if the room is dark....

"Christians are supposed to influence the world. 

No matter how dark it is, 

the darkness doesn't have the power to put out the light of even one candle. 

(light a candle in a dark room and see 

if you can get the darkness to overcome the soft glow of that candle.)

the darkness doesn't put out the light, the light fails. 

when you walk into a room, turn on the light and the bulb blows, 

you don't turn around and say, 'the darkness has killed another one!' 

you say, 'the light bulb blew!'

if the room is dark, it's not a victory of the darkness, it's a failure of the light. 

if your office, home, neighborhood is dark, it's a failure of the light that you are supposed to be. 

you may be in the office you are in because there are lost sheep that the shepherd wants to find. 

'But I'm not happy. Things aren't going the way I want them to.' 

Who cares?! 

It's not about you! 

It's about JESUS 

and the people that He died to save. 

Maybe,

we're not happy 

because we're not fulfilling the purpose that God has put us there for. 

Maybe 

we're not happy 

because we are seeking happiness 

rather than God."

-excerpt from Kairos "A Life Well Lived, Part 11" by Mike Glenn

what i've learned in a year

one year. 365 days since the worst day of my life. it's almost unbelievable. i will never be able to understand how time goes so fast and yet so slow, all at the same time. some days feel like they will never end, but then here i am standing here looking over the last YEAR of my life, feeling so helpless because it can't have been a year yet! Kristopher's "angel" birthday was monday. i've been so nervous about this day for a month. thursday and friday were difficult. i was at work and trying my best, not too successful, to handle the waging war within me. and saturday night was my hardest. i crawled into bed and i wept for a long time and justin and i stayed up very late talking about everything that we were and have been going through. sunday, i spent the whole day pretty much numb. i didn't linger around any one person or conversation for too long. i was scared to let myself feel or think anything because i wanted to appear normal in front of everyone around me. but inside, i was really wanting to scream. the hardest part of grief, for me, is having to live a "normal" life when there is absolutely nothing inside of you that feels normal. sunday night, i told stephen that the next day was kristopher's birthday of when he went to heaven. he got a little upset and told me that he wanted him to come play with his toys. so we talked for a while. i could have avoided the subject, but i wanted him to be a part of the day with me. he is his big brother, and i felt like he deserved to celebrate too. that night, during our bedtime prayers, stephen spoke the most beautiful prayer that i think i've ever heard. sometimes he sounds so mature for his age and he understands things on a level that i have a hard time accepting. i am so thankful that God is working in his life as well, because he teaches me so many things about my own faith. i love every bit of that ball of energy.

monday morning, i woke up at 4:21. kristopher was born at 4:35. i smiled as i thanked God for waking me up to remember him at that time. after i finally woke up and got going, i had a surprisingly good day. it went much better than i had ever expected it to. and i'm glad that i had been so emotional the few days before because i feel like it freed my soul to have a pleasant day on monday. i've spent the last three days going through all of the cards that i received over the last year. i still love reading them all. along with all the gifts i received in memory of kristopher. my heart is so full of love. we went and had lunch, and stephen got a special cookie to celebrate his baby brother's birthday. then that night, justin and i went out on a date to dinner and a movie. it was so refreshing to have some time alone, to just be quiet, and be together, and reflect. i am beyond thankful for this husband of mine. he is so special in so many ways. i love him deeply. more than i could have ever imagined. i went to bed monday night feeling peaceful and hopeful and thankful. i'm thankful that i have an extra reason to celebrate in august. and every year is just one more year closer to getting to see not only kristopher again, but also, my Lord. I am so excited.


so what have i learned in a year?

i have learned that grief is a process. every little moment, or milestone is a loss. and i have to grieve every single one of those losses. they are not just lumped into one big loss. they are individual and different and each one affects me a different way. for example, stephen is starting school this year. albeit, it's pre-k, and not kindergarden because he has a november birthday, it's still a huge milestone for us. he has been at home with me since he was born, minus the last few months that he has been with my mom while i work a few days a week. i was expecting to have a baby to keep my company and help me cope with him going to school this year, and i don't. that's a milestone that has hurt me when i didn't realize it would. something that i have to grieve before i can let go of it. milestones come up and i don't see them coming until they are here, and then wham. it's all part of grief.

