Does God Really Love Me?

5 years ago today, We began a journey with the Father that I was not prepared for. We were 2 weeks away from meeting our second son, a little boy that already had so much personality in the womb, but our excitement turned to sorrow as we had to make the phone calls that his heart had stopped beating and he was no longer with us. As I sat in the hospital bed, I remember looking at the two choices that were in front of me: to trust Jesus and allow Him to guide me through this or to turn around and run from Him as fast as I could, because after all, He couldn't possibly really love me if he was allowing this to happen to me. We had prayed so hard for this baby and when we discovered something wasn't right, we prayed harder than we had ever prayed before. We knew that He had the power to make everything right again. But He didn't. As much as my head told me that I should just give up this faith thing, my heart knew different. When I decided to put my faith in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, my soul was sealed by the Holy Spirit. (Ephesians 1:13-14) And I know that nothing is able to separate me from that Love that saved me for all eternity from my own evil heart. (Romans 8:36-39) So no matter how much I hurt and how much it's not fair, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God's love for me is real. He weeps when I weep and He laughs when I laugh. My feelings are no farther from His own heart than the skin on my bones. He breathed his final breath on the cross for me. He knows pain. He understands suffering. He knows better than anyone, especially me, the agony of sacrifice.

5 years ago, I wasn't sure that I could take one more step in this life. The pain was too overwhelming. But He was there right beside me as I tried to sleep through the sounds of newborns crying down the hallway that night in the hospital. He was beside me as I walked out of the hospital with flowers in my arms, but no baby. He was there with me through every moment when I was laying in the shower floor weeping or when I didn't want to get out of bed. He was there as I desperately tried to guide my then 3 year old through the stages of grief, even though I had no idea what the answers were myself. And that day was just the beginning of the story God was using to show me more about who He is and just how much He cares, not just about me, but about the world.

My life will never be the same. Yes, I still grieve. I'm sitting here watching my two boys fighting and I grieve the fact that there should be one more in the pile on the floor. I often think about how different my life could be, should be. But then I am reminded of who I was then and who I am now, what God has done in my life since then, and the beautiful relationship that I now have with my Savior that has bloomed out of sorrow, and I am thankful. So today, just like every August 1 for the last 5 years, we celebrate the gift of our Kristopher Noble and we choose to be grateful, because after all, He does love me more than I could ever ask or imagine. And we have SO much to be grateful for. If we never saw the bitter winter, spring would not be nearly as beautiful. I want to encourage you today, if you are hurting and doubting and you are debating giving up on your faith, please don't. If you are at a crossroads of whether to believe in God in the first place, say yes! If you have never really thought about it before, please think about it! Press in to Him harder than you ever have and I promise you that He is faithful to show you a far deeper and more meaningful life if you allow Him to use this circumstance in your life for His glory. I promise you have so much more to gain, and even more to lose if you choose the other way.

We live in a place where 99% of the people that we meet have no understanding of this Love. Most of them have never even heard His name before. They have the same hurts we do. They grieve and they have sorrow. They have tragedies and disasters too. They struggle to provide for their families, their marriages are broken, they don't know how to raise perfect children, and the only hope that they have is the hope that if they follow the rules and make sure to please whatever gods or ancestors they worship, then maybe something good will happen in their afterlife, if there even is an afterlife. Please think of these people and ask Father to reveal Himself to them and show them what true hope is. And as you bear the burden of your own struggles, remember that you live in a place where you have a choice. You have heard this story about the King of kings who left His throne to come to Earth to live a life just like us, and in His love for us, was despised and rejected and chose to die to make things right in our lives. All of this to give us the hope of a better future, a life with Him for all eternity. This world is not as good as it gets. You know that there are millions of people who have testimony of what Christ as done in their lives. And if you didn't know all of that, now you do. You know there is an option.  What will you choose?

Promises

Three years ago, God reminded me of a promise. He quietly whispered to me,  "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." It wouldn't be enough for me to say that He fulfilled that promise. He has proved to me during so many moments that His words really are true. His GRACE is more than sufficient. And the most awe inspiring part is getting to watch Him receive glory through my weakness. God can use my feeble words to display His power and glory. 

A few weeks after my baby passed from this life into a life so much better than I could ever attempt to give, in the midst of my grief and pity, God gave me another very clear promise. Through the words in Isaiah, God told me not to fear because I would bear fruit again. He was going to give me another baby and it was going to be healthy and it was going to be a great leader. The only problem with this promise was that the Lord kept saying, not yet. Not that I was any where near ready for that step at that time, but as time went on, month after month, I began to long for that promise. 

One year and one month later, almost to the day, He opened the door. Through many different places in Scripture, He told me that it was time to begin seeking this child of promise. At this point, we had already began our journey of moving overseas and we knew that having a baby and moving to another country didn't really fit well together in our minds. However, God graciously confirmed His word to me and took it one step further by telling us that we would have the gift He had promised before we left. So we let that soak in and decided to trust that He knew what was best for us and to allow Him the opportunity to fulfill that promise. 

