thankful

i have spent the last few weeks feeling sort of uncertain, if you will. i know that holidays are usually a rough time for people who have suffered a great loss in their life. and with thanksgiving, and Christmas just around the corner, i began to get nervous about how i was going to feel. i have to say that in all honesty, the weeks leading up to today were eerily calm. i wasn't sad about the upcoming holidays, i wasn't afraid of my emotions, and i wasn't really feeling that much of anything. and so i began to think that i might just be alright and make it through this season without too much peril.

but then i got in the car this morning to go to the grocery store. by myself. and satan tried to slice me. i don't even know where it came from, but the devil never ever fails to try and kick my feet out from under me when i'm alone. so i was in my car thinking about how i should be carrying my little man around wearing a little bib that said "baby's first thanksgiving." actually i still have one that was supposed to be stephen's but he never got to wear it because he was a little bit late. but before i allowed myself to slip even a toe into that pit of self-pity, i put a halt to it. i said no, i will not do this to myself. today is thanksgiving. i will give thanks. and i did.

because the truth is, i have an incredible abundance of things to be thankful for. i am thankful that i have a family that loves and supports me. a husband that chooses me, over and over again, every single day. i am thankful that i have food on my table, and a roof over my head. a bed to sleep in and soft covers to keep me warm. i am thankful that i have shoes and clothes and, in reality, anything that i need or even want, really. i may not always have the cash, but i have a way to walk to the store and buy anything i might ever want. and i know that it's cheesy to be thankful for those things, it's what everybody always lists at the beginning of their "count your blessings" list. but for real. this year more than any other year of my life, i have realized just how truly fortunate i am to have all of those things. because there are more people in this world that don't have those things than there are people that do. that is a sad thought. and we don't even think twice about it. we think it's corny to be thankful for those things because those are just things that everybody is entitled to, right? they may be entitled to those things, but that does not mean they have them. not even close.


i am thankful for my son. i used to be so aggravated that stephen's birthday was right around thanksgiving. life is busy and people are always out of town and it's just hard to get a birthday party together when it's right before or after, or even on thanksgiving. but i never dreamed that the fact that his birthday is near thanksgiving would be so significant for me this year. as i round this holiday and head full fledged into christmas mode, i am forced to stop and celebrate the precious life of my sweet stephen. in the hustle and bustle of this time of year, i am reminded of the day that he entered this world, all 7 lbs and 1/2 an ounce of him. and i am abundantly giving thanks for his presence in my life this year. he is my crown and my joy and i had no idea that it was possible, i couldn't even fathom, how much i could love another person in this world as much as i love him. God knew, in all of his wisdom, that this particular year, i was going to need a reason to be thankful on this thanksgiving, and he gave me the greatest blessing anyone can ask for. i have a reason to celebrate and be thankful. because stephen is here, and he is very much alive, and very much a huge part of my life. and i love him so, so much more than i ever thought possible.

i am thankful, so thankful, that God chose me to bring sweet Kristopher into this world. he chose me to nourish him, and help him grow, and he chose me to deliver him to heaven. i am so thankful to be a mommy to 2 wonderful boys. i am so thankful that Kristopher is so happy where he is, and that he would so much rather be there, than here wearing a stupid big with a silly looking turkey on it, waiting on me to feed him. i am thankful that God is so wise, and that He knows exactly what He's doing and that His timing is absolutely perfect. i am thankful that Kristopher is in heaven watching over his two little siblings who we never got a chance to meet. and i am thankful that my heart is big enough to hold the love for all of them. i am thankful that i can feel, that i can ache and hurt, because if i couldn't feel those, i would never be able to feel the beauty of healing.

i am thankful for Jesus. without Him, my life is worthless. i choose to be thankful. because when remind myself of all i have to be thankful for, it ends up not even being a choice. :)