i have 2 children...

Today was a monumental day for me. extremely.

i know i've talked about it before, but when it comes time for me to answer the question of how many kids do i have...i choke. fear grips me and grief rips my heart out at the thought of what could have been, what should have been, and what is not. and so i slink back into my pit and put on a happy face and beam about my beautiful, brilliant, strong (i don't mention lonely, but oh so strong) 4 year old little boy named Stephen. oh my gosh i love that boy so much my heart wants to jump out of my chest sometimes! but underneath that outward prideful mama bear, there is a broken heart.

i have been talking to a friend of mine that i have known for years, and just found out that she lost her baby boy at 15 weeks. we have been sharing stories and feelings and emotions and on this particular subject, she told me that she tells everybody that asks her that she has two kids. and it shocked me at first, but after i talked to her more. it just made sense. why shouldn't i? how can i expect the people around me to not forget that Kristopher was real, if i don't speak of him myself. and i have had two friends that have come to me after finding out about what i've been through and have been so sorrowful that they didn't know sooner. and i only have myself to blame for that. all of these women have helped me realize that i don't have to be afraid of what i've gone through. i don't have to be worried that i'm going to scare people off or make them feel uncomfortable. because these ladies really do care about me, and they love me. and if they don't, then i don't really need to invest that much time in them. so with all that in mind, today.... it was different. and it was beautiful.

i began a new Bible study with some women from our church. *remember me talking about how important community of like minded believers is* well, of course on the first day, you don't get through too much more than all of the introductions. everyone was talking about what type of person they were, what kind of weather they liked, and of course how many kids they have. it came my turn and after *almost* chickening out, i stated my name and that i have two children. one of them is 4, and the other one is in Heaven. and just like that, it was out. in front of a lot of other people, some i did know, but most that i didn't. and guess what?! NOBODY ran out of the room. nobody looked at me weird. nobody did anything different than love me. in an instant.

my heart was flying the rest of that morning. it was like a hundred pound weight was lifted off of my shoulders!! i felt like i could breathe for the first time in a long time. i have to add that the week before during wednesday night women's group, as we were going around the table talking about a time when God had been near us, i spoke up about the time that God was not only near me, but when He was so close that He was carrying me. for the first time, in that setting, with the group of women that i sit with every week, since september. i was all heart a thumping and hands a shaking, but when i did, the beauty of being real, and transparent was evident.

since then, i have had not one, but two opportunities to minister to two separate families who have had an infant/child loss in their family. two ladies came across my path at work, and rather than run away for fear of bursting into tears, i spoke up. and i was honest. and the ministry that happened right there in the middle of a public store, was divine.

i realize that God has not brought me through this to keep it to myself. He has not brought me through this to shrink back in fear. no that is Satan's doing. and I refuse to let him beat me down anymore. God has brought me through this so that i can share it with the world. with those that are broken and hurting and that need to KNOW that God is there, and that there is HOPE!!!

thank you, so much to the women who have been there to support me and lift me up and encourage me. most of you have no idea that you have done those things, but you have. and if i ever get a chance to tell you, i will. thank you!!

IGNITE!!!

OH HOW HE LOVES US!!!!!

i just need to start out by saying how wonderfully, awesome and amazing God is. The last time I was here posting, I was so broken and confused. And since then, God has done incredible things for me. and i can't wait to tell you about it. i can barely type right now because i just want to blurt it all out and i'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts into writing!

first of all, community is so, so important. i never understood the absolute importance of fellowship until this past year of my life. and that is fellowship with kindred spirits, might i add. i have had much community with people that are different from me, women that don't believe the same things as i do, women who want me to agree to disagree with them on certain topics. and i'm not saying that you CAN'T have community with people who are different, but fellowship with others who share your heart for the same things, is imperative!! it is in that fellowship that i have discovered some of the most valuable treasures that God has tucked away in His Word. it was in this community of women that are trying to walk the same walk as i am, that i was able to utter some of the hardest words that i never thought i would have to say. it is in this community that i've learned that it's ok to be vulnerable. it's in this community that i've learned that it's ok to be REAL. i've learned that there is a TON of healing in having a group of people who you can share your most vulnerable self with and they are there to catch you when the breath gets knocked out of you. the ladies that have become so important to me, are ladies that i don't even know outside of church, some of them. but it's ok, because we're all in this together. and we all serve the same glorious God. and it's good.

this past weekend, our church had a 24 hour worship service, beginning at 7 pm on Friday night and lasting until 7 pm Saturday night. I decided from the time I heard about it, I was going to go, and I was going to give it all i had. i was in desperate need of just some time with Jesus. little did i know just how much i needed that though. i don't think i can accurately describe what happened throughout that night, but it was just what i needed. and i can say that ever since, my perspective is changed. for the first time in a long long time, i was able to worship God without holding anything back. i was there long enough to get past the initial barrier that i always seem to put up when i go into worship. it doesn't matter how genuine i am about wanting to be there, i always have a wall up around my heart and i almost always feel somewhat skeptical. and it seems like in normal worship time during church, i just barely get to the point where i can open up my crossed arms and be free and authentic, but then it's time to sit down and listen. but that night, i was able to let go. and i praised God, simply for who He is, and what He's done. the things that He deserves to be praised for. i was able to focus on Him rather than how much my heart hurt and how much i desperately needed his help. which i still do, but i think it's very important to be able to praise God for being God, nothing more, nothing less. because even if that's all we had, if he never bestowed blessings upon us, or if he never picked us up and healed our brokenness, He would still be worthy of praise, because He IS. I was able to fully surrender to His will and not even think about my own. as i sang, and as i listened, i heard scripture. and i wrote it down. and the phrases and lyrics that stuck out in my heart, i wrote them down. i stayed there all night friday night, and then i had to leave for work at about 8 on Saturday morning. i can't describe the feeling of emptiness i had while i was away. i couldn't think about anything but how i felt in those moments and all i wanted was to go back. so i did, when i got off work. and i wasn't even tired! i was more awake that night than i am after i get 10 hours of sleep! i really can't describe what happened in that room, but i left a different person.

i just want to share what God spoke to my heart during this time. it might sound like jibber jabber, but it's just too exciting to me not to share.

