Promises

Three years ago, God reminded me of a promise. He quietly whispered to me,  "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." It wouldn't be enough for me to say that He fulfilled that promise. He has proved to me during so many moments that His words really are true. His GRACE is more than sufficient. And the most awe inspiring part is getting to watch Him receive glory through my weakness. God can use my feeble words to display His power and glory. 

A few weeks after my baby passed from this life into a life so much better than I could ever attempt to give, in the midst of my grief and pity, God gave me another very clear promise. Through the words in Isaiah, God told me not to fear because I would bear fruit again. He was going to give me another baby and it was going to be healthy and it was going to be a great leader. The only problem with this promise was that the Lord kept saying, not yet. Not that I was any where near ready for that step at that time, but as time went on, month after month, I began to long for that promise. 

One year and one month later, almost to the day, He opened the door. Through many different places in Scripture, He told me that it was time to begin seeking this child of promise. At this point, we had already began our journey of moving overseas and we knew that having a baby and moving to another country didn't really fit well together in our minds. However, God graciously confirmed His word to me and took it one step further by telling us that we would have the gift He had promised before we left. So we let that soak in and decided to trust that He knew what was best for us and to allow Him the opportunity to fulfill that promise. 

Fast forward a year and a half. Month by month we reminded ourselves that we had said we trusted the Lord with the outcome of this promise and we took refuge in stories of trial and patience and joy found in Scripture. With each month that passed, I silently grimaced every time someone made that happy post that they were expecting their 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th baby and then immediately felt guilty because I really was SO incredibly happy for them. Now, we had finally reached a point in our walk in which having a baby would seriously interfere with our timeline. And I regret to say that a large part of me stuffed that promise deep into the pockets of my heart and I told myself that I must have just heard incorrectly. It definitely wouldn't be the first time. And so we decided that it was time to put this hope on hold and move forward through the doors that God was swinging wide open and come back to the closed door later. 

Three years feels like a long time to wait for something. But as soon as I am tempted to think that I am reminded of the stories of Sarah and Abraham who waited 25 years for their promised child and David who waited 15 years before he was able to hold the position promised to him. My goodness, the Israelites (bless their hearts) wandered in a desert for 40 years before they finally made it to their promised land! There are so many examples of promises that were right on time in the eyes of the Lord but in our flesh, seem like an eternity. Most of the time, those reminders are very humbling and cause me to kneel and say "Thank you Lord for the life you have given me, and I trust you with every moment of my future." But then there are other times when 3 years is simply a long time.

That brings me to today.  Three years after we said hello and  goodbye to our long awaited and highly anticipated second son. Almost three years since the day I heard the promise from God that is well worth waiting for. We celebrated today. Every year we take this day off from everything in life that rushes us and takes us to the next moment and choose to live that day to the fullest and as a family enjoy all that God has done in our lives. This year was no different. I was concerned that it was definitely going to look different this year, because of our location. But God showed up big time and gave us an incredible place to spend our day of rejoicing. He even gave me sun rays on the ride home, which has always been a special Jesus kiss on my hard days. He always sends me sun rays.

Happy 3rd Birthday Kristopher! I can honestly say I have a PERFECT 3 year old! He is just "angelic!" :) I am so grateful that God gives us so many reasons to celebrate. 

In fact, He even gave us an extra reason this time, three years later...

We are going to have another baby! 

Coming in late February 2014, the proof that God does fulfill every single promise that He ever makes, down to last detail. You can do the math. We left in June. I think sometimes, God knows that I just need to laugh!! 

I have to say that the shock is *almost* gone and we are getting very excited. At the same time, there are many points of concern. We would appreciate your prayers, not only as we live and minister overseas, but also as I live PREGNANT overseas!! 

Unbound

I have always loved the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. About a year or so ago, my pastor's wife, women's ministry leader, and mentor, Leighann McCoy put a completely different spin on this story for me and I want to share it with you. I was reminded of this today as I read Daniel 3. This story is a story of obedience and God's provision; of how God rescues us. But deep in the scripture there is a little gem tucked away. In verse 25, King Neb is describing the men he sees in the furnace. This is where we usually pull out the fact that God is with them and that they are unharmed by the fire that was heated 7 times hotter than usual; so hot that the people who threw them into the fire were killed. But look at the word unbound. "He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.” They went into the fire tied by "some of the strongest soldiers in the army" (vs. 20). 

