I've been reading in the Psalms lately. The way my chronological Bible has them organized is by subject, sort of. The Psalms that are specific as to when they were written, were put in line with that story, but many of them have no specific indication of what circumstance they were written during, so the author categorized the rest. Right now, I am reading all of the Psalms of the "Troubled Soul" as they put it. I have been kind of taken aback at reading them all together. They are almost pathetic in a small way. This one in particular put a bad taste in my mouth at the time that I read it.
My first reaction when I read this, I thought to myself 'How prideful of him to speak that way of himself! What exactly am I supposed to be learning from this? Doesn't this go against everything that the Bible teaches me about loving my enemies?' In some of the psalms David is very descriptive in how he asks God to kill and demolish his enemies. 'How can this be beneficial to read in scripture?' I thought. And in many other Psalms David pleads with God to rescue him, asking "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?" (Ps 13) I was getting discouraged reading through this stuff because, frankly, that's not the stuff I really want to read about. When I go to the Bible, I want to find encouragement, stuff to make me feel good. This was so depressing and downcast. Don't I have enough of that in my life already?Vindicate me, O Lord, for I have led a blameless life; I have trusted in the Lord without wavering. Test me, O Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind; for your love is ever before me, and I walk continually in your truth. I do not sit with deceitful men, nor do I consort with hypocrites; I abhor the assembly of evildoers, and refuse to sit with the wicked. I wash my hands in innocence, and go about your altar, O Lord, proclaiming aloud your praise and telling of all your wonderful deeds. I love the house where you live, O Lord, the place where your glory dwells. Do not take away my soul along with the sinners, my life with bloodthirsty men, in whose hands are wicked schemes, whose right hands are full of bribes. But I lead a blameless life; redeem me and be merciful to me. My feet stand on level ground; in the great assembly I will praise the Lord.
But then, I came across Psalm 43:
Vindicate me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation; rescue me from deceitful and wicked men. You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy? Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell. Then will I go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp, O God, my God.
As one of the first ones I read today, I thought 'Man, I don't know if I can read through a bunch of these depressing psalms again today. I can pretty much guess how they are all going to go, 'I am righteous, they are wicked. Destroy them, God. Why have you forgotten me? Enter some sort of praise because I am supposed to praise God. Rescue me, Lord.' But, then I read the last half of Psalm 43:
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
And immediately, I had that 'just been hit by a 2x4' feeling in my heart. How many times have I prayed prayers JUST like David? How many times have I begged and pleaded that God rescue me from my situation? Or how many times have I presented my case to God, told him how I was so much more deserving than so and so or so and so? And asked why does this person prosper when they don't deserve it, and yet I do deserve it because I have done everything right. How many times have I cried out WHY, God? And how many times have I stomped my feet and said, 'This isn't fair!'? How many times have I poured self pity all over my prayers, in the midst of praise that I give with only half of my heart because I'm more concerned with my needs than how wonderful God is? And how many times has God stopped me right in the middle of those prayers of anguish and asked me, 'Why do you question me? Why do you not trust me? Have you not seen my miraculous signs in your life before? Put your hope back in me and watch what I will do.'
I finally understood why I needed to read these Psalms right now. Because I am on the exact same cycle of emotions with God as David is.
Joy, Pain, Anger, Pity, Deliverance, Humility, Pride....
I have stopped there. I haven't completed my cycle yet, and I need David to remind me of where I was, and what I've gone through, and to show me where I am now. I'm not sure why that particular Psalm spoke to me the way it did, because it's a lot like many of the other ones that he wrote. Maybe it's because I simply asked God to show me what He wanted me to glean from these scriptures. He did. He put me right back in the midst of my pain and sorrow, and helped me to understand exactly where David was coming from when he pleaded and cried all of those depressing prayers. It wasn't pride that drove him to say those things about himself or about his enemies. It was pain. Excruciating pain and sorrow. He had been driven out of his home by his own family, followers, and people that he had helped and trusted. They had betrayed him, and sought to kill him. He was alone and afraid and burdened. And broken.
Haven't I been there too? Too many times to count. I am so glad that David was so honest in his prayers, because it helps us know that 1. it's normal to have all of those emotions. Even David, the man after God's own heart, had the same rollercoaster of emotions that I have had and continue to have. And it helps us know that 2. God can handle our emotions. There is nothing that is too big for God, and He knows our hearts anyway, so we might as well be honest with him. When we are honest, at least we are communicating with him. When we aren't honest with Him, chances are we haven't even had a conversation with Him lately, and if we have, it wasn't genuine. and 3. it teaches us that everything in scripture is useful for something. We may sit and wonder, 'why in the world would God choose to put this in the Bible?' But be rest assured that there is a reason, and if you slow down to ask and really open your heart to figure out why, God will reveal to you why that particular scripture was meant to be read specifically by you, specifically at that time.
I know that emotions are not what define us as Christians. We are not supposed to base our faith on our emotions, because we know they are not stable. But we cannot deny our emotions. They come, whether we want them to or not. And I believe that God gave us our emotions. But it is what we do with our emotions that is important. Are we going to allow Satan to use our emotions against us? Slip into depression, or start drinking, or have "fits of rage", or last out at those we love the most. Or are we going to be honest and own up to what we feel? Are we truly going to seek God, even in our lowest, darkest, messiest situations that bring about the worst emotions ever? And when we truly seek God, are we going to be willing to accept whatever solution He has for us. Whether He rescues us right then, or makes us wait...are we humble enough to surrender what we want to what He knows we need? And then allow God to mold us and shape our emotions into something that will bring Him glory?
I am ready to move on to the humility and worship part of the cycle.
Where part of the cycle are you finding yourself in?
