i should be...

i have to be completely honest. so much of me wants to sit, all day long, and cry. some days i really would like to just stay in my bed. i don't even want to open my eyes and face the day. though it has been a little over a month since kristopher...(i have no idea what to put here. since he was born? or since he died? i dont want to have to choose), i feel like time has just stood completely still. i feel like i am still sitting in the hospital trying to process all of this. but i'm not. time has gone by, just as it always does. and even though the events of the last month are so raw, i have learned a lot about what to do with my circumstances. i have come to realize that if i do what i want to, such as lay in bed all day, i am giving satan free reign to do whatever he wants to with my soul. i have been called to this earth to be an ambassador for Christ. I am His messenger, His light, His testimony, the proof that He exists. and if i hide in my house all day, moping and groaning, i cannot fulfill that job. i cannot be the woman that God has called me to be if i focus on myself. i can't help others in need if i can't see past my own pain. i have realized that everybody has some kind of pain in their lives. everybody. and even though it may not "seem" as "bad" as my pain in my mind, it doesn't matter. it very well may be the worst pain THEY have ever been through. and if i hide away, i could be missing a very important opportunity to show them what Christ is doing in my life, even through the pain. it is turning out to be a very hard lesson learned. easier said than done. but on the days that i give my burden to God and let Him fight for me, i go to bed feeling so blessed and peaceful. and let me tell you something, the peace that comes from God is truly a peace that passes all understanding.(1) the Bible doesn't just say that to make us hope there is a peace like that out there somewhere. it really does exist. it's a peace that we can't even begin to understand or comprehend. i am so thankful for that peace. but...like i said...easier said than done most days.

let me first say that i truly believe grief is a blessing from God. grief is an opportunity to truly get honest with God and find out the questions you are searching for. the why's, how's, when's and what's. God wants more than anything for us to come to him for those questions. he understands our confusion, and yes, our anger. he's been there, he knows what grief is all about. but as long as we are still coming to His throne to find the answers, we can't go wrong. it's when we give up on looking to God for the answers and choose to fall into a pit of grief that we can't climb out of, that we fail to grasp the true blessing that is inside of the grief process.

satan tries to take something that is from God, such as grief and turn it into one of his tools to trap us, to build strongholds around our souls. it's not the circumstances that we battle. it's not the death of a loved one, the overwhelming illness, the financial hardships, or the unexpected adversities that we are battling against. those are all part of life. plain and simple. and life happens. sometimes we know why, and sometimes we don't. but through it all, it's not those situations at all that we fight. it's not the people that hurt us that we fight either. it's not the friend that betrays you, the spouse that hurt your feelings, the parent that isn't there, or the fellow Christian who is a hypocrite that we should be holding a grudge against. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.(2)" in all of our circumstances, trials, suffering, and tragedies, the only one that we can cast blame on is satan. he is the one that uses people, places, ideas and assumptions to invade our hearts and make us believe that someone or something else is to blame. and when he really gets his way, if we allow him to do what he wants, that blame more often than not falls on God. which is totally opposite from everything we learn in scripture. and when you realize that, the why's don't seem so important anymore. the "why has this happened" turns into "what can i do about it or how can i overcome it?"


i've come to notice a few keywords or phrases that make me realize i'm slipping into a trap. "i should be, would be, could be" are all some of them. i should be holding a baby right now, i should be complaining that i can't sleep because a baby keeps waking me up, not because i'm awake thinking about how i don't even have a baby. i should be showing my new baby off in his adorable new baby clothes at church instead of longing to hold every stranger's baby that i see. i should be shielding my fragile newborn from the dangerous rays of the sun, and enjoying myself fully instead of sulking in the fact that i dont and completely missing the beauty of this moment watching my full-of-life 3 year old on the beach. he would be a month old, i should be finding out how much he has grown. i could be, i should be, i would be. over and over. it's always something. and each time one of those little phrases creeps into my mind, it digs me deep. it's not ever just a passing thought or a fleeting memory. it's a sand spur that digs itself into my very soul and causes chaos in my punctured flesh. each initial thought, turns into an entire cascade of i should be's until i'm in a heap of tears on the floor, gasping for air because my life is not at all what i thought it should be or hoped it would be. and it is so easy to dwell on those things. it's so easy to welcome them in becausepart of the grieving process is grieving all the things that should have been that never will be. but God has something so much better available to us. God gives us the process of grief as a way to heal. Grief is not meant to be something that digs us deeper and deeper into a pit.

i think God designed grief as a way to seek him honestly. let's face it, how many times do we really feel comfortable asking God the tough questions. We have this fear of God that tells us if we stand up to Him at all, we may get struck by lightening. i shouldn't dare question God, because well, He is God and i'm just an ant in His world. but that's so very untrue. but that's what we think sometimes. or at least i do. and i have never met a braver and bolder person before God, than a person who is grieving. anger meets anguish and the courage is increased one hundred fold. and we aren't afraid to ask the hard questions. because we demand to know why. we want to know the truth. we're not afraid of yelling at God because it hurts. Jesus himself cried out in agony asking God if there was another way and believed that His father had left Him.(3) but if we truly approach the throne of grace with a pure heart, as someone who loves God deeply, but earnestly wants to know peace, it's amazing how hard He will fight to reveal to us exactly what we NEED. and i capitalize need, because it's not always the answer we want. but the truth He provides is always what we need.

