Christmas Blessings

the months leading up to Christmas this year was a big ball of beautiful chaos for me. I've worked retail during Christmas before, at the same store in fact, but this year, it was a little different. thankfully, it was a lot more low key than i remember. the people were, in general, a lot nicer than years before and miraculously, it just wasn't as bad as i had anticipated. with that being said, i can't say i didn't have a few breakdowns throughout it all, and i want to thank each and every member of my lifeway family for the amazing support they give me continuously. i know that God has me there as a part of my healing, and He has proved to me that i am ministering to others on the way. i love to go into work each morning in anticipation of what God is going to do. who he is going to bring into the store to meet me. i truly believe that each encounter i have every single day is a divine appointment from God. and there have been some amazing appointments. just when i need them too. for that, i am so thankful for my job.

this month also started a new chain of events in my life. a year of firsts. december 14 marked a year ago that i took 5 pregnancy tests and they were all positive. a year ago on that date, i ran outside in my robe at 5:30am to catch my bewildered husband who was driving down the street headed to work, to tell him the news. a year ago on december 14, my world changed forever. in wonderful and horrific ways. i know that this year is going to be a challenge. i have been warned. but i have also been given the hope that after this year of firsts is over, it gets better. i have a beautiful friend that has been through so much more heartache than i can imagine and i trust her. she is a priceless gem from God and i thank Him everyday for her presence in my life. i am encouraged through the aching in my soul that one day, the agonizing memory of what should be, will turn into a priceless memory of what WAS. that is my fervent prayer.  but for now, i am more than happy to roll around in a bittersweet dream of what might have been this year. and i wait.

as actual Christmas day drew near, i was finally able to rest and enjoy the beauty of the season. Christmas morning I woke up to my first white Christmas that I can remember. they say we had one in 93, but i don't remember it. i looked out the window and i marveled at on what should have been a sad and lonely morning for me, God sent me a blessing that I had never gotten before. my heart rejoiced in His love, mercy and compassion. my soul was full of praise and gratitude for what the day meant to me and my family. Jesus was here. He left His throne in heaven, laid His crown down, and came to Earth as a baby, born in the lowliest of places, to the humblest of people, lived a painfully human life. He did things that I cannot comprehend for reasons that I don't understand. but for everything, i am so beyond grateful. my son woke up from his sleep and lit up when he saw the presents under the tree. "Mom! Jesus brought me presents!" once again, my heart melted with joy. and suddenly every tear that could have flowed from my eyes that morning was wiped away with the joy seen through the eyes of a child on Christmas morning. I may not have had my baby snuggled up in my arms, but I had him in my heart, and his spirit was most definitely here, right along with Jesus'.

we spent time with family. i laughed and i cried. and as i sat and watched the kids open presents, as laughter filled the room, i thought about all the people that were in bethlehem that first Christmas night. there were so many people that mary and joseph didnt have a place to sleep. and yet, not a single person saw the greatest miracle of all time. in that moment, i looked up and saw the snow gently falling outside the window. slow and silent in the midst of everyone's busy life, just like Jesus came. and i smiled. and i thanked God for bringing joy into my sorrow on this special day. not many people spoke of Kristopher during Christmas. for those that did, Thank You, from the bottom of my heart. but he was there this Christmas, in his own special way, helping mommy notice the little things in life. helping me love with a love i've never felt before. helping me see with eyes i didn't know i had. helping me feel every joy and pain with a relentless passion. and most of all, helping me worship my God, as much as he is right now in heaven.

Merry Christmas! I pray that the new year brings joy and more blessings than you could ever imagine. for those of your reading this, know that you are prayed over. i know that many of you are here because you are hurting too, and you are looking for someone to identify with. know that God sees you, and He hears you, and He loves you. and He wants more than anything, for you to know that He has provided a way for you to see your loved one again someday in Heaven. and He longs to see you there. Put your faith and trust in Jesus, and i promise, your heart will be healed in places you didn't even realize were broken. Seek Him, fervently seek Him, and when you find Him, i promise, you won't regret it. i pray for your peace, and comfort and strength. and as always, i'm here, ready and willing to listen and cry with you.

much love,
mir

thankful

i have spent the last few weeks feeling sort of uncertain, if you will. i know that holidays are usually a rough time for people who have suffered a great loss in their life. and with thanksgiving, and Christmas just around the corner, i began to get nervous about how i was going to feel. i have to say that in all honesty, the weeks leading up to today were eerily calm. i wasn't sad about the upcoming holidays, i wasn't afraid of my emotions, and i wasn't really feeling that much of anything. and so i began to think that i might just be alright and make it through this season without too much peril.

