memories

“As memory may be a paradise from which we cannot be driven, 

it may also be a hell from which we cannot escape.”

why are memories so hard? memories are such a beautiful gift of God, truly, but such a bittersweet thing to do to look back on memories. memories are supposed to help you. you hold on to memories so tight and you never want to let them go. especially if a memory is all you have to hold onto. oh, but in the wake of your pain, when you just long to remember, and you dig up those old files in your brain, and you browse through the pictures, the piercing knife in your heart, that never really goes away, just gets deeper and cuts through yet another layer of tender and raw material.

i love pictures. i adore them. and anybody that knows me, knows that. people in my life, like my husband for example, get so frustrated with me because i'm always taking pictures. and to him, it seems like silly stuff. he hates pictures and he doesn't understand what those pictures mean to me. i have thousands, literally thousands of pictures of stephen, but i still get mad at myself for not taking more. there are months, particularly in august, that i didn't take any pictures at all. i have nothing to document that season in my life. whether something is good or bad, i want to remember it. i can't escape from my memories. i don't want to. in fact, i feel sometimes, like if i blink too long, that i will forget everything. pictures are so important to me because they help me remember. they help me remember people, and what they were like, and how i felt when i was around them, and how i felt during a particular time in my life. and i love looking back at them. love it. but sometimes, even though they may be happy memories, it still hurts to look at the pictures. 

"i don't know if today was harder than yesterday, but it was definitely on a different level. in many ways, life had to go on, and that was hard in and of itself. part of me wants time to freeze so that i can live in this moment and feel the pain. after my csection, the anesthesiologist offered to give me some narcotics to help me relax, but i didn't want them. i want to feel every last drop of pain that is going to come. i could get away from it if i wanted to, but i think that will just make it a longer process. and while it hurts, it's a beautiful form of pain. i dont know if i can describe it. it's a righteous pain, pain in the purest form. pain that is ordained by God himself. it evokes feelings and emotions that He gives us, and it's such a huge mess that He is perfectly capable of cleaning up with a holy disinfectant wipe. i don't want to miss a beat. i wonder if that is weird."

i wrote that on august 3rd, at midnight. 2 days after i found out that kristopher was no longer living. i was describing my second day without him. and i just felt so lost and so afraid that i was going to miss something. and i still, rounding the corner to 2 months later, feel the same way. i am so afraid that i'm going to wake up one morning and not be able to remember. nothing in particular, but everything. i don't ever want to forget a single moment of that first night, or the next day, or the next month. i want to remember every emotion that i went through and i want to remember every tear that i cried. i just do. i never want to forget kristopher's little face. that was my little boy. he was real, and he existed. even if it never was outside of my womb, he was very.much.alive! and sometimes i want to scream out loud. because i feel like the whole world has forgotten that i had a baby. i don't have a pregnant stomach anymore, i'm just fat. really fat. and i have no baby to carry around and give me an excuse for being fat. i didn't care how fat i was after stephen because i had this wonderful little bundle to show the world what i got in return for the huge clothes. but i don't have that this time. i don't have stories to tell about kristopher, except for stories that no one in their right mind wants to hear. but it's all i have, and i so want to talk about him. i caught myself a while ago, talking about my kids. plural. i was talking with another mom in the nursery at church and i mentioned something about my kids. and she asked, oh how many kids do you have? because most people have obviously only seen stephen. and i hadn't even realized that i had said kids in the plural. and my heart froze and i had to swallow the fact and say outloud that i only have one child. because no matter how badly i want to, i can't go around telling everybody that 'well, i should have 2, but one of them died before i even got to hear him cry.' not unless i want to constantly freak people out and have them walk on shells around me. 

that's not what i want. i don't ever want people to think they have to watch what they say around me for fear of me flying off my handle. i do pretty good at holding my composure even if something affects me. i wait until i get home and i let it out then. but i don't ever want to make someone else feel like they can't be who they are in front of me. because that would make me feel "different." and even though i am different, i'm also not. there are thousands of women that have been through exactly what i've been through, and we will never be the same, but we don't have to feel outcast by what we've been through.