Fast forward a year and a half. Month by month we reminded ourselves that we had said we trusted the Lord with the outcome of this promise and we took refuge in stories of trial and patience and joy found in Scripture. With each month that passed, I silently grimaced every time someone made that happy post that they were expecting their 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th baby and then immediately felt guilty because I really was SO incredibly happy for them. Now, we had finally reached a point in our walk in which having a baby would seriously interfere with our timeline. And I regret to say that a large part of me stuffed that promise deep into the pockets of my heart and I told myself that I must have just heard incorrectly. It definitely wouldn't be the first time. And so we decided that it was time to put this hope on hold and move forward through the doors that God was swinging wide open and come back to the closed door later. 

Three years feels like a long time to wait for something. But as soon as I am tempted to think that I am reminded of the stories of Sarah and Abraham who waited 25 years for their promised child and David who waited 15 years before he was able to hold the position promised to him. My goodness, the Israelites (bless their hearts) wandered in a desert for 40 years before they finally made it to their promised land! There are so many examples of promises that were right on time in the eyes of the Lord but in our flesh, seem like an eternity. Most of the time, those reminders are very humbling and cause me to kneel and say "Thank you Lord for the life you have given me, and I trust you with every moment of my future." But then there are other times when 3 years is simply a long time.

That brings me to today.  Three years after we said hello and  goodbye to our long awaited and highly anticipated second son. Almost three years since the day I heard the promise from God that is well worth waiting for. We celebrated today. Every year we take this day off from everything in life that rushes us and takes us to the next moment and choose to live that day to the fullest and as a family enjoy all that God has done in our lives. This year was no different. I was concerned that it was definitely going to look different this year, because of our location. But God showed up big time and gave us an incredible place to spend our day of rejoicing. He even gave me sun rays on the ride home, which has always been a special Jesus kiss on my hard days. He always sends me sun rays.

Happy 3rd Birthday Kristopher! I can honestly say I have a PERFECT 3 year old! He is just "angelic!" :) I am so grateful that God gives us so many reasons to celebrate. 

In fact, He even gave us an extra reason this time, three years later...

We are going to have another baby! 

Coming in late February 2014, the proof that God does fulfill every single promise that He ever makes, down to last detail. You can do the math. We left in June. I think sometimes, God knows that I just need to laugh!! 

I have to say that the shock is *almost* gone and we are getting very excited. At the same time, there are many points of concern. We would appreciate your prayers, not only as we live and minister overseas, but also as I live PREGNANT overseas!! 

Unbound

I have always loved the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. About a year or so ago, my pastor's wife, women's ministry leader, and mentor, Leighann McCoy put a completely different spin on this story for me and I want to share it with you. I was reminded of this today as I read Daniel 3. This story is a story of obedience and God's provision; of how God rescues us. But deep in the scripture there is a little gem tucked away. In verse 25, King Neb is describing the men he sees in the furnace. This is where we usually pull out the fact that God is with them and that they are unharmed by the fire that was heated 7 times hotter than usual; so hot that the people who threw them into the fire were killed. But look at the word unbound. "He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.” They went into the fire tied by "some of the strongest soldiers in the army" (vs. 20). 

Sometimes we have to go through a fire to be released from the things that have us bound!

Have you ever felt the freedom that comes when you get on the other side of something difficult? How about when you're hiking and going up that hill is exhausting, but then you get to the top and the view takes your breath away. OR maybe you are exercising, and like me you want to quit about a quarter of the way through. But you keep going and when you finish you are so full of energy and joy and confidence, and you don't feel guilty about having that ice cream earlier. I know that these are trivial examples, but the principles are the same in our trials and struggles of life: our fires. Losing my son was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. I prayed so many nights that I could just go on to Heaven. I didn't want to feel that way anymore. But I learned to trust in the Lord, each moment and I learned that "even if God does not rescue me" (Dan. 3:18) that God was still God and I had a reason to worship Him. I learned the incredible experience of allowing God to use a fire in my life, and every fire after that, to burn off the ties, ropes, burdens, sorrows, guilt, shame, hopelessness, frustrations, fears and anything else that had me bound. 

I was asked just the other day, 'how can things go from thunderstorm after thunderstorm, to things are great and wonderful and joyful?' The answer is simply, Jesus. By His grace and compassion, and the people that took me by the hand and led me to His feet. Jesus burned off the binding ties around my heart and set me free so that I could see the full and abundant life that He longs to give me, even in the midst of pain and struggle. What has you bound today? What has you so trapped in your struggles that you can't find the One who is walking right beside you through your fire? Pray and ask God to soften your heart and to reveal these things to you. Humble yourself and allow Him to set you free! I am praying for you today!