Sometimes we have to go through a fire to be released from the things that have us bound!

Have you ever felt the freedom that comes when you get on the other side of something difficult? How about when you're hiking and going up that hill is exhausting, but then you get to the top and the view takes your breath away. OR maybe you are exercising, and like me you want to quit about a quarter of the way through. But you keep going and when you finish you are so full of energy and joy and confidence, and you don't feel guilty about having that ice cream earlier. I know that these are trivial examples, but the principles are the same in our trials and struggles of life: our fires. Losing my son was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. I prayed so many nights that I could just go on to Heaven. I didn't want to feel that way anymore. But I learned to trust in the Lord, each moment and I learned that "even if God does not rescue me" (Dan. 3:18) that God was still God and I had a reason to worship Him. I learned the incredible experience of allowing God to use a fire in my life, and every fire after that, to burn off the ties, ropes, burdens, sorrows, guilt, shame, hopelessness, frustrations, fears and anything else that had me bound. 

I was asked just the other day, 'how can things go from thunderstorm after thunderstorm, to things are great and wonderful and joyful?' The answer is simply, Jesus. By His grace and compassion, and the people that took me by the hand and led me to His feet. Jesus burned off the binding ties around my heart and set me free so that I could see the full and abundant life that He longs to give me, even in the midst of pain and struggle. What has you bound today? What has you so trapped in your struggles that you can't find the One who is walking right beside you through your fire? Pray and ask God to soften your heart and to reveal these things to you. Humble yourself and allow Him to set you free! I am praying for you today!

The Gift of You

I vividly remember this night 2 years ago, on August 1st. I can still remember that still small voice that spoke to me as I sat in a hospital bed, my mind completely reeling from the traumatic events the night before. God was asking me to choose. Was I going to be angry, bitter and build a wall around my heart so high that nothing or no one could ever hurt me again, especially God? Or was I going to LIVE the words of the songs that I so passionately sang during worship time at church? The words of all of my favorite worship songs began to play in my mind. I knew, in that lonely hospital room, that the fork between the wide and the narrow path lay before me. I had to make a choice.

I wrote this that night:

after my csection, the anesthesiologist offered to give me some narcotics to help me relax, but i didn't want them. i want to feel every last drop of emotion that is going to come. i could get away from it if i wanted to, but i think that will just make it a longer process. and while it hurts, it's a beautiful form of pain. i dont know if i can describe it. it's a righteous pain, pain in the purest form. pain that is ordained by God himself. it evokes feelings and emotions that He gives us, and it's such a huge mess that He is perfectly capable of cleaning up with a holy disinfectant wipe. i don't want to miss a beat. i wonder if that is weird.

I chose God. I chose Jesus. I chose the path to healing. I chose the blood, redemption, grace and LOVE. I chose forgiveness. I chose beauty. I chose to submit even when I didn't understand. I chose to embrace every bit of life I had been given. I chose to fight for my heart, which is the wellspring of my life and I chose to take the next step. I chose to keep walking, even though I wasn't sure that there was any possible way out of the despair I felt. I chose to BELIEVE. I chose to trust. And I chose to worship.

 It took me a long time to really feel my choice. My head understood my choice a lot sooner than my heart did. I knew all the right answers and the scriptures to back them up. But when I was alone, I questioned and doubted and faltered. I stood on wobbly knees, and I knelt on tear stained floors. The narrow path was not a pretty one. Not in the beginning at least. There weren't any pretty flowers along the road nor were there any nice spots for a picnic. It was dark and scary and lonely. But, when I really focused on where I was going, and quit looking for the flowers and the picnic benches, I could find a light (not literal, of course). A tiny light at first. Just a speck, a hint of light that told me to keep walking. A glimmer of hope. That there was something I needed to discover. Just keep your eyes on the speck of light and keep pressing on through the dark.

