the difference between soft clay and hard clay

i have found myself very down lately. just blah. do you ever have just blah days? well my entire week has been a big blah. i have been moody, irritable, angry, mean and just downright cynical. ask my husband. and unfortunately, my son. the other night, justin called to ask what we were doing for dinner and i said, "if you can pick up some hamburger meat, we can have spaghetti." and he replied, "ok, cool." well, he walked through the door and i greeted him with a scowl and a hand on my hip when i realized that he didn't have any kind of grocery bag in his hand and i knew he didn't put hamburger meat in his pocket. it turns out he heard, "if you want to do something with hamburger meat, we can do spaghetti." but i didn't take time to care what he actually heard until after i had finished yelling, and ranting and accusing him of everything he doesn't do and has ever done wrong. when in reality, it was just a mis-communication, which is SO SO easy to happen over a phone. that's just one example of how bitter i have felt this week.

a hugest, main, DING DING DING problem underneath is that i have not been faithful in my one on one time with the Lord this week. i just haven't. i have either ignored the 5:30 alarm clock, or went ahead and got up, with every intention of opening my Bible, but just didn't. i purposefully allow myself to get distracted with other things...cough cough...facebook. or, i sleep in just long enough that i don't have time to spend time in prayer before i need to help justin get off to work. and then after his lunch is ready and he is out the door, instead of sitting down by myself then, i just go back to bed and wait for stephen to wake me up. with every intention of sticking him in front of the tv when he wakes up, and then i will have time for God. once i'm not so sleepy. but even then, i just sit and watch tv with him. even though i do not think it is ok to ignore my son for something that i should have taken care of hours before he woke up. but still, i tell myself it's ok in my mind because i need to do it.

and there. that is my problem. the past few weeks i have been very good about waking up at 5:30 with my husband and we each have our own quiet times. just me and the Lord. and then we start our day. and while it has been wonderful, and i have gleaned so much heart knowledge and wisdom from what I have read and I have had many prayers answered through my conversations with Him. still, it has been more like a chore for me. knowing me for any length of time, you would understand that i do.not.like mornings. i just don't. never have, i don't think i ever will. i enjoy a lot of things about the mornings, like the quietness, the stillness, the tranquility you find early in the morning before the sun is even up. but i just downright don't like it. i would rather miss all of that for a few hours of sleep. i can stay up later than a raccoon, but i just don't do mornings well. i am a night owl through and through. so for that reason alone, getting up early to spend time with the Savior of my soul, feels like a chore.

but like i said for the last few weeks, i have pushed through. i have made myself get up and i have thoroughly enjoyed it. but this week, satan has sunk his teeth into that part of my heart and i'm having a hard time shaking him. and i know why. it's because i don't have my mighty weapons on me. i'm fighting with weapons that satan knows how to demolish. i'm fighting with my own strength, not the Lord's. i just haven't wanted to do it, even though i know i need to and i have a desire deep down. but my shallow flesh has just been digging my heels in the mud and refusing to allow myself to feel the love of my Heavenly Father.

i have been spiritually vomiting up feelings of anger and bitterness and sometimes even rage. i am mad at my circumstances, i am angry with my situation. i am bitter that i have been dealt this hand, i am raging over the fact that i am a good person, i *thought* i was on a good path, i was doing things the way that i *thought* God wanted me to do them. i *thought* he had given me this promise, but now, it didn't seem to be so. maybe He changed His mind, maybe He forgot, or maybe He had never made that promise to begin with. Maybe it was just me, in my mind, turning what I wanted into what God wanted. i don't know. but i have just been a little angry over the fact that i don't know. i don't understand. and i don't like not being in control. because not only have i lost my child, who i longed for, for so long. i prayed for him and i begged God for him, and then he gave him to me. and i just knew that God was finally fulfilling His promise. he gave me the confirmation that it was ok to have another baby one day when we were watching stephen play at chick fil a, and he was talking to another kid and the other kid just straight up ignored him, and his face was just full of heartbreak. i felt like God was telling me it was time for a little sibling... finally. before then, even though i wanted one, it wasn't time. either, justin was getting ready to deploy, or he was actually deployed and it just wasn't possible. but now, he was home. and we were a family and everything was right, and it was time. and it happened, and then God took that away. not only once, but twice. i was pregnant last august, and i miscarried in september. i thought THAT was my trial. i thought that was the valley i had to walk through. a 5 month long valley that i finally made it through when i got the positive test just 11 days before Christmas. i was so thankful that God had brought me through that valley and fulfilled his promise. and we waited very anxiously, and we celebrated more and more as each week passed, giving us more hope for a future with this little one. but we were on a mountain. and i was soaking up every ounce of my pregnancy, even through the horrific nausea and heartburn and every other uncomfort and worry that comes along with a pregnancy. i was just so happy that i had those things to make me uncomfortable because for a while i wasn't sure i was ever going to get to feel the joys of being pregnant again. and here i was, i could feel kristopher kicking and moving and rolling inside my womb and he responded to me and he made me laugh. i love being pregnant and i thanked God every single day that i He had given me that opportunity. and now, i sit more heartbroken than i ever have been. and i just don't understand. i know i wasn't perfect, but i'm never going to be. and i don't believe that God has that expectation of me. so i just don't understand what i did wrong. i have been going over and over in my mind all of the things i could have possibly done differently.