so back to the memories. sorry, i got way side tracked. i long for more memories of kristopher. i wish i had taken more pictures. as uncomfortable as it was at the time, i just wish i had more to look at. i really wish i had taken a picture of he and i as i held him in the funeral home. i don't know why i didn't. that was the last time i got to hold him here on earth and i wish i had a picture. and not just kristopher, i wish i had more pictures of everybody i miss in my life. i love going to Mike's facebook and looking at all of his pictures. he had a very pretty smile and it just radiated from within on his face. you could tell that he wasn't just smiling to be smiling, but he was truly full of joy. he loved his life and he loved his family. i didn't get to spend a lot of time with him, but i did get to spend some, and i barely took pictures those few times. i had every chance in the world to snap a picture, and he would have been one that actually didn't care. i think he liked pictures as much as i do. so there's no reason why i shouldn't have. but i just never thought that there wouldn't be a next time to take pictures with him. but luckily, he was a man after my own heart when it came to pictures of himself. justin makes fun of me ALL the time because i'm constantly taking pictures of myself with my camera or with my cell phone. but i hope that when i'm gone, my son has all the pictures that he wants of his mom. especially when she was young. haha. because in truth, it's not for you that you take pictures of yourself. it's for the legacy that you leave behind. for your children, and your grandchildren, and your great grandchildren. i just got done doing an ancestry search, and do you know how cool it was to find a picture of a great great great grandparent? it's so cool. so that's why i take pictures of myself, it's not because i'm conceited and just want to see myself. if no one else is going to take pictures of me, i have to do it myself. i think it's very important. because no matter what, there is always going to come a time when a picture is all that you have. and as painful as it was taking that picture, because you think you are fat, or you are tired of smiling, or being on the camera, those pictures will be very very important to someone else.

memories hurt. they can be very painful in the midst of grief. when i look at pictures of kristopher, i hurt. and when i look at pictures of mike, i ache to the core. and then i get mad. i get angry. i want to throw my computer down and jump on it until it's a pile of tiny pieces. but even in the anger, there is a tender sweetness about those pictures, and those memories. when i see pictures of my huge pregnant belly, it's a sweet reminder of all those nights lying in bed, giggling as he kicked and jabbed me. when i see pictures of mike's huge smile, it's a beautiful reminder of the life he lived, so full of grace and redemption. and even though it makes me angry sometimes now, angry because they are not here anymore, and angry because i am broken, i know i will smile again someday when i look at those pictures. when i look at my granddaddy's pictures, i can smile. it still aches deep down to my soul that he is gone and i wish i could just see him one more time. his little leathery hands that show how hard he worked his entire life, his little jet black hair that had finally begun to turn gray at 90 years old. his little smile that broke through any barriers of negativity and made your heart smile. i miss him so much, but his picture finally brings back wonderful memories and smiles to my faces. so i know that one day these memories i'm clinging to today, will be joyous. but for now i just have to deal with the pain, because it's all part of it. i am so thankful that he made us the way that he did. emotions are hard, but they are beautiful. 

 and if we didn't have winter, spring would not be as wonderful.

“God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.”

“Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, 

the things you are, 

the things you never want to lose.”

you never let go

"  I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. 

I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. 

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:   

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, 

for his compassions never fail. 

They are new every morning; 

great is your faithfulness. 

I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; 

therefore I will wait for him.' 

The Lord is good to those who depend on him, 

to those who search for him. 

So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord. 

 It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.  

Let them sit alone in silence beneath the Lord’s demands. 

Let them lie face down in the dust, for there may be hope at last. 

Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them and accept the insults of their enemies. 

For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. 

Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. 

For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow." 

Lamentations 3:19-33 (NIV & NLT)

God is good. His sweet tender words never fail to be exactly what i need,

right where i am. 

thank you for all the prayers.

i know someone is lifting them up for me because i can feel them. 

thank you so very much.

and please,

don't stop.