but then i got in the car this morning to go to the grocery store. by myself. and satan tried to slice me. i don't even know where it came from, but the devil never ever fails to try and kick my feet out from under me when i'm alone. so i was in my car thinking about how i should be carrying my little man around wearing a little bib that said "baby's first thanksgiving." actually i still have one that was supposed to be stephen's but he never got to wear it because he was a little bit late. but before i allowed myself to slip even a toe into that pit of self-pity, i put a halt to it. i said no, i will not do this to myself. today is thanksgiving. i will give thanks. and i did.

because the truth is, i have an incredible abundance of things to be thankful for. i am thankful that i have a family that loves and supports me. a husband that chooses me, over and over again, every single day. i am thankful that i have food on my table, and a roof over my head. a bed to sleep in and soft covers to keep me warm. i am thankful that i have shoes and clothes and, in reality, anything that i need or even want, really. i may not always have the cash, but i have a way to walk to the store and buy anything i might ever want. and i know that it's cheesy to be thankful for those things, it's what everybody always lists at the beginning of their "count your blessings" list. but for real. this year more than any other year of my life, i have realized just how truly fortunate i am to have all of those things. because there are more people in this world that don't have those things than there are people that do. that is a sad thought. and we don't even think twice about it. we think it's corny to be thankful for those things because those are just things that everybody is entitled to, right? they may be entitled to those things, but that does not mean they have them. not even close.


i am thankful for my son. i used to be so aggravated that stephen's birthday was right around thanksgiving. life is busy and people are always out of town and it's just hard to get a birthday party together when it's right before or after, or even on thanksgiving. but i never dreamed that the fact that his birthday is near thanksgiving would be so significant for me this year. as i round this holiday and head full fledged into christmas mode, i am forced to stop and celebrate the precious life of my sweet stephen. in the hustle and bustle of this time of year, i am reminded of the day that he entered this world, all 7 lbs and 1/2 an ounce of him. and i am abundantly giving thanks for his presence in my life this year. he is my crown and my joy and i had no idea that it was possible, i couldn't even fathom, how much i could love another person in this world as much as i love him. God knew, in all of his wisdom, that this particular year, i was going to need a reason to be thankful on this thanksgiving, and he gave me the greatest blessing anyone can ask for. i have a reason to celebrate and be thankful. because stephen is here, and he is very much alive, and very much a huge part of my life. and i love him so, so much more than i ever thought possible.

i am thankful, so thankful, that God chose me to bring sweet Kristopher into this world. he chose me to nourish him, and help him grow, and he chose me to deliver him to heaven. i am so thankful to be a mommy to 2 wonderful boys. i am so thankful that Kristopher is so happy where he is, and that he would so much rather be there, than here wearing a stupid big with a silly looking turkey on it, waiting on me to feed him. i am thankful that God is so wise, and that He knows exactly what He's doing and that His timing is absolutely perfect. i am thankful that Kristopher is in heaven watching over his two little siblings who we never got a chance to meet. and i am thankful that my heart is big enough to hold the love for all of them. i am thankful that i can feel, that i can ache and hurt, because if i couldn't feel those, i would never be able to feel the beauty of healing.

i am thankful for Jesus. without Him, my life is worthless. i choose to be thankful. because when remind myself of all i have to be thankful for, it ends up not even being a choice. :)

decompression

isn't this little guy the most adorable thing you've seen in a while? he is so special to me on so many levels. it just so happened to arrive the day after my birthday, which just made it even more perfect. but he's not just any bear. he weighs the exact amount that Kristopher weighed at birth. i know it might seem silly to some, because to be honest, it did to me at first. but when i opened the box and picked him up, i can't explain the feelings of comfort it brought. this little bear was sent to me by an organization called "Molly Bears." Bridget is a military wife who lost her baby girl at 34 weeks. She provides these bears absolutely free to families who have lost a baby. I am so thankful to her and her willingness to offer this amazing gift, so if you would like, please click here and make a donation in memory of Kristopher to help her continue to offer this service to mothers everywhere. to be able to hold something in my arms that i knew was the exact weight of my baby boy...the baby boy that i should have brought home from the hospital...it was just surreal. there have been so many times that i just long to hold an itty bitty baby, just to feel that weight in my arms, and now i can whenever i want to. i can pick up my bear and close my eyes and pretend for just a few minutes that i'm rocking my sweet sweet boy. you can call me crazy, it's ok, i'm pretty positive i am sometimes, but if you are ever walking by house and see me rocking a blue bear through the window, you will know why. :)