And slowly, ever so subtly, I would catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of a bright and colorful flower. I would smile and almost reach down to pick it up, but would notice the humongous weeds that surrounded its bloom and shrink away in fear. Nothing good can come out of this. Who was I kidding? And then someone dear would remind me of that tiny light again and would remind me to just stay focused. Many times this would happen. Look, there is a flower, but yeah you don't want to touch it. It's probably poisonous anyway. But as I walked forward, the light grew bigger, and the flowers grew more often. I eventually began to pick them up. I tucked them in my heart and kept them close for safe keeping. Until I could see flowers everywhere. When I quit searching for them in all the wrong places, and set my sight on all things above. The were there, all around me. All different colors. And then one day, the light burst forth...

...and I found a picnic bench.
I found a place to rest. I found a purpose. God showed me a mission.
On November 8, 2010, I wrote this:

i feel like God is calling me to do something big. i'm not exactly sure what it is yet. but i know it's something.

On November 14, 2010, the Lord spoke into my sorrow, called me by name, and invited me in to see what He had been planning for me all along. He took me by the hand, and pulled me to my feet, when I wasn't sure I could remember how to stand. In my Spirit, I felt the Lord telling me, "Come, there are people that I need you to meet. They are on the other side of the world. I love them, and they are mine, but they don't know who I am. I need you to tell them. I WANT you to tell them. I want to give you this opportunity to join me in a miraculous thing that you wouldn't even believe if I told you. Not many people get to experience this kind of story. Many people simply aren't listening. But you...you are following the light. You chose Me. You said yes to what I had to offer you. My child, let me show you ALL that I want to give you. Follow me."

So, I said yes. I chose to follow Jesus. The coolest thing though, was that I looked to my left and my dear sweet husband was standing too, going through the same journey as me. He had been suffering right beside me for 3 months, in his own ways, but God knew us. And He knew what He has wanted for us all along, and He brought us both to the exact same spot. Standing side by side in a sanctuary filled with people, committing to a world of unknown. I knew it could mean big things. I knew it would most likely be hard. The only thing I didn't know, was what it meant. Four months went by, and we prayed, "God what does this mean? What does this look like? What do you want us to do?" And then we went to East Asia.

Our world had already been rocked, but now it was being turned upside down. We both knew. This was it. This IS it. Those words that He had been whispering for so long now, "Follow Me." We understood. And we could see the wonderous light. We began to see the beginning of a beautiful tapestry that was taking shape in our hearts. Our mourning was turned to dancing. Perfect love had cast out all fear. Fear was replaced with the peace that passes understanding. And where there was sorrow, now JOY.

In June of 2013, our family will be moving to East Asia to serve for a term of 3 years among the ZZ people. We will begin with 8 weeks of training in the states and by the end of June, we will be loaded on a plane, one of those big ones, all 3 of us with 6 large suitcases.  We will be following the Lord, because He is already there. He has been planning every single step of mine since the day I was conceived, no before that, and so far He has done a pretty good job. I can look back on the last 2 years of my life and see that no, it has not been pretty nor easy, but it has brought glory to my Savior, and continues to do so. And for that, I have no complaints. I only have one request. "Lord, lead me."

So tonight, as I recall that lonely night in the hospital 2 years ago, I thank God for helping me make the right choice. And to my sweet baby boy, Kristopher: Happy 2nd Birthday, dear heart. My time with you was oh so short, but, my stars, how precious it was. And I hope that Jesus has you on his lap at this very moment and is telling you the story of your mama, and daddy and your big brother who loves you to the moon and back. and I know He is telling you how much He loves us both. If you had never come and gone, I may have never known what it is to make that choice. To choose faith, even when I couldn't see. I don't know that I would have ever seen that teensy flickering light. You have made such an impact in this world that you never got to see, smell, taste, or touch. You did hear it, of this I am sure. Sometimes I can still feel you kicking me in response to sound. I am so thankful to be your mommy. I cherish your life and on this day, every year, we celebrate the gift of you. I love you.

Lord, I thank you for such an amazing gift. Not just the gift of a child, but the gift of being able to see You in every circumstance. I thank you for your love. Because of that love, I am not consumed. Thank you for your compassion; You have NEVER failed me. Oh and your mercies, praise God, they are new. every. morning. Lord, You ARE my portion. Your plans are worth waiting for. For you are so good to me, whose hope is less than steady. Though my eyes grow weak, I will never give up seeking Your face. I wait quietly, for quiet is good. I wait for your salvation. It will come. Abundantly. This I know, for I have seen it with my own eyes.(based on Lamentations 3:22-26)

"but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." Jn 9:3

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