  
-m  

this is the song that was in my heart when i woke up yesterday. 

i sang it from the moment i woke up until i got to church. 

i love it.

the difference between soft clay and hard clay

i have found myself very down lately. just blah. do you ever have just blah days? well my entire week has been a big blah. i have been moody, irritable, angry, mean and just downright cynical. ask my husband. and unfortunately, my son. the other night, justin called to ask what we were doing for dinner and i said, "if you can pick up some hamburger meat, we can have spaghetti." and he replied, "ok, cool." well, he walked through the door and i greeted him with a scowl and a hand on my hip when i realized that he didn't have any kind of grocery bag in his hand and i knew he didn't put hamburger meat in his pocket. it turns out he heard, "if you want to do something with hamburger meat, we can do spaghetti." but i didn't take time to care what he actually heard until after i had finished yelling, and ranting and accusing him of everything he doesn't do and has ever done wrong. when in reality, it was just a mis-communication, which is SO SO easy to happen over a phone. that's just one example of how bitter i have felt this week.

a hugest, main, DING DING DING problem underneath is that i have not been faithful in my one on one time with the Lord this week. i just haven't. i have either ignored the 5:30 alarm clock, or went ahead and got up, with every intention of opening my Bible, but just didn't. i purposefully allow myself to get distracted with other things...cough cough...facebook. or, i sleep in just long enough that i don't have time to spend time in prayer before i need to help justin get off to work. and then after his lunch is ready and he is out the door, instead of sitting down by myself then, i just go back to bed and wait for stephen to wake me up. with every intention of sticking him in front of the tv when he wakes up, and then i will have time for God. once i'm not so sleepy. but even then, i just sit and watch tv with him. even though i do not think it is ok to ignore my son for something that i should have taken care of hours before he woke up. but still, i tell myself it's ok in my mind because i need to do it.

and there. that is my problem. the past few weeks i have been very good about waking up at 5:30 with my husband and we each have our own quiet times. just me and the Lord. and then we start our day. and while it has been wonderful, and i have gleaned so much heart knowledge and wisdom from what I have read and I have had many prayers answered through my conversations with Him. still, it has been more like a chore for me. knowing me for any length of time, you would understand that i do.not.like mornings. i just don't. never have, i don't think i ever will. i enjoy a lot of things about the mornings, like the quietness, the stillness, the tranquility you find early in the morning before the sun is even up. but i just downright don't like it. i would rather miss all of that for a few hours of sleep. i can stay up later than a raccoon, but i just don't do mornings well. i am a night owl through and through. so for that reason alone, getting up early to spend time with the Savior of my soul, feels like a chore.

but like i said for the last few weeks, i have pushed through. i have made myself get up and i have thoroughly enjoyed it. but this week, satan has sunk his teeth into that part of my heart and i'm having a hard time shaking him. and i know why. it's because i don't have my mighty weapons on me. i'm fighting with weapons that satan knows how to demolish. i'm fighting with my own strength, not the Lord's. i just haven't wanted to do it, even though i know i need to and i have a desire deep down. but my shallow flesh has just been digging my heels in the mud and refusing to allow myself to feel the love of my Heavenly Father.