i have learned that there is no right or wrong, no formula, no how to on grief. it is as individual as the person themselves. i can't look at how someone else has grieved and judge my grief based on them, and vice versa. i have learned that my grief is mine. and nobody can or should tell me how i should grieve, or when i should be done.
  i have learned that i am not alone in my grief. there are many many other people in the world that are experiencing, or have experienced the same grief. though each situation is different and individual, the pain of grief is the same. and there is some solace in knowing that you are not alone, even though at times the isolation you feel is choking.


i have learned that it's ok to be honest with myself. i shouldn't try to hide any kind of emotion. i am free to express my emotion in any way that is healthy for me and my family. in fact, i need to express my emotion to the best of my ability. expression is one of the best paths to healing.


i have learned that it's ok to be honest with people. i can't expect random strangers to know what is wrong with me at any given moment. it's ok to tell them about my situation. and if i don't, i can't get upset when they say something that might otherwise hurt me. if i haven't been honest with them, it is absurd to hold them accountable for the conversations they bring up. i have learned to be much more tolerable with other people that may or may not know about my situation. even if they know about it, they can't possibly know how i feel, and holding that expectation above their heads is completely unfair. there is a lot of freedom is lowering those expectations.


i have learned that people WILL move on. life does not stand still, as much as i would like it to. life goes on. people come and go, they grow, their families grow, their life changes, as does mine. even though i feel stuck in the past some days, my life is still changing. i have to go with it. it doesn't mean i have to forget. i will always remember. everyone else won't remember. it's ok. God has given this memory to me. it's personal. it's mine. i need to own it and let others live their life. because ultimately, i can't stop them. and it's unfair to want them to stop.


i have learned that grief is a journey. it's not something that ever goes away. by God's grace, your heart will heal, and you will be able to move on, but you will always be subject to those sudden small moments, fleeting as they may be, that rip open the scars and bring back all of the pain as harsh as it was in those first hours.

i have learned that i have a lot to learn. life is always full of one lesson after another. it keeps us fresh, on our toes. always looking, always seeking an answer. hopefully, always seeking the only One who can truly give us an answer.


I have learned that His strength is made perfect in our weakness. and He is worthy. oh, so worthy, of our praise, and adoration. "all of my life, in every season, You are still God, i have a reason to sing. i have a reason to worship" (desert song)

as i said earlier, i have spent the last couple of days, in the midst of getting stephen ready for school, going through many of my mementos of kristopher's life. i made a video of all of my memories. as a disclaimer, there are several pictures of kristopher in my video, so if you don't want to go there, i totally understand. but i am happy to share my memories with anyone that wants to remember with me.





thank you all for the wonderful support over the last year. i know the journey is not over for me, but i am so thankful i can look back with the perspective i have today and have hope for the future. something i never thought i would have again. God is good. so good!

Emotion Cycle of a Christian

Joy, Pain, Anger, Pity, Deliverance, Humility, Pride, Humility, Worshipful, Joy, Pain, etc.

I've been reading in the Psalms lately. The way my chronological Bible has them organized is by subject, sort of. The Psalms that are specific as to when they were written, were put in line with that story, but many of them have no specific indication of what circumstance they were written during, so the author categorized the rest. Right now, I am reading all of the Psalms of the "Troubled Soul" as they put it. I have been kind of taken aback at reading them all together. They are almost pathetic in a small way. This one in particular put a bad taste in my mouth at the time that I read it.

Vindicate me, O Lord, for I have led a blameless life; I have trusted in the Lord without wavering. Test me, O Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind; for your love is ever before me, and I walk continually in your truth. I do not sit with deceitful men, nor do I consort with hypocrites; I abhor the assembly of evildoers, and refuse to sit with the wicked. I wash my hands in innocence, and go about your altar, O Lord, proclaiming aloud your praise and telling of all your wonderful deeds. I love the house where you live, O Lord, the place where your glory dwells. Do not take away my soul along with the sinners, my life with bloodthirsty men, in whose hands are wicked schemes, whose right hands are full of bribes. But I lead a blameless life; redeem me and be merciful to me. My feet stand on level ground; in the great assembly I will praise the Lord.