and not only that, it seems like every other thing that could happen, has happened. i mean, i just want a break. i was supposed to go on a weekend trip to the lake with the ladies from sunday school last weekend, and at the last minute, our dog jake was hit by a car, broke his leg and required surgery. and a couple other things happened and when i sought out God's advice on whether or not i should go on the trip, he flat out told me no. and i fought with Him and i argued like the brattiest teenager i've ever seen. i cried and i screamed in the shower (literally, i screamed in the shower at him). and i tried to come up with every way possible to "interpret" his answer into something that worked with my plans. i wanted to think he just said to wait a little while, and i could go later. or i wanted to think that i just didn't hear him right and everything would be fine if i just went. and i even thought about just ignoring him completely and going anyway. but no matter what i came up with, my heart was in turmoil. until the moment that i screamed at Him in the shower. i just screamed out of frustration. and it was at that moment that he wrapped His arms around me and rocked me and told me that it was ok. He told me that He understood that i was angry and he understood how much i wanted this, but that He had reasons that i couldn't understand and I just needed to trust him. and so i surrendered. and i cried. i wept until all of the confusion was gone and my heart was peaceful. it was a sweet surrender. and when i look back and think about all of that wrestling, over something as stupid as a trip to the lake, i feel so inconsiderate and childish. but see, to me, it was more than just a trip. it was something i thought that i deserved. something i had earned through all of my grief and suffering. i NEEDED that time away with friends. friends who understood me and friends that loved me. but in reality, i don't deserve anything, and i know that God is completely sufficient for me. he is my portion and he makes me whole. and he just wanted me to seek Him, instead of seeking other things and people and places to comfort me. but even with that knowledge and peace, as the weekend went on, the resentment entered. and it just added to my negativity and my plain bad attitude. even though i understood, and it turned out that i actually needed to be home, because i had to move jake from one hospital to another and he came home a day earlier than scheduled, i so desperately wanted to be at the lake. and i have a really hard time letting go of my wants and desires. i am embarrassed to say that when i want something, i generally get it. and if i don't get it, i throw a fit until i do. i did it with my mom as a kid and i even do it to my husband. of course there are times when the answer just has to be no, and i get over it, but i will always try to get what i want. i don't like that about myself, and for some reason i thought it would actually work with God this time. haha.

through all of this, the verse that talks about being clay kept coming to my mind. and i couldn't shake it. so i drug out my old Thompson Chain Reference Bible (which i love by the way and i highly recommend to anyone that desires to study in God's Word. it is a great resource. i might have to do a Bible review in a future post....hmm) and i looked up every verse that speaks of clay. and what i found was exactly what i needed. should i have expected anything different from God? :)

i know this is already long, but it's about to get longer. i got a lot of Word to show you. and it may not speak to you like it did me, and if not, that's ok. when i write it on this blog, it just helps me to write it again on my heart. but i do pray, and i know that God will, reveal something to you through these words, even if it's not the same thing he revealed to me.

Isaiah 29:13,14,16 (NLT)- "And so the Lord says, 'These people say they are mine. They honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. And their worship of me is nothing but man-made rules.  Because of this, I will once again astound these hypocrites with amazing wonders. The wisdom of the wise will pass away, and the intelligence of the intelligent will disappear.'...How foolish can you be? He is the Potter, and he is certainly greater than you, the clay! Should the created thing say of the one who made it, 'He didn’t make me?' Does a jar ever say, 'The potter who made me is stupid?'"

I have been going through the motions this week. I do feel that my heart has been 100% in all of my efforts thus far, but i know for certain that this particular week, was nothing but motions. I was following the "rules" of Christianity rather than spending time forming my relationship with my Savior, who deserves every bit of my time and more and because i long to have that communion with him. I have seen his wonders and his miracles in my own life, time and time again. and yet I am still so foolish sometimes to think that i can take care of myself better than he can. the Creator of the earth, the one who has called me by my name and knows every hair on my head, even the ones that have fallen on the floor...how dare i think that he doesn't know what's best for me?