i have been spiritually vomiting up feelings of anger and bitterness and sometimes even rage. i am mad at my circumstances, i am angry with my situation. i am bitter that i have been dealt this hand, i am raging over the fact that i am a good person, i *thought* i was on a good path, i was doing things the way that i *thought* God wanted me to do them. i *thought* he had given me this promise, but now, it didn't seem to be so. maybe He changed His mind, maybe He forgot, or maybe He had never made that promise to begin with. Maybe it was just me, in my mind, turning what I wanted into what God wanted. i don't know. but i have just been a little angry over the fact that i don't know. i don't understand. and i don't like not being in control. because not only have i lost my child, who i longed for, for so long. i prayed for him and i begged God for him, and then he gave him to me. and i just knew that God was finally fulfilling His promise. he gave me the confirmation that it was ok to have another baby one day when we were watching stephen play at chick fil a, and he was talking to another kid and the other kid just straight up ignored him, and his face was just full of heartbreak. i felt like God was telling me it was time for a little sibling... finally. before then, even though i wanted one, it wasn't time. either, justin was getting ready to deploy, or he was actually deployed and it just wasn't possible. but now, he was home. and we were a family and everything was right, and it was time. and it happened, and then God took that away. not only once, but twice. i was pregnant last august, and i miscarried in september. i thought THAT was my trial. i thought that was the valley i had to walk through. a 5 month long valley that i finally made it through when i got the positive test just 11 days before Christmas. i was so thankful that God had brought me through that valley and fulfilled his promise. and we waited very anxiously, and we celebrated more and more as each week passed, giving us more hope for a future with this little one. but we were on a mountain. and i was soaking up every ounce of my pregnancy, even through the horrific nausea and heartburn and every other uncomfort and worry that comes along with a pregnancy. i was just so happy that i had those things to make me uncomfortable because for a while i wasn't sure i was ever going to get to feel the joys of being pregnant again. and here i was, i could feel kristopher kicking and moving and rolling inside my womb and he responded to me and he made me laugh. i love being pregnant and i thanked God every single day that i He had given me that opportunity. and now, i sit more heartbroken than i ever have been. and i just don't understand. i know i wasn't perfect, but i'm never going to be. and i don't believe that God has that expectation of me. so i just don't understand what i did wrong. i have been going over and over in my mind all of the things i could have possibly done differently.

and not only that, it seems like every other thing that could happen, has happened. i mean, i just want a break. i was supposed to go on a weekend trip to the lake with the ladies from sunday school last weekend, and at the last minute, our dog jake was hit by a car, broke his leg and required surgery. and a couple other things happened and when i sought out God's advice on whether or not i should go on the trip, he flat out told me no. and i fought with Him and i argued like the brattiest teenager i've ever seen. i cried and i screamed in the shower (literally, i screamed in the shower at him). and i tried to come up with every way possible to "interpret" his answer into something that worked with my plans. i wanted to think he just said to wait a little while, and i could go later. or i wanted to think that i just didn't hear him right and everything would be fine if i just went. and i even thought about just ignoring him completely and going anyway. but no matter what i came up with, my heart was in turmoil. until the moment that i screamed at Him in the shower. i just screamed out of frustration. and it was at that moment that he wrapped His arms around me and rocked me and told me that it was ok. He told me that He understood that i was angry and he understood how much i wanted this, but that He had reasons that i couldn't understand and I just needed to trust him. and so i surrendered. and i cried. i wept until all of the confusion was gone and my heart was peaceful. it was a sweet surrender. and when i look back and think about all of that wrestling, over something as stupid as a trip to the lake, i feel so inconsiderate and childish. but see, to me, it was more than just a trip. it was something i thought that i deserved. something i had earned through all of my grief and suffering. i NEEDED that time away with friends. friends who understood me and friends that loved me. but in reality, i don't deserve anything, and i know that God is completely sufficient for me. he is my portion and he makes me whole. and he just wanted me to seek Him, instead of seeking other things and people and places to comfort me. but even with that knowledge and peace, as the weekend went on, the resentment entered. and it just added to my negativity and my plain bad attitude. even though i understood, and it turned out that i actually needed to be home, because i had to move jake from one hospital to another and he came home a day earlier than scheduled, i so desperately wanted to be at the lake. and i have a really hard time letting go of my wants and desires. i am embarrassed to say that when i want something, i generally get it. and if i don't get it, i throw a fit until i do. i did it with my mom as a kid and i even do it to my husband. of course there are times when the answer just has to be no, and i get over it, but i will always try to get what i want. i don't like that about myself, and for some reason i thought it would actually work with God this time. haha.

through all of this, the verse that talks about being clay kept coming to my mind. and i couldn't shake it. so i drug out my old Thompson Chain Reference Bible (which i love by the way and i highly recommend to anyone that desires to study in God's Word. it is a great resource. i might have to do a Bible review in a future post....hmm) and i looked up every verse that speaks of clay. and what i found was exactly what i needed. should i have expected anything different from God? :)

i know this is already long, but it's about to get longer. i got a lot of Word to show you. and it may not speak to you like it did me, and if not, that's ok. when i write it on this blog, it just helps me to write it again on my heart. but i do pray, and i know that God will, reveal something to you through these words, even if it's not the same thing he revealed to me.

