Whatever...

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."  Philippians 4:8


I'm not sure where I got my negative perspective that rears its ugly head sometimes, but it has a way of distorting the way that I view scripture. Whenever I have read this verse in the past, my mind thinks, "okay, i can't think about bad things." One of my favorite pastors actually says it best when he talks about how, growing up in a small Baptist church, they came to church on Sundays to celebrate everything they didn't do. He jokingly points out a small flaw in many churches, and also in my case, my way of thinking. You see, as a person who grew up surrounded by the Christian faith, there were many things that I was taught NOT to do. Don't drink, don't do drugs, don't talk to boys, don't swear, don't work on Sundays, don't wear underwear with holes in it because you might get in a wreck and have to go to the hospital and what would they think seeing your worn out underwear? You get the picture. So for some reason, when I read scripture, my mind defaults to look for what does this passage tell me about what I can't do if I want to be a good Christian.


"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." 


Ok, so if something does not meet that criteria, then I can't think about it. Simple enough.


But what if there is another side to the scriptures? What if Jesus came not to limit our lives to a big list of what NOT to do, but to give a life FULL of opportunities to DO stuff? Great stuff! John 10:10 tells us Jesus came to give us a "rich and satisfying" life (NLT)! That sounds much more exciting to me!


So when I look at scripture through the eyes of a God who wants me to have a full, abundant, rich and satisfying life, I see all the things that I CAN do! 


"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."


Look at all of those things that I CAN think about! And really, truth be known, it's not that I can think about those things, God actually instructs me to think about those things. And it is an excellent model to use when those creepy crawly little thoughts come weaseling their way into your mind. Paul encourages us to "take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). And this is a perfect way to do that.


I'm going to use my husband for an example here for a minute. Because he loves me and he will forgive me. :)


When I walk through the house and I see dirty socks laying on the floor, it is in my nature to begin grumbling about how he never picks up his dirty socks. Why can't he just take an extra few steps and put them in the hamper. Maybe this house would be cleaner if everybody picked up after themselves, blah blah blah. You know exactly what I'm talking about. But these are all negative thoughts that stem from a sock. What if we use Philippians 4:8 as a thermometer for my oh so holy thoughts.

Whatever is true...

What is the truth in this situation? My husband dropped his sock on the floor. At the moment that the sock came off of his foot and out of his hand, was he thinking about ways that he could make my blood boil? Most likely, no. He was not. Most likely, he had had a long day, and he was tired and he just wanted to get in the shower and get all the dirt from the day off of him so he could sit down with his family for supper. 

Whatever is noble...

This one can be kind of tricky. I can't think of many things in my life that are necessarily noble. What do you think of when you hear the word noble, though? Probably something along the lines of royalty, right? Honor, majesty, kingly, loyal. Do those words ring any bells for you. Our Savior is King of kings and Lord of lords. He is the most noble character there ever was. When we think about whatever is noble, we can think about Jesus. And the demons shudder at that name. I guarantee you when you speak that name over dirty socks, your heart will begin to soften. If you are having trouble finding the whatever is true in the situation, try skipping forward to noble, and then go back. It might be a little easier for you.

Whatever is right...

I can make a huge list of things that are wrong with my husband. I've already told you that my nature is negative for some reason. And throw in a little neurotic tendencies and you've got a real doozy. Sorry babe. And dirty socks can sure get me rolling on that list, but when the Word of God tells me to think about what is right, that changes a lot of things. I think about the way he takes the dog out for me, and how he sweeps and vacuums the floor way more than I do, and I think about the way he always, always makes sure the shower curtain is pulled. I think about how he calls me just to tell me that he loves me. I think about the way that he makes our little boy's face light up when he comes home. i think about the way that he holds me at night when it's cold because we are too cheap to have the heat above 68. And when I think about these things, it leads me straight into thinking about...

Whatever is pure....

In the midst of busy lives and dirty clothes and bills that don't subtract as fast as they add, and all the other bumps and bruises along the way...when I stop and think about all the things that my husband does right, I begin to think about how we share a love in the purest form. A love, that is covered with the blood of Christ. A marriage, that has been transformed and redeemed by a merciful and gracious Savior. A bond that cannot be broken by any mortal man nor the evil forces that bring up dirty socks when the mind is tired and weak. I think about two lives that are imperfect and stained and worthless, but when held up to the light of Jesus, we are two vessels that shine brilliantly in the shadow of His glory. There is nothing more pure than the way that Jesus loves us. 