You won't relent until You have it all...my heart is Yours. Come be the fire inside of me 

until You and i are one. I don't want to talk about You like You're not in the room. 

I want to look right at You, I want to see right to You. there's nothing, nothing i want more. 

i have decided, i have resolved to wait upon You Lord. 

my Rock and Redeemer shall not be moved. i'll wait on you Lord. 

Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ is coming again! 

The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace. 

The Cross before me, the world behind me. no turning back. 

till every tear is wiped away and orphans songs are turned to praise. till all is true, i'll follow You. 

till every heart knows Your name.

till all the nations sing Your praise. i have decided to follow Jesus. no turning back. 

i give my life to follow, everything i believe in. 

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. 

He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17 

As much as we sing to the Lord, even more so, He sings over us!

Psalm 24:1-6; Psalm 77:13

"Exalt the Lord your God and worship at His footstool; He is holy. Exalt the Lord our God and worship at His holy mountain, for the Lord our God is holy." Psalm 99:5&9

Isaiah 5:16; 6:3; 40:23-31;57:15

"The Lord is holy in His temple. Let all the Earth be silent before Him." Habakkuk 2:20

Rev. 4:8

I will love You enough to let go.

when did love become unmoving? when did love become unconsuming? 

forgetting what the world has told me, Father of love, You can have me. 

At the cross You beckon me, bring me gently to my knees. i am lost for words, so lost in love. sweetly broken. wholly surrendered.

i'm sorry Lord for the thing i've made it, it's all about You. 

what can i say? what can i do? but offer this heart completely to You. 

Your love is extravagant. Your friendship is intimate. spread wide in the arms of Christ. 

no greater love have i ever known. capture my heart again. 

You are holy, great and mighty! the moon and the stars declare who you are. 

forever my heart will sing of how great You are! 

Hallelujah! our God reigns! 

First I must be empty to be filled. 

Greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city! 

there are no strangers, there are no outcasts, there are no orphans of God. 

so many have fallen, but Hallelujah, there are no orphans of God!

OH HAPPY DAY!

worship=healing!!!

UNTIL THE WHOLE WORLD HEARS!

i have always loved worship. in any form or fashion. and especially through music. it just speaks to me. but i have never in my life encountered worship the way that i did that weekend. and for that, i will forever be changed. and i can't wait to do it again.

let the healing begin?

what if it's already begun....and you're just not really eager to catch up???

i never have really liked roller coasters. they make me want to vomit.

and the worst part about this one.....

i can't get off.

and maybe....

part of me doesn't really want to.

i don't know what to do with that.

i feel like, if i get off...

i might forget.

and i can't take that risk.

confusion...

overwhelming.

broken...the new series at church. "let the healing begin" was the title of this morning. we learned how we have to allow God into the brokenness, and let others know that we are broken, so that they can help us get to the point of allowing God into the brokenness. for healing.

God has done miraculous things in my life. he has brought me to a place, that 5 months ago, yes 5, i never dreamed i would be. He has healed parts of my heart that i didn't necessarily ask Him to heal. He has picked me up and spoken through me, and used me to reach others. i know that others hearts have been touched by God. they tell me. but somehow, even in the healing that has taken place, my head sees it, and my head understands it. i have encountered the God that i read about in the Bible. the God that i know, that i know, that i KNOW exists. my head has seen the miraculous things in my life. but my heart. oh my heart. my heart doesn't believe it sometimes. my heart is stuck, in the hospital room, holding my baby. my heart is stuck, on the floor, crying out to God. please help me Jesus. I can't do this without you. Jesus is helping, everyday. then why does it still hurt so bad. why can i not pick myself up off of this floor. literally. he sent angels to me today. and they carried me. but why. why do the things that i read and the things that i hear make sense in my head, but my heart refuses to listen.

i'm afraid. i dont want to listen. i don't want to let go of my broken heart. i'm fine with going throughout my day with a smile plastered on my face. everything is ok. i can pretend all day long. i can reach out to others and help them through their greatest needs. i can share Jesus to a dark and dying world. i can live with a God given purpose and do mighty things in His name. i'm fine with all that. really i am. but at the end of the day, when i crawl into bed, i long to go back to that place. to that cold sterile room, with my heart in my arms. where i could touch and feel and smell and see. that he was here, and he was real. he wasn't just a figment of my imagination. he was a part of me. he is a part of me. i never ever want to let that go. even with the ache that fills my heart with the thoughts and memories that flood my head. i need it, i crave it. i welcome the release of tears when they fall. it's like coming up out of the water and finally getting air.

sometimes i wonder. i don't think i'm very normal. to me it makes absolute and perfect sense. but i can see the looks of confused and worried faces of the kind souls reading this blog. i can feel their pity. and i can sense their pleas for the words to say. i don't remember what it was like to feel normal. i don't even know what is normal.

confusion...

overwhelming.