Isaiah 29:13,14,16 (NLT)- "And so the Lord says, 'These people say they are mine. They honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. And their worship of me is nothing but man-made rules.  Because of this, I will once again astound these hypocrites with amazing wonders. The wisdom of the wise will pass away, and the intelligence of the intelligent will disappear.'...How foolish can you be? He is the Potter, and he is certainly greater than you, the clay! Should the created thing say of the one who made it, 'He didn’t make me?' Does a jar ever say, 'The potter who made me is stupid?'"

I have been going through the motions this week. I do feel that my heart has been 100% in all of my efforts thus far, but i know for certain that this particular week, was nothing but motions. I was following the "rules" of Christianity rather than spending time forming my relationship with my Savior, who deserves every bit of my time and more and because i long to have that communion with him. I have seen his wonders and his miracles in my own life, time and time again. and yet I am still so foolish sometimes to think that i can take care of myself better than he can. the Creator of the earth, the one who has called me by my name and knows every hair on my head, even the ones that have fallen on the floor...how dare i think that he doesn't know what's best for me?

 Isaiah 45:2-13 "This is what the Lord says: “I will go before you, Cyrus, and level the mountains. I will smash down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. God has already prepared my path. He has already crushed down every gate and bar that stands before me on my journey. I don't have to do that part. And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness—  secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name. There are treasures in this darkness I'm in! there are lessons to be learned, beauty to see, and love to embrace. sweet beautiful love to roll around in.  “And why have I called you for this work? Why did I call you by name when you did not know me? It is for the sake of Jacob my servant, Israel my chosen one.I am the Lord; there is no other God. I have equipped you for battle, though you don’t even know me,  so all the world from east to west will know there is no other God. I am the Lord, and there is no other. I create the light and make the darkness. I send good times and bad times. I, the Lord, am the one who does these things. “Open up, O heavens, and pour out your righteousness. Let the earth open wide so salvation and righteousness can sprout up together. I, the Lord, created them. Once again, I am reminded that this world is not about me. I am here to be an ambassador for Christ. and whatever I go through, whether it is good or bad it is my responsibility to bring glory to God, no matter how I feel about it. because good or bad, it all comes from God and he deserves honor and glory because he is sovereign and holy and as bad as we may think we have it, it's really nothing in comparison with what we truly deserve as filthy rotten sinners.
 What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, ‘Stop, you’re doing it wrong!’ Does the pot exclaim, ‘How clumsy can you be?’  How terrible it would be if a newborn baby said to its father, ‘Why was I born?’ or if it said to its mother, ‘Why did you make me this way?’ This is what the Lord says—the Holy One of Israel and your Creator: “Do you question what I do for my children? Do you give me orders about the work of my hands?  I am the one who made the earth and created people to live on it. With my hands I stretched out the heavens. All the stars are at my command. I will raise up Cyrus to fulfill my righteous purpose, and I will guide his actions."
There we go with the clay again. Who am I to question God's purpose or his authority. God will accomplish His purpose through me, no matter how many times I get in the way. And he is there to guide me if i will just be willing to follow Him.


Now, go get your own Bibles. Yes, set the computer down, get out of your chair, and go get your Bible. You will have to open it too. I'm going to give you more verses, because it would take me forever to write them all out.

The insignificance of man. We are compared to clay, to moths, dust, worms, grasshoppers, and grass. Anything and everything that is lowliest of the low. That's what we are compared to God.

