decompression

isn't this little guy the most adorable thing you've seen in a while? he is so special to me on so many levels. it just so happened to arrive the day after my birthday, which just made it even more perfect. but he's not just any bear. he weighs the exact amount that Kristopher weighed at birth. i know it might seem silly to some, because to be honest, it did to me at first. but when i opened the box and picked him up, i can't explain the feelings of comfort it brought. this little bear was sent to me by an organization called "Molly Bears." Bridget is a military wife who lost her baby girl at 34 weeks. She provides these bears absolutely free to families who have lost a baby. I am so thankful to her and her willingness to offer this amazing gift, so if you would like, please click here and make a donation in memory of Kristopher to help her continue to offer this service to mothers everywhere. to be able to hold something in my arms that i knew was the exact weight of my baby boy...the baby boy that i should have brought home from the hospital...it was just surreal. there have been so many times that i just long to hold an itty bitty baby, just to feel that weight in my arms, and now i can whenever i want to. i can pick up my bear and close my eyes and pretend for just a few minutes that i'm rocking my sweet sweet boy. you can call me crazy, it's ok, i'm pretty positive i am sometimes, but if you are ever walking by house and see me rocking a blue bear through the window, you will know why. :)

decompression. i actually had a chance to do that today. and it was beautiful. for those of you who don't know, i have started working again, after being at home since my almost 4 year old, Stephen was born. and since i have started working, i honestly, can't remember the last time, that i was able to be at home and remain at home all day. it seems like if i'm not working at some point during the day, i always have SOMEWHERE i have to go. a doctor's office, the grocery store, church, etc. but today, i had the day off, and i had nothing i HAD to do. well, i take that back, i had plenty i needed to do, but no where i absolutely had to be, if that makes sense. and i got some time to spend just breathing, and watching a movie with Stephen and having a sense of normalcy in our house. and i was home when Justin came home, and we had dinner, and i purposefully didn't make Stephen take a nap, so that he would go to bed early and Justin and I could have some time together in a quiet house. i am just so happy with the way today went. i never realized how much i needed these days until i don't have them often anymore!

most importantly, i had some time to grieve again. i feel like since i've gone back to work, i have put my grieving process on hold. in some ways, it has been great, because i have a reason to get up every morning, rather than just lay around the house and mope like i had been doing too much at home. i stay so busy, that i don't really have time to think about the dark cloud that seems to follow me and hover over me wherever i go. but the bad part of being busy, is that when those times do come up that slice me to the core, i can't really allow myself to feel them. i have to shove them down and move on because i'm working, and they don't pay me to sit in the bathroom and cry. even though the place i work has been so great and understanding of the times that i do need a minute to put myself together.

i have found that working with the public, certain people come in and certain comments are made that really and truly hurt. and it's not anybody's fault. i can't expect every one i come in contact with to know my story. but there are many times that i wish i had a sign on my shirt that told people what not to say at any given second. the only problem with that though, is that something that triggered a meltdown 5 mintues ago, might not even affect me 10 minutes from now. it's always changing. i can talk to a pregnant woman all day one minute, and then the next, i want to fall apart when i see a pregnant woman walk through the door. same with babies. some moms come in with their itty bitty newborn and i just ache to pick that child up and cuddle him. but then other times, i want to punch that woman in the face. how dare she bring a baby anywhere near me?! how silly of me to get angry at someone who couldn't possibly know how i'm feeling! but as silly and childish as it seems, sometimes it is very hard! sometimes certain conversations are just unbearable. "how many kids do you have?" that is still such a hard question for me. so much of me wants to say, 'well, i'm supposed to have 2.' and then it just aches within me because i have fake a smile and say, i have 1 little boy. he's almost 4. (please don't take that the wrong way. i absolutely adore my son, and if anything Kristopher's death has made me appreciate Stephen a million times over. i am in no way ungrateful for him, but i still want my Kristopher too. as much joy as Stephen brings me, my heart is still empty and aching with loss. i hope that makes sense.) and then of course there is the "are you going to have more kids?" i wish more people understood how certain questions are just not meant to be asked. yes, it's a harmless question, and of course asked with absolutely no amount of intended hurt feelings, but it's just one of those questions that you shouldn't ask. because you never know when that person you are asking is struggling with having kids. they may have been trying for years, have suffered miscarriages, or even a stillbirth, and that kind of question is just torture for someone who wants to share their good news with the world, but that good news just hasn't come yet.