decompression. i actually had a chance to do that today. and it was beautiful. for those of you who don't know, i have started working again, after being at home since my almost 4 year old, Stephen was born. and since i have started working, i honestly, can't remember the last time, that i was able to be at home and remain at home all day. it seems like if i'm not working at some point during the day, i always have SOMEWHERE i have to go. a doctor's office, the grocery store, church, etc. but today, i had the day off, and i had nothing i HAD to do. well, i take that back, i had plenty i needed to do, but no where i absolutely had to be, if that makes sense. and i got some time to spend just breathing, and watching a movie with Stephen and having a sense of normalcy in our house. and i was home when Justin came home, and we had dinner, and i purposefully didn't make Stephen take a nap, so that he would go to bed early and Justin and I could have some time together in a quiet house. i am just so happy with the way today went. i never realized how much i needed these days until i don't have them often anymore!

most importantly, i had some time to grieve again. i feel like since i've gone back to work, i have put my grieving process on hold. in some ways, it has been great, because i have a reason to get up every morning, rather than just lay around the house and mope like i had been doing too much at home. i stay so busy, that i don't really have time to think about the dark cloud that seems to follow me and hover over me wherever i go. but the bad part of being busy, is that when those times do come up that slice me to the core, i can't really allow myself to feel them. i have to shove them down and move on because i'm working, and they don't pay me to sit in the bathroom and cry. even though the place i work has been so great and understanding of the times that i do need a minute to put myself together.

i have found that working with the public, certain people come in and certain comments are made that really and truly hurt. and it's not anybody's fault. i can't expect every one i come in contact with to know my story. but there are many times that i wish i had a sign on my shirt that told people what not to say at any given second. the only problem with that though, is that something that triggered a meltdown 5 mintues ago, might not even affect me 10 minutes from now. it's always changing. i can talk to a pregnant woman all day one minute, and then the next, i want to fall apart when i see a pregnant woman walk through the door. same with babies. some moms come in with their itty bitty newborn and i just ache to pick that child up and cuddle him. but then other times, i want to punch that woman in the face. how dare she bring a baby anywhere near me?! how silly of me to get angry at someone who couldn't possibly know how i'm feeling! but as silly and childish as it seems, sometimes it is very hard! sometimes certain conversations are just unbearable. "how many kids do you have?" that is still such a hard question for me. so much of me wants to say, 'well, i'm supposed to have 2.' and then it just aches within me because i have fake a smile and say, i have 1 little boy. he's almost 4. (please don't take that the wrong way. i absolutely adore my son, and if anything Kristopher's death has made me appreciate Stephen a million times over. i am in no way ungrateful for him, but i still want my Kristopher too. as much joy as Stephen brings me, my heart is still empty and aching with loss. i hope that makes sense.) and then of course there is the "are you going to have more kids?" i wish more people understood how certain questions are just not meant to be asked. yes, it's a harmless question, and of course asked with absolutely no amount of intended hurt feelings, but it's just one of those questions that you shouldn't ask. because you never know when that person you are asking is struggling with having kids. they may have been trying for years, have suffered miscarriages, or even a stillbirth, and that kind of question is just torture for someone who wants to share their good news with the world, but that good news just hasn't come yet.

but anyway, back to my point. during my decompression today, i was able and allowed to grieve. i didn't have anybody looking at me, and i didn't have to put on a face for a stranger. i allowed myself to feel everything my heart wanted to feel today, in all of it's glory, confusion, beauty and pain. i went through the stack of cards that have been gathered from my mailbox over the past 3 months. going back and reading those cards offered me a completely different sense of comfort today than when they first arrived. being in a position of looking back at where i've been, i was able to read those cards with more clarity, and more willingness to believe the words written. i again want to thank every one of you that have sent me something in the mail. all of the mail i have is such a treasure to my heart and i want you to know that i am still finding comfort in your words 3 months later. thank you, thank you, thank you.

i was able to go into Kristopher's room today. i normally don't venture in there, because at this point in my journey, his room is still sacred ground. and i don't like to go in there unless i have time to sit and dwell in there. i know it's just a room, but it's such a beautiful place in my house and love to savor it when i'm in there. it smells so heavenly of freshly dreft washed baby clothes, and my rocking chair is so comfortable and it's just so special to me. i love Kristopher's room. and until now, it has been the exact same way that i left it. there were still bags of baby items yet to be de-tagged and put away, there were still boxes of random things to be put away and organized, and then there was a big box of beautiful gifts that i have received from so many of you. and i put things away and cleared the floor of the room and shut the closet door. so now i can walk in there and it's a clean and pretty room. no boxes or bags laying around. that was a huge step for me.