Job 4:12-19, 25:5-6; Psalm 8:3-4; Isaiah 40:121-25; Isaiah 41:11-16

The Divine Knowledge of God. No one can fathom His understanding. Wisdom is His and ONLY He can give it. God is God and we are not. May I let Him teach me in my trials. May I learn everything I can from Him. Because my desire is to know Him and to be like Him.


Isaiah 40:26-28; Daniel 2:20-22; Ecclesiastes 11:5; Romans 11:33-36; 1 Corinthians 1:25;



More clay.


Romans 9:20-23 Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, “Why have you made me like this?” When a potter makes jars out of clay, doesn’t he have a right to use the same lump of clay to make one jar for decoration and another to throw garbage into? In the same way, even though God has the right to show his anger and his power, he is very patient with those on whom his anger falls, who are destined for destruction. 

How humbling! through all of my studying of how we are compared to clay, it all lead me to humility. We are nothing before God and that is a humbling thought. When i start to think that i know what is best for me and when i begin to falter in my trust of the Lord Almighty, i will remember that i am mere clay in His hands. and He has absolute sovereignty to do whatever he so wishes with me.

Proverbs 11:2; 1 Peter 5:5-6; James 4:10



  Jeremiah 18:2-6  “Go down to the potter’s shop, and I will speak to you there.” So I did as he told me and found the potter working at his wheel. But the jar he was making did not turn out as he had hoped, so he crushed it into a lump of clay again and started over. Then the Lord gave me this message:  “O Israel, can I not do to you as this potter has done to his clay? As the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand. Oh how He wants to reshape us! We are so marred and ugly and cracked. And He just wants to scoop us up in his mighty hands, and mold us into the perfect and beautiful vessel that He intended for us to be. Because there are treasures, sweet, precious treasures, in our plain ol jars of dirty, dusty clay! (2 Corinthians 4:7-18)

Lord, I pray that you help me accept my position as clay in your hands. I want to be soft clay. malleable clay, moldable clay. throw away all of the hard clay that has been so caked around my heart this week. you can't do anything with dry clay. I surrender my own will, my own desires and my own questions and assumptions to Your will. Mold me and make me into a servant for you, humble in spirit and truth. Lord break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I have is for your kingdom's cause. Thank you for being an almighty and powerful God who is in control of everything, because I can't do this life on my own.

i should be...

i have to be completely honest. so much of me wants to sit, all day long, and cry. some days i really would like to just stay in my bed. i don't even want to open my eyes and face the day. though it has been a little over a month since kristopher...(i have no idea what to put here. since he was born? or since he died? i dont want to have to choose), i feel like time has just stood completely still. i feel like i am still sitting in the hospital trying to process all of this. but i'm not. time has gone by, just as it always does. and even though the events of the last month are so raw, i have learned a lot about what to do with my circumstances. i have come to realize that if i do what i want to, such as lay in bed all day, i am giving satan free reign to do whatever he wants to with my soul. i have been called to this earth to be an ambassador for Christ. I am His messenger, His light, His testimony, the proof that He exists. and if i hide in my house all day, moping and groaning, i cannot fulfill that job. i cannot be the woman that God has called me to be if i focus on myself. i can't help others in need if i can't see past my own pain. i have realized that everybody has some kind of pain in their lives. everybody. and even though it may not "seem" as "bad" as my pain in my mind, it doesn't matter. it very well may be the worst pain THEY have ever been through. and if i hide away, i could be missing a very important opportunity to show them what Christ is doing in my life, even through the pain. it is turning out to be a very hard lesson learned. easier said than done. but on the days that i give my burden to God and let Him fight for me, i go to bed feeling so blessed and peaceful. and let me tell you something, the peace that comes from God is truly a peace that passes all understanding.(1) the Bible doesn't just say that to make us hope there is a peace like that out there somewhere. it really does exist. it's a peace that we can't even begin to understand or comprehend. i am so thankful for that peace. but...like i said...easier said than done most days.

