what i've learned in a year

one year. 365 days since the worst day of my life. it's almost unbelievable. i will never be able to understand how time goes so fast and yet so slow, all at the same time. some days feel like they will never end, but then here i am standing here looking over the last YEAR of my life, feeling so helpless because it can't have been a year yet! Kristopher's "angel" birthday was monday. i've been so nervous about this day for a month. thursday and friday were difficult. i was at work and trying my best, not too successful, to handle the waging war within me. and saturday night was my hardest. i crawled into bed and i wept for a long time and justin and i stayed up very late talking about everything that we were and have been going through. sunday, i spent the whole day pretty much numb. i didn't linger around any one person or conversation for too long. i was scared to let myself feel or think anything because i wanted to appear normal in front of everyone around me. but inside, i was really wanting to scream. the hardest part of grief, for me, is having to live a "normal" life when there is absolutely nothing inside of you that feels normal. sunday night, i told stephen that the next day was kristopher's birthday of when he went to heaven. he got a little upset and told me that he wanted him to come play with his toys. so we talked for a while. i could have avoided the subject, but i wanted him to be a part of the day with me. he is his big brother, and i felt like he deserved to celebrate too. that night, during our bedtime prayers, stephen spoke the most beautiful prayer that i think i've ever heard. sometimes he sounds so mature for his age and he understands things on a level that i have a hard time accepting. i am so thankful that God is working in his life as well, because he teaches me so many things about my own faith. i love every bit of that ball of energy.

monday morning, i woke up at 4:21. kristopher was born at 4:35. i smiled as i thanked God for waking me up to remember him at that time. after i finally woke up and got going, i had a surprisingly good day. it went much better than i had ever expected it to. and i'm glad that i had been so emotional the few days before because i feel like it freed my soul to have a pleasant day on monday. i've spent the last three days going through all of the cards that i received over the last year. i still love reading them all. along with all the gifts i received in memory of kristopher. my heart is so full of love. we went and had lunch, and stephen got a special cookie to celebrate his baby brother's birthday. then that night, justin and i went out on a date to dinner and a movie. it was so refreshing to have some time alone, to just be quiet, and be together, and reflect. i am beyond thankful for this husband of mine. he is so special in so many ways. i love him deeply. more than i could have ever imagined. i went to bed monday night feeling peaceful and hopeful and thankful. i'm thankful that i have an extra reason to celebrate in august. and every year is just one more year closer to getting to see not only kristopher again, but also, my Lord. I am so excited.


so what have i learned in a year?

i have learned that grief is a process. every little moment, or milestone is a loss. and i have to grieve every single one of those losses. they are not just lumped into one big loss. they are individual and different and each one affects me a different way. for example, stephen is starting school this year. albeit, it's pre-k, and not kindergarden because he has a november birthday, it's still a huge milestone for us. he has been at home with me since he was born, minus the last few months that he has been with my mom while i work a few days a week. i was expecting to have a baby to keep my company and help me cope with him going to school this year, and i don't. that's a milestone that has hurt me when i didn't realize it would. something that i have to grieve before i can let go of it. milestones come up and i don't see them coming until they are here, and then wham. it's all part of grief.

i have learned that there is no right or wrong, no formula, no how to on grief. it is as individual as the person themselves. i can't look at how someone else has grieved and judge my grief based on them, and vice versa. i have learned that my grief is mine. and nobody can or should tell me how i should grieve, or when i should be done.
  i have learned that i am not alone in my grief. there are many many other people in the world that are experiencing, or have experienced the same grief. though each situation is different and individual, the pain of grief is the same. and there is some solace in knowing that you are not alone, even though at times the isolation you feel is choking.


i have learned that it's ok to be honest with myself. i shouldn't try to hide any kind of emotion. i am free to express my emotion in any way that is healthy for me and my family. in fact, i need to express my emotion to the best of my ability. expression is one of the best paths to healing.


i have learned that it's ok to be honest with people. i can't expect random strangers to know what is wrong with me at any given moment. it's ok to tell them about my situation. and if i don't, i can't get upset when they say something that might otherwise hurt me. if i haven't been honest with them, it is absurd to hold them accountable for the conversations they bring up. i have learned to be much more tolerable with other people that may or may not know about my situation. even if they know about it, they can't possibly know how i feel, and holding that expectation above their heads is completely unfair. there is a lot of freedom is lowering those expectations.


i have learned that people WILL move on. life does not stand still, as much as i would like it to. life goes on. people come and go, they grow, their families grow, their life changes, as does mine. even though i feel stuck in the past some days, my life is still changing. i have to go with it. it doesn't mean i have to forget. i will always remember. everyone else won't remember. it's ok. God has given this memory to me. it's personal. it's mine. i need to own it and let others live their life. because ultimately, i can't stop them. and it's unfair to want them to stop.


i have learned that grief is a journey. it's not something that ever goes away. by God's grace, your heart will heal, and you will be able to move on, but you will always be subject to those sudden small moments, fleeting as they may be, that rip open the scars and bring back all of the pain as harsh as it was in those first hours.

i have learned that i have a lot to learn. life is always full of one lesson after another. it keeps us fresh, on our toes. always looking, always seeking an answer. hopefully, always seeking the only One who can truly give us an answer.


I have learned that His strength is made perfect in our weakness. and He is worthy. oh, so worthy, of our praise, and adoration. "all of my life, in every season, You are still God, i have a reason to sing. i have a reason to worship" (desert song)

as i said earlier, i have spent the last couple of days, in the midst of getting stephen ready for school, going through many of my mementos of kristopher's life. i made a video of all of my memories. as a disclaimer, there are several pictures of kristopher in my video, so if you don't want to go there, i totally understand. but i am happy to share my memories with anyone that wants to remember with me.





thank you all for the wonderful support over the last year. i know the journey is not over for me, but i am so thankful i can look back with the perspective i have today and have hope for the future. something i never thought i would have again. God is good. so good!