but anyway, back to my point. during my decompression today, i was able and allowed to grieve. i didn't have anybody looking at me, and i didn't have to put on a face for a stranger. i allowed myself to feel everything my heart wanted to feel today, in all of it's glory, confusion, beauty and pain. i went through the stack of cards that have been gathered from my mailbox over the past 3 months. going back and reading those cards offered me a completely different sense of comfort today than when they first arrived. being in a position of looking back at where i've been, i was able to read those cards with more clarity, and more willingness to believe the words written. i again want to thank every one of you that have sent me something in the mail. all of the mail i have is such a treasure to my heart and i want you to know that i am still finding comfort in your words 3 months later. thank you, thank you, thank you.

i was able to go into Kristopher's room today. i normally don't venture in there, because at this point in my journey, his room is still sacred ground. and i don't like to go in there unless i have time to sit and dwell in there. i know it's just a room, but it's such a beautiful place in my house and love to savor it when i'm in there. it smells so heavenly of freshly dreft washed baby clothes, and my rocking chair is so comfortable and it's just so special to me. i love Kristopher's room. and until now, it has been the exact same way that i left it. there were still bags of baby items yet to be de-tagged and put away, there were still boxes of random things to be put away and organized, and then there was a big box of beautiful gifts that i have received from so many of you. and i put things away and cleared the floor of the room and shut the closet door. so now i can walk in there and it's a clean and pretty room. no boxes or bags laying around. that was a huge step for me.

i finally sat down and read a book sent to me by my dear friend, Melissa, called Tear Soup. it is such a beautifully written book and it was exactly what i needed to read on a day like today. i highly recommend that book to anyone who is grieving about any situation or for anyone who wants to know how to help someone through the process of grief. thank you, Melissa. I am so thankful that you knew my heart before i did. i love you.

and most importantly, i cried. i really haven't been able to cry recently. i have teared up, and i have fought tears, but i haven't had the moment that i could let go and let myself cry. it was such a good cry too. i cried, of course, out of grief. because i miss Kristopher. i miss him so very much. and some days it's unbearable. but today was different because i also cried for other reasons. i cried because i was able to sit and look back at the last 3 months and see the different twists and turns i have taken along the way, and i was thankful. when i thought back to the first few weeks after Kristopher died, i never ever thought i would be able to feel thankful. but today, i was. i am thankful that i am at this point in my life. i am thankful that God has walked with me every single step of the way. i am thankful that i am wiser and more mature than i was, say, 4 years ago. i am thankful that my little baby has given me such a reason to fight for this world. i am thankful that God has given me the courage to speak so highly of His name. i am thankful that i have the opportunity to help someone else. and most of all, i am thankful that i am human, and that i have the ability to feel. i am so thankful that God in his power, gave me the privilege to cry, to laugh, to hurt, to rejoice, to suffer and to love. i know i've said this before, and i know it sounds crazy, but this aching i have deep in my soul sometimes, is so beautiful and so wonderful, because it leads me to the feet of my Savior and it forces me to spend time with Him. He is my heavenly Father who draws me into His strong arms and wipes the tears from my eyes and holds me close, and at the same time, He is Almighty God, Lord and King, at whose feet i fall on my face and worship His holy name. and truly there is no other place i would rather be. and if it takes such deep pain to get me there, i am thankful that He is wise in all of His ways, because i don't want to be anywhere else right now.

"I’ve learned 

that there is something down deep within all of us 

ready to help us survive the things we think we can’t survive."

-Tear Soup

(and that something is God...)