let me first say that i truly believe grief is a blessing from God. grief is an opportunity to truly get honest with God and find out the questions you are searching for. the why's, how's, when's and what's. God wants more than anything for us to come to him for those questions. he understands our confusion, and yes, our anger. he's been there, he knows what grief is all about. but as long as we are still coming to His throne to find the answers, we can't go wrong. it's when we give up on looking to God for the answers and choose to fall into a pit of grief that we can't climb out of, that we fail to grasp the true blessing that is inside of the grief process.

satan tries to take something that is from God, such as grief and turn it into one of his tools to trap us, to build strongholds around our souls. it's not the circumstances that we battle. it's not the death of a loved one, the overwhelming illness, the financial hardships, or the unexpected adversities that we are battling against. those are all part of life. plain and simple. and life happens. sometimes we know why, and sometimes we don't. but through it all, it's not those situations at all that we fight. it's not the people that hurt us that we fight either. it's not the friend that betrays you, the spouse that hurt your feelings, the parent that isn't there, or the fellow Christian who is a hypocrite that we should be holding a grudge against. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.(2)" in all of our circumstances, trials, suffering, and tragedies, the only one that we can cast blame on is satan. he is the one that uses people, places, ideas and assumptions to invade our hearts and make us believe that someone or something else is to blame. and when he really gets his way, if we allow him to do what he wants, that blame more often than not falls on God. which is totally opposite from everything we learn in scripture. and when you realize that, the why's don't seem so important anymore. the "why has this happened" turns into "what can i do about it or how can i overcome it?"


i've come to notice a few keywords or phrases that make me realize i'm slipping into a trap. "i should be, would be, could be" are all some of them. i should be holding a baby right now, i should be complaining that i can't sleep because a baby keeps waking me up, not because i'm awake thinking about how i don't even have a baby. i should be showing my new baby off in his adorable new baby clothes at church instead of longing to hold every stranger's baby that i see. i should be shielding my fragile newborn from the dangerous rays of the sun, and enjoying myself fully instead of sulking in the fact that i dont and completely missing the beauty of this moment watching my full-of-life 3 year old on the beach. he would be a month old, i should be finding out how much he has grown. i could be, i should be, i would be. over and over. it's always something. and each time one of those little phrases creeps into my mind, it digs me deep. it's not ever just a passing thought or a fleeting memory. it's a sand spur that digs itself into my very soul and causes chaos in my punctured flesh. each initial thought, turns into an entire cascade of i should be's until i'm in a heap of tears on the floor, gasping for air because my life is not at all what i thought it should be or hoped it would be. and it is so easy to dwell on those things. it's so easy to welcome them in becausepart of the grieving process is grieving all the things that should have been that never will be. but God has something so much better available to us. God gives us the process of grief as a way to heal. Grief is not meant to be something that digs us deeper and deeper into a pit.

i think God designed grief as a way to seek him honestly. let's face it, how many times do we really feel comfortable asking God the tough questions. We have this fear of God that tells us if we stand up to Him at all, we may get struck by lightening. i shouldn't dare question God, because well, He is God and i'm just an ant in His world. but that's so very untrue. but that's what we think sometimes. or at least i do. and i have never met a braver and bolder person before God, than a person who is grieving. anger meets anguish and the courage is increased one hundred fold. and we aren't afraid to ask the hard questions. because we demand to know why. we want to know the truth. we're not afraid of yelling at God because it hurts. Jesus himself cried out in agony asking God if there was another way and believed that His father had left Him.(3) but if we truly approach the throne of grace with a pure heart, as someone who loves God deeply, but earnestly wants to know peace, it's amazing how hard He will fight to reveal to us exactly what we NEED. and i capitalize need, because it's not always the answer we want. but the truth He provides is always what we need.