Whatever is lovely...

Dirty socks may not be lovely. In fact, there are lots of things about life that aren't lovely. But there are a lot of things that are lovely. Because God created them, and that makes them lovely. Even a dirty sock, when looked at with the right perspective, can be lovely. Thank you Jesus that we have socks to throw on the floor. Thank you God that you keep our feet warm and soft. And if I have to pick up a million socks in my lifetime, I am thankful, because they are lovely, because you provide for our needs. My husband is lovely. He is a lovely creature. His eyes are clear as glass and blue as the sky. He is handsome and strong and he takes care of us. He is a lovely man, with lovely socks. ;)

Whatever is admirable...

My husband has many, many admirable qualities. He is fiercely loyal, he is humble, he is honest as the day is long, he is gracious and forgiving and compassionate. He loves the Lord with his whole heart. If that isn't admirable, I don't know what is. 

If anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things.

By the time you get to this point, you might as well turn on the Chris Tomlin music and lift those hands. If I were guessing, you'll be at this point way before you make it through all the whatevers. Now that I have used God's word in the face of the enemy dirty socks, I am able to look at my husband with love, not disdain. Because how many times have I done something that bugs the tar out of him? Plenty. And how many times has he shown grace for my flaws? More than I want to admit. And this reminds me that I love him, dirty socks and all, and once again, my heavenly Father has shown me how to look at life with the mind of Christ. 

""Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--THINK about such things." 

It's not about what I can't think about, It's about what I CAN think about! I know it's a simple thought, but for me, it was a revelation. I am praying that it touches someone else out there also. 

if the room is dark....

"Christians are supposed to influence the world. 

No matter how dark it is, 

the darkness doesn't have the power to put out the light of even one candle. 

(light a candle in a dark room and see 

if you can get the darkness to overcome the soft glow of that candle.)

the darkness doesn't put out the light, the light fails. 

when you walk into a room, turn on the light and the bulb blows, 

you don't turn around and say, 'the darkness has killed another one!' 

you say, 'the light bulb blew!'

if the room is dark, it's not a victory of the darkness, it's a failure of the light. 

if your office, home, neighborhood is dark, it's a failure of the light that you are supposed to be. 

you may be in the office you are in because there are lost sheep that the shepherd wants to find. 

'But I'm not happy. Things aren't going the way I want them to.' 

Who cares?! 

It's not about you! 

It's about JESUS 

and the people that He died to save. 

Maybe,

we're not happy 

because we're not fulfilling the purpose that God has put us there for. 

Maybe 

we're not happy 

because we are seeking happiness 

rather than God."

-excerpt from Kairos "A Life Well Lived, Part 11" by Mike Glenn

what i've learned in a year

one year. 365 days since the worst day of my life. it's almost unbelievable. i will never be able to understand how time goes so fast and yet so slow, all at the same time. some days feel like they will never end, but then here i am standing here looking over the last YEAR of my life, feeling so helpless because it can't have been a year yet! Kristopher's "angel" birthday was monday. i've been so nervous about this day for a month. thursday and friday were difficult. i was at work and trying my best, not too successful, to handle the waging war within me. and saturday night was my hardest. i crawled into bed and i wept for a long time and justin and i stayed up very late talking about everything that we were and have been going through. sunday, i spent the whole day pretty much numb. i didn't linger around any one person or conversation for too long. i was scared to let myself feel or think anything because i wanted to appear normal in front of everyone around me. but inside, i was really wanting to scream. the hardest part of grief, for me, is having to live a "normal" life when there is absolutely nothing inside of you that feels normal. sunday night, i told stephen that the next day was kristopher's birthday of when he went to heaven. he got a little upset and told me that he wanted him to come play with his toys. so we talked for a while. i could have avoided the subject, but i wanted him to be a part of the day with me. he is his big brother, and i felt like he deserved to celebrate too. that night, during our bedtime prayers, stephen spoke the most beautiful prayer that i think i've ever heard. sometimes he sounds so mature for his age and he understands things on a level that i have a hard time accepting. i am so thankful that God is working in his life as well, because he teaches me so many things about my own faith. i love every bit of that ball of energy.