My first reaction when I read this, I thought to myself 'How prideful of him to speak that way of himself! What exactly am I supposed to be learning from this? Doesn't this go against everything that the Bible teaches me about loving my enemies?' In some of the psalms David is very descriptive in how he asks God to kill and demolish his enemies. 'How can this be beneficial to read in scripture?' I thought. And in many other Psalms David pleads with God to rescue him, asking "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?" (Ps 13) I was getting discouraged reading through this stuff because, frankly, that's not the stuff I really want to read about. When I go to the Bible, I want to find encouragement, stuff to make me feel good. This was so depressing and downcast. Don't I have enough of that in my life already?

But then, I came across Psalm 43:

Vindicate me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation; rescue me from deceitful and wicked men. You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy? Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell. Then will I go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp, O God, my God.

As one of the first ones I read today, I thought 'Man, I don't know if I can read through a bunch of these depressing psalms again today. I can pretty much guess how they are all going to go, 'I am righteous, they are wicked. Destroy them, God. Why have you forgotten me? Enter some sort of praise because I am supposed to praise God. Rescue me, Lord.' But, then I read the last half of Psalm 43:

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

And immediately, I had that 'just been hit by a 2x4' feeling in my heart. How many times have I prayed prayers JUST like David? How many times have I begged and pleaded that God rescue me from my situation?  Or how many times have I presented my case to God, told him how I was so much more deserving than so and so or so and so? And asked why does this person prosper when they don't deserve it, and yet I do deserve it because I have done everything right. How many times have I cried out WHY, God? And how many times have I stomped my feet and said, 'This isn't fair!'? How many times have I poured self pity all over my prayers, in the midst of praise that I give with only half of my heart because I'm more concerned with my needs than how wonderful God is? And how many times has God stopped me right in the middle of those prayers of anguish and asked me, 'Why do you question me? Why do you not trust me? Have you not seen my miraculous signs in your life before? Put your hope back in me and watch what I will do.'

I finally understood why I needed to read these Psalms right now. Because I am on the exact same cycle of emotions with God as David is.

Joy, Pain, Anger, Pity, Deliverance, Humility, Pride....

I have stopped there. I haven't completed my cycle yet, and I need David to remind me of where I was, and what I've gone through, and to show me where I am now. I'm not sure why that particular Psalm spoke to me the way it did, because it's a lot like many of the other ones that he wrote. Maybe it's because I simply asked God to show me what He wanted me to glean from these scriptures. He did. He put me right back in the midst of my pain and sorrow, and helped me to understand exactly where David was coming from when he pleaded and cried all of those depressing prayers. It wasn't pride that drove him to say those things about himself or about his enemies. It was pain. Excruciating pain and sorrow. He had been driven out of his home by his own family, followers, and people that he had helped and trusted. They had betrayed him, and sought to kill him. He was alone and afraid and burdened. And broken.

Haven't I been there too? Too many times to count. I am so glad that David was so honest in his prayers, because it helps us know that 1. it's normal to have all of those emotions. Even David, the man after God's own heart, had the same rollercoaster of emotions that I have had and continue to have. And it helps us know that 2. God can handle our emotions. There is nothing that is too big for God, and He knows our hearts anyway, so we might as well be honest with him. When we are honest, at least we are communicating with him. When we aren't honest with Him, chances are we haven't even had a conversation with Him lately, and if we have, it wasn't genuine. and 3. it teaches us that everything in scripture is useful for something. We may sit and wonder, 'why in the world would God choose to put this in the Bible?' But be rest assured that there is a reason, and if you slow down to ask and really open your heart to figure out why, God will reveal to you why that particular scripture was meant to be read specifically by you, specifically at that time.

I know that emotions are not what define us as Christians. We are not supposed to base our faith on our emotions, because we know they are not stable. But we cannot deny our emotions. They come, whether we want them to or not. And I believe that God gave us our emotions. But it is what we do with our emotions that is important. Are we going to allow Satan to use our emotions against us? Slip into depression, or start drinking, or have "fits of rage", or last out at those we love the most. Or are we going to be honest and own up to what we feel? Are we truly going to seek God, even in our lowest, darkest, messiest situations that bring about the worst emotions ever? And when we truly seek God, are we going to be willing to accept whatever solution He has for us. Whether He rescues us right then, or makes us wait...are we humble enough to surrender what we want to what He knows we need? And then allow God to mold us and shape our emotions into something that will bring Him glory?


I am ready to move on to the humility and worship part of the cycle.

Where part of the cycle are you finding yourself in?