footstool; He is holy. Exalt the Lord our God and worship at His holy mountain, for the Lord our God is holy." Psalm 99:5&9

Isaiah 5:16; 6:3; 40:23-31;57:15

"The Lord is holy in His temple. Let all the Earth be silent before Him." Habakkuk 2:20

Rev. 4:8

I will love You enough to let go.

when did love become unmoving? when did love become unconsuming? 

forgetting what the world has told me, Father of love, You can have me. 

At the cross You beckon me, bring me gently to my knees. i am lost for words, so lost in love. sweetly broken. wholly surrendered.

i'm sorry Lord for the thing i've made it, it's all about You. 

what can i say? what can i do? but offer this heart completely to You. 

Your love is extravagant. Your friendship is intimate. spread wide in the arms of Christ. 

no greater love have i ever known. capture my heart again. 

You are holy, great and mighty! the moon and the stars declare who you are. 

forever my heart will sing of how great You are! 

Hallelujah! our God reigns! 

First I must be empty to be filled. 

Greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city! 

there are no strangers, there are no outcasts, there are no orphans of God. 

so many have fallen, but Hallelujah, there are no orphans of God!

OH HAPPY DAY!

worship=healing!!!

UNTIL THE WHOLE WORLD HEARS!

i have always loved worship. in any form or fashion. and especially through music. it just speaks to me. but i have never in my life encountered worship the way that i did that weekend. and for that, i will forever be changed. and i can't wait to do it again.