monday morning, i woke up at 4:21. kristopher was born at 4:35. i smiled as i thanked God for waking me up to remember him at that time. after i finally woke up and got going, i had a surprisingly good day. it went much better than i had ever expected it to. and i'm glad that i had been so emotional the few days before because i feel like it freed my soul to have a pleasant day on monday. i've spent the last three days going through all of the cards that i received over the last year. i still love reading them all. along with all the gifts i received in memory of kristopher. my heart is so full of love. we went and had lunch, and stephen got a special cookie to celebrate his baby brother's birthday. then that night, justin and i went out on a date to dinner and a movie. it was so refreshing to have some time alone, to just be quiet, and be together, and reflect. i am beyond thankful for this husband of mine. he is so special in so many ways. i love him deeply. more than i could have ever imagined. i went to bed monday night feeling peaceful and hopeful and thankful. i'm thankful that i have an extra reason to celebrate in august. and every year is just one more year closer to getting to see not only kristopher again, but also, my Lord. I am so excited.


so what have i learned in a year?

i have learned that grief is a process. every little moment, or milestone is a loss. and i have to grieve every single one of those losses. they are not just lumped into one big loss. they are individual and different and each one affects me a different way. for example, stephen is starting school this year. albeit, it's pre-k, and not kindergarden because he has a november birthday, it's still a huge milestone for us. he has been at home with me since he was born, minus the last few months that he has been with my mom while i work a few days a week. i was expecting to have a baby to keep my company and help me cope with him going to school this year, and i don't. that's a milestone that has hurt me when i didn't realize it would. something that i have to grieve before i can let go of it. milestones come up and i don't see them coming until they are here, and then wham. it's all part of grief.

i have learned that there is no right or wrong, no formula, no how to on grief. it is as individual as the person themselves. i can't look at how someone else has grieved and judge my grief based on them, and vice versa. i have learned that my grief is mine. and nobody can or should tell me how i should grieve, or when i should be done.
  i have learned that i am not alone in my grief. there are many many other people in the world that are experiencing, or have experienced the same grief. though each situation is different and individual, the pain of grief is the same. and there is some solace in knowing that you are not alone, even though at times the isolation you feel is choking.


i have learned that it's ok to be honest with myself. i shouldn't try to hide any kind of emotion. i am free to express my emotion in any way that is healthy for me and my family. in fact, i need to express my emotion to the best of my ability. expression is one of the best paths to healing.


i have learned that it's ok to be honest with people. i can't expect random strangers to know what is wrong with me at any given moment. it's ok to tell them about my situation. and if i don't, i can't get upset when they say something that might otherwise hurt me. if i haven't been honest with them, it is absurd to hold them accountable for the conversations they bring up. i have learned to be much more tolerable with other people that may or may not know about my situation. even if they know about it, they can't possibly know how i feel, and holding that expectation above their heads is completely unfair. there is a lot of freedom is lowering those expectations.


i have learned that people WILL move on. life does not stand still, as much as i would like it to. life goes on. people come and go, they grow, their families grow, their life changes, as does mine. even though i feel stuck in the past some days, my life is still changing. i have to go with it. it doesn't mean i have to forget. i will always remember. everyone else won't remember. it's ok. God has given this memory to me. it's personal. it's mine. i need to own it and let others live their life. because ultimately, i can't stop them. and it's unfair to want them to stop.


i have learned that grief is a journey. it's not something that ever goes away. by God's grace, your heart will heal, and you will be able to move on, but you will always be subject to those sudden small moments, fleeting as they may be, that rip open the scars and bring back all of the pain as harsh as it was in those first hours.

i have learned that i have a lot to learn. life is always full of one lesson after another. it keeps us fresh, on our toes. always looking, always seeking an answer. hopefully, always seeking the only One who can truly give us an answer.


I have learned that His strength is made perfect in our weakness. and He is worthy. oh, so worthy, of our praise, and adoration. "all of my life, in every season, You are still God, i have a reason to sing. i have a reason to worship" (desert song)

as i said earlier, i have spent the last couple of days, in the midst of getting stephen ready for school, going through many of my mementos of kristopher's life. i made a video of all of my memories. as a disclaimer, there are several pictures of kristopher in my video, so if you don't want to go there, i totally understand. but i am happy to share my memories with anyone that wants to remember with me.





thank you all for the wonderful support over the last year. i know the journey is not over for me, but i am so thankful i can look back with the perspective i have today and have hope for the future. something i never thought i would have again. God is good. so good!