When we understand where all bad things come from, which is satan if we need a review, it is only then that we can embrace grief for the beautiful gift that only God can give. For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine (mighty) power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension, that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.(4)  Friends, we are not left alone to fight the devil on our own! God equips us with weapons, mighty mighty weapons, to fight with. Weapons that DEMOLISH arguments, theories, speculations, reasoning, assumptions, and every evil thought. we don't have to wait around on God to do that for us. WE have that power, through His death on a cross. we don't have to let satan take those precious areas of our lives. (can you tell this is exciting me?!) we don't have to let him dictate how we react to our circumstances. because what happens when we do allow him into our lives? the Bible says that the enemy comes to steal (joy), kill (relationships) and destroy (passion). when we give him power, the moment we begin to give in to those "should be's, would be's and could be's, the deeper we let him take us down into a pit, the more we are going to take it out on those that we love. our joy will disappear, our relationships will suffer and our passion and fire for Christ will be devoured. but Jesus says, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the fullest."(5) we don't have to wail and mourn as if we had no hope. because we do. what a beautiful hope we have! our present sufferings are not WORTH comparing to the future glory that will be revealed!(6)  they aren't worth it! to dwell on our sufferings is a waste of time! if our true purpose is to serve God, to worship Him, and to further His kingdom,(7) then it really is a waste of time to dwell on our problems. which aren't really problems at all if we put it into that perspective. For in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us. He doesn't say just conquerors. He says MORE than conquerors.(8)

maybe this is a chance for me, a divine opportunity, to tell the world who Jesus is to me. because in the end, that's all that matters. it's not how many kids i have, it's not what kind of parent i am. in the end, all that is going to matter is who Jesus is in my life. and do i walk, talk and breathe to prove who He is to me. because if i'm sitting here crying because of what i don't have, that doesn't prove to you anything about the Lord. in fact, if i sit here and cry because of what i don't have, am i not saying that Jesus really isn't who i have said He is. if i can't depend on Him in my own tragedy, how can i help someone else in need? i'm not just here preaching these things because it's what the Bible tells me to do, i'm here able to say all of this because i am living it. every moment of every day. i am the Lord's testimony. and it is my honor to be able to share the God of the universe, who knows my name, who loves me for who i am, who died for me, so that i might live throughout eternity with Him....and with my baby.

We are in battle people. everyday, a fierce battle. and if you don't realize that, if you can't feel that battle within your soul, then chances are, you are fighting for the wrong team. just sayin. if satan can keep us out of the truth, if he can keep us in that pit of should be's, and keep us believing that we have nothing to fight for, that we aren't worth it, then he will continue to keep us deceived. we will forever be trapped in those strongholds that he has placed around us. get in the Word. scripture is God's most powerful weapon against satan and we have it at our fingertips. if you were a soldier in afghanistan, you wouldn't dare go out on a mission without your gun. why would we as a Christian even think about going out into the world....work, school, marriage, parenthood....our battlefields, without our most valuable weapon? do not be deceived into thinking that you can do this on your own. don't think for one second that you are immune to the attacks of the evil forces of this world. Jesus himself battled satan and if he was brave enough to approach God himself, you better believe he's going to head after you. it's not easy. there is nothing easy about being a Christian, and easy is what you signed up for, then you're in for a surprise. there was nothing easy about the betrayal, the lies, the accusations, the ridicule, the beatings and ultimately his death on that cross, but he did it. he did it for you. and for me.  that in itself is worthy enough for me to fight to my death against satan. and just because i fight doesn't mean i will always win. i will fail, and i will slip and let one foot fall into a pit every now and then. heck i may even fall all the way in again at some point. but the good news is that even if i don't win today, my Lord has already won the victory. and if i fail today, tomorrow is a new day. a fresh start. i don't have to be perfect, but i have to try. the first step of success is showing up. will you show up and let God use you today?


1.) Philippians 4:73    2.) Ephesians 6:12    3.) Matthew 26:42 & Matthew 27:45      4.) 2  Corinthians 10:3-5      

5.) John 10:10        6.)Romans 8:18           7.) Matthew 22:36-40       8.) Romans 8:37

i want to say a special thank you to melanie fell, i don't know if she'll read this or not. but if you do, thank you so much for being obedient to Christ and speaking the word that he gives you. i know it's not "normal" for you to be speaking at Selah, but i know that for the past 3 weeks, you have been right where God wants you.