When we understand where all bad things come from, which is satan if we need a review, it is only then that we can embrace grief for the beautiful gift that only God can give. For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine (mighty) power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension, that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.(4)  Friends, we are not left alone to fight the devil on our own! God equips us with weapons, mighty mighty weapons, to fight with. Weapons that DEMOLISH arguments, theories, speculations, reasoning, assumptions, and every evil thought. we don't have to wait around on God to do that for us. WE have that power, through His death on a cross. we don't have to let satan take those precious areas of our lives. (can you tell this is exciting me?!) we don't have to let him dictate how we react to our circumstances. because what happens when we do allow him into our lives? the Bible says that the enemy comes to steal (joy), kill (relationships) and destroy (passion). when we give him power, the moment we begin to give in to those "should be's, would be's and could be's, the deeper we let him take us down into a pit, the more we are going to take it out on those that we love. our joy will disappear, our relationships will suffer and our passion and fire for Christ will be devoured. but Jesus says, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the fullest."(5) we don't have to wail and mourn as if we had no hope. because we do. what a beautiful hope we have! our present sufferings are not WORTH comparing to the future glory that will be revealed!(6)  they aren't worth it! to dwell on our sufferings is a waste of time! if our true purpose is to serve God, to worship Him, and to further His kingdom,(7) then it really is a waste of time to dwell on our problems. which aren't really problems at all if we put it into that perspective. For in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us. He doesn't say just conquerors. He says MORE than conquerors.(8)

maybe this is a chance for me, a divine opportunity, to tell the world who Jesus is to me. because in the end, that's all that matters. it's not how many kids i have, it's not what kind of parent i am. in the end, all that is going to matter is who Jesus is in my life. and do i walk, talk and breathe to prove who He is to me. because if i'm sitting here crying because of what i don't have, that doesn't prove to you anything about the Lord. in fact, if i sit here and cry because of what i don't have, am i not saying that Jesus really isn't who i have said He is. if i can't depend on Him in my own tragedy, how can i help someone else in need? i'm not just here preaching these things because it's what the Bible tells me to do, i'm here able to say all of this because i am living it. every moment of every day. i am the Lord's testimony. and it is my honor to be able to share the God of the universe, who knows my name, who loves me for who i am, who died for me, so that i might live throughout eternity with Him....and with my baby.

We are in battle people. everyday, a fierce battle. and if you don't realize that, if you can't feel that battle within your soul, then chances are, you are fighting for the wrong team. just sayin. if satan can keep us out of the truth, if he can keep us in that pit of should be's, and keep us believing that we have nothing to fight for, that we aren't worth it, then he will continue to keep us deceived. we will forever be trapped in those strongholds that he has placed around us. get in the Word. scripture is God's most powerful weapon against satan and we have it at our fingertips. if you were a soldier in afghanistan, you wouldn't dare go out on a mission without your gun. why would we as a Christian even think about going out into the world....work, school, marriage, parenthood....our battlefields, without our most valuable weapon? do not be deceived into thinking that you can do this on your own. don't think for one second that you are immune to the attacks of the evil forces of this world. Jesus himself battled satan and if he was brave enough to approach God himself, you better believe he's going to head after you. it's not easy. there is nothing easy about being a Christian, and easy is what you signed up for, then you're in for a surprise. there was nothing easy about the betrayal, the lies, the accusations, the ridicule, the beatings and ultimately his death on that cross, but he did it. he did it for you. and for me.  that in itself is worthy enough for me to fight to my death against satan. and just because i fight doesn't mean i will always win. i will fail, and i will slip and let one foot fall into a pit every now and then. heck i may even fall all the way in again at some point. but the good news is that even if i don't win today, my Lord has already won the victory. and if i fail today, tomorrow is a new day. a fresh start. i don't have to be perfect, but i have to try. the first step of success is showing up. will you show up and let God use you today?


1.) Philippians 4:73    2.) Ephesians 6:12    3.) Matthew 26:42 & Matthew 27:45      4.) 2  Corinthians 10:3-5      

5.) John 10:10        6.)Romans 8:18           7.) Matthew 22:36-40       8.) Romans 8:37

i want to say a special thank you to melanie fell, i don't know if she'll read this or not. but if you do, thank you so much for being obedient to Christ and speaking the word that he gives you. i know it's not "normal" for you to be speaking at Selah, but i know that for the past 3 weeks, you have been right where God wants you.