I wrote this that night:
after my csection, the anesthesiologist offered to give me some narcotics to help me relax, but i didn't want them. i want to feel every last drop of emotion that is going to come. i could get away from it if i wanted to, but i think that will just make it a longer process. and while it hurts, it's a beautiful form of pain. i dont know if i can describe it. it's a righteous pain, pain in the purest form. pain that is ordained by God himself. it evokes feelings and emotions that He gives us, and it's such a huge mess that He is perfectly capable of cleaning up with a holy disinfectant wipe. i don't want to miss a beat. i wonder if that is weird.
I chose God. I chose Jesus. I chose the path to healing. I chose the blood, redemption, grace and LOVE. I chose forgiveness. I chose beauty. I chose to submit even when I didn't understand. I chose to embrace every bit of life I had been given. I chose to fight for my heart, which is the wellspring of my life and I chose to take the next step. I chose to keep walking, even though I wasn't sure that there was any possible way out of the despair I felt. I chose to BELIEVE. I chose to trust. And I chose to worship.
It took me a long time to really feel my choice. My head understood my choice a lot sooner than my heart did. I knew all the right answers and the scriptures to back them up. But when I was alone, I questioned and doubted and faltered. I stood on wobbly knees, and I knelt on tear stained floors. The narrow path was not a pretty one. Not in the beginning at least. There weren't any pretty flowers along the road nor were there any nice spots for a picnic. It was dark and scary and lonely. But, when I really focused on where I was going, and quit looking for the flowers and the picnic benches, I saw a light. A tiny light at first. Just a speck, a hint of light that told me to keep walking. That there was something I needed to discover. Just keep your eyes on the speck of light and keep pressing on through the dark.
And slowly, ever so subtly, I would catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of a bright and colorful flower. I would smile and almost reach down to pick it up, but would notice the humongous weeds that surrounded its bloom and shrink away in fear. Nothing good can come out of this. Who was I kidding? And then someone dear would remind me of that tiny light again and would remind me to just stay focused. Many times this would happen. Look, there is a flower, but yeah you don't want to touch it. It's probably poisonous anyway. But as I walked forward, the light grew bigger, and the flowers grew more often. I eventually began to pick them up. I tucked them in my heart and kept them close for safe keeping. Until I could see flowers everywhere. When I quit searching for them in all the wrong places, and set my sight on all things above. The were there, all around me. All different colors. And then one day, the light burst forth...
...and I found a picnic bench.
On November 8, 2010, I wrote this:
i feel like God is calling me to do something big. i'm not exactly sure what it is yet. but i know it's something.
On November 14, 2012, the Lord spoke into my sorrow, called me by name, and invited me in to see what He had been planning for me all along. He took me by the hand, and pulled me to my feet, when I wasn't sure I could remember how to stand. He said to me, "Come, there are people that I need you to meet. They are on the other side of the world. I love them, and they are mine, but they don't know who I am. I need you to tell them. I WANT you to tell them. I want to give you this opportunity to join me in a miraculous thing that you wouldn't even believe if I told you. Not many people get to experience this kind of story. Many people simply aren't listening. But you...you are following the light. You chose Me. You said yes to what I had to offer you. My child, let me show you ALL that I want to give you. Follow me."
So, I said yes. I chose to follow Jesus. The coolest thing though, besides the whole God speaking into my heart, was that I looked to my left and my dear sweet husband was standing too, going through the same journey as me. He had been suffering right beside me for 3 months, in his own ways, but God knew us. And He knew what He has wanted for us all along, and He brought us both to the exact same spot. Standing side by side in a sanctuary filled with people, committing to a world of unknown. I knew it could mean big things. I knew it would most likely be hard. The only thing I didn't know, was what it meant. Four months went by, and we prayed, "God what does this mean? What does this look like? What do you want us to do?" And then we went to East Asia.
Our world had already been rocked, but now it was being turned upside down. We both knew. This was it. This IS it. Those words that He had been whispering for so long now, "Follow Me." We understood. And we could see the wonderous light. We began to see the beginning of a beautiful tapestry that was taking shape in our hearts. Our mourning was turned to dancing. Perfect love had cast out all fear. Fear was replaced with the peace that passes understanding. And where there was sorrow, now JOY.
In June of 2013, our family will be moving to East Asia to serve for a term of 3 years among the ZZ people. We will begin with 8 weeks of training in the states and by the end of June, we will be loaded on a plane, one of those big ones, all 3 of us with 6 large suitcases. We will be following the Lord, because He is already there. He has been planning every single step of mine since the day I was conceived, no before that, and so far He has done a pretty good job. I can look back on the last 2 years of my life and see that no, it has not been pretty nor easy, but it has brought glory to my Savior, and continues to do so. And for that, I have no complaints. I only have one request. "Lord, lead me."
So tonight, as I recall that lonely night in the hospital 2 years ago, I thank God for helping me make the right choice. And to my sweet baby boy, Kristopher: Happy 2nd Birthday, dear heart. My time with you was oh so short, but, my stars, how precious it was. And I hope that Jesus has you on his lap at this very moment and is telling you the story of your mama, and daddy and your big brother who loves you to the moon and back. and I know He is telling you how much He loves us both. If you had never come and gone, I may have never known what it is to make that choice. To choose faith, even when I couldn't see. I don't know that I would have ever seen that teensy flickering light. You have made such an impact in this world that you never got to see, smell, taste, or touch. You did hear it, of this I am sure. Sometimes I can still feel you kicking me in response to sound. I am so thankful to be your mommy. I cherish your life and on this day, every year, we celebrate the gift of you. I love you.
Lord, I thank you for such an amazing gift. Not just the gift of a child, but the gift of being able to see You in every circumstance. I thank you for your love. Because of that love, I am not consumed. Thank you for your compassion; You have NEVER failed me. Oh and your mercies, praise God, they are new. every. morning. Lord, You ARE my portion. Your plans are worth waiting for. For you are so good to me, whose hope is less than steady. Though my eyes grow weak, I will never give up seeking Your face. I wait quietly, for quiet is good. I wait for your salvation. It will come. Abundantly. This I know, for I have seen it with my own eyes.(based on Lamentations 3:22-26)
 |
| "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." Jn 9:3 |
Click HERE to see the rest of the story!