 Isaiah 45:2-13 "This is what the Lord says: “I will go before you, Cyrus, and level the mountains. I will smash down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. God has already prepared my path. He has already crushed down every gate and bar that stands before me on my journey. I don't have to do that part. And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness—  secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name. There are treasures in this darkness I'm in! there are lessons to be learned, beauty to see, and love to embrace. sweet beautiful love to roll around in.  “And why have I called you for this work? Why did I call you by name when you did not know me? It is for the sake of Jacob my servant, Israel my chosen one.I am the Lord; there is no other God. I have equipped you for battle, though you don’t even know me,  so all the world from east to west will know there is no other God. I am the Lord, and there is no other. I create the light and make the darkness. I send good times and bad times. I, the Lord, am the one who does these things. “Open up, O heavens, and pour out your righteousness. Let the earth open wide so salvation and righteousness can sprout up together. I, the Lord, created them. Once again, I am reminded that this world is not about me. I am here to be an ambassador for Christ. and whatever I go through, whether it is good or bad it is my responsibility to bring glory to God, no matter how I feel about it. because good or bad, it all comes from God and he deserves honor and glory because he is sovereign and holy and as bad as we may think we have it, it's really nothing in comparison with what we truly deserve as filthy rotten sinners.
 What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, ‘Stop, you’re doing it wrong!’ Does the pot exclaim, ‘How clumsy can you be?’  How terrible it would be if a newborn baby said to its father, ‘Why was I born?’ or if it said to its mother, ‘Why did you make me this way?’ This is what the Lord says—the Holy One of Israel and your Creator: “Do you question what I do for my children? Do you give me orders about the work of my hands?  I am the one who made the earth and created people to live on it. With my hands I stretched out the heavens. All the stars are at my command. I will raise up Cyrus to fulfill my righteous purpose, and I will guide his actions."
There we go with the clay again. Who am I to question God's purpose or his authority. God will accomplish His purpose through me, no matter how many times I get in the way. And he is there to guide me if i will just be willing to follow Him.


Now, go get your own Bibles. Yes, set the computer down, get out of your chair, and go get your Bible. You will have to open it too. I'm going to give you more verses, because it would take me forever to write them all out.

The insignificance of man. We are compared to clay, to moths, dust, worms, grasshoppers, and grass. Anything and everything that is lowliest of the low. That's what we are compared to God.

Job 4:12-19, 25:5-6; Psalm 8:3-4; Isaiah 40:121-25; Isaiah 41:11-16

The Divine Knowledge of God. No one can fathom His understanding. Wisdom is His and ONLY He can give it. God is God and we are not. May I let Him teach me in my trials. May I learn everything I can from Him. Because my desire is to know Him and to be like Him.


Isaiah 40:26-28; Daniel 2:20-22; Ecclesiastes 11:5; Romans 11:33-36; 1 Corinthians 1:25;



More clay.


Romans 9:20-23 Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, “Why have you made me like this?” When a potter makes jars out of clay, doesn’t he have a right to use the same lump of clay to make one jar for decoration and another to throw garbage into? In the same way, even though God has the right to show his anger and his power, he is very patient with those on whom his anger falls, who are destined for destruction. 

How humbling! through all of my studying of how we are compared to clay, it all lead me to humility. We are nothing before God and that is a humbling thought. When i start to think that i know what is best for me and when i begin to falter in my trust of the Lord Almighty, i will remember that i am mere clay in His hands. and He has absolute sovereignty to do whatever he so wishes with me.

Proverbs 11:2; 1 Peter 5:5-6; James 4:10



  Jeremiah 18:2-6  “Go down to the potter’s shop, and I will speak to you there.” So I did as he told me and found the potter working at his wheel. But the jar he was making did not turn out as he had hoped, so he crushed it into a lump of clay again and started over. Then the Lord gave me this message:  “O Israel, can I not do to you as this potter has done to his clay? As the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand. Oh how He wants to reshape us! We are so marred and ugly and cracked. And He just wants to scoop us up in his mighty hands, and mold us into the perfect and beautiful vessel that He intended for us to be. Because there are treasures, sweet, precious treasures, in our plain ol jars of dirty, dusty clay! (2 Corinthians 4:7-18)

Lord, I pray that you help me accept my position as clay in your hands. I want to be soft clay. malleable clay, moldable clay. throw away all of the hard clay that has been so caked around my heart this week. you can't do anything with dry clay. I surrender my own will, my own desires and my own questions and assumptions to Your will. Mold me and make me into a servant for you, humble in spirit and truth. Lord break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I have is for your kingdom's cause. Thank you for being an almighty and powerful God who is in control of everything, because I can't do this life on my own.