i finally sat down and read a book sent to me by my dear friend, Melissa, called Tear Soup. it is such a beautifully written book and it was exactly what i needed to read on a day like today. i highly recommend that book to anyone who is grieving about any situation or for anyone who wants to know how to help someone through the process of grief. thank you, Melissa. I am so thankful that you knew my heart before i did. i love you.

and most importantly, i cried. i really haven't been able to cry recently. i have teared up, and i have fought tears, but i haven't had the moment that i could let go and let myself cry. it was such a good cry too. i cried, of course, out of grief. because i miss Kristopher. i miss him so very much. and some days it's unbearable. but today was different because i also cried for other reasons. i cried because i was able to sit and look back at the last 3 months and see the different twists and turns i have taken along the way, and i was thankful. when i thought back to the first few weeks after Kristopher died, i never ever thought i would be able to feel thankful. but today, i was. i am thankful that i am at this point in my life. i am thankful that God has walked with me every single step of the way. i am thankful that i am wiser and more mature than i was, say, 4 years ago. i am thankful that my little baby has given me such a reason to fight for this world. i am thankful that God has given me the courage to speak so highly of His name. i am thankful that i have the opportunity to help someone else. and most of all, i am thankful that i am human, and that i have the ability to feel. i am so thankful that God in his power, gave me the privilege to cry, to laugh, to hurt, to rejoice, to suffer and to love. i know i've said this before, and i know it sounds crazy, but this aching i have deep in my soul sometimes, is so beautiful and so wonderful, because it leads me to the feet of my Savior and it forces me to spend time with Him. He is my heavenly Father who draws me into His strong arms and wipes the tears from my eyes and holds me close, and at the same time, He is Almighty God, Lord and King, at whose feet i fall on my face and worship His holy name. and truly there is no other place i would rather be. and if it takes such deep pain to get me there, i am thankful that He is wise in all of His ways, because i don't want to be anywhere else right now.

"I’ve learned 

that there is something down deep within all of us 

ready to help us survive the things we think we can’t survive."

-Tear Soup

(and that something is God...)

a decent day

i feel like God is calling me to do something big. i'm not exactly sure what it is yet. but i know it's something. i have been so agonizingly aware of suffering in this world the past month. maybe it's because once you go through something that rips open every chamber of your heart, and leaves it raw, that it is only then you can truly see the pain that is ALL around you.

i used to be able to go through my life in a different way. i would hear sad news, and i would definitely be sad, but almost as quickly as the sad news shocked me, it was gone. i could go on with my normal activities and be happy in my life. but now, oh it's such a different story. i can't let go of the bad news. my heart is so incredibly broken for the hearts and lives and spirits that surround me. childhood cancer, child death, infant death, financial struggles, hurting marriages, hurting parents, hurting kids, broken homes, broken lives, people desperate for hope and for purpose.

we have some friends that have a little boy named Alex. Alex was adopted from Russia. Alex has cancer. I want to share with you one of the most recent updates from his mom, a lady I have grown so fond of, and have so much respect for. This is what she said:

Alex had a decent morning (he is very swollen as you will see in the picture), but now he is sound asleep with a fever. We read books and hung out this morning, and he even drove the tractor around the wing a couple of times. Then, he threw up, and by noon, he his entire body was just was shaking uncont...rollably. I got on the air mattress with him, and read a book and held him while our nurse gave him some Benadryl to try and settle the shakes down. He went from 98.6 degree to 102.5 degree fever in less than an hour. He is now sleeping, and I hope he continues to sleep through a lot of this. His next antibody treatment will start around 2:00 pm. Thanks for all of your thoughts, prayers, and kind words.

Did you notice what she said in her first sentence?? Alex had a decent morning. Is there anything about that update that says decent to you?! BUT, for him and what he is used to, that WAS a decent day for him. Alex is 6 years old.

that is just a small glimpse into alex's life. if you want to know more about alex, his family, and his illness, you can visit his website HERE.

As we arrived at church on Halloween night to participate in the very exciting Fall Festival at Thompson Station Church, i received an email from our sunday school teacher. One of the families in our church had rushed to the emergency room with their 2 year old little girl, and she was diagnosed with Leukemia. and somehow in the fun, chaotic festivities, i couldn't think of anything except for little Alli, and how she should be here too, but her parents had just received the worst news of their lives. you can find Alli's story HERE

How our lives can all change in a matter of moments. your life can be turned upside down in the blink of an eye. I have so many other stories that have permeated my heart over the last month or so. A 5 year old little boy with special needs, who wasn't supposed to survive at all outside of the womb, finally lost his battle. another mother had to release her 3 day old baby back to heaven the day she got home from the hospital. a spouse trying everything he can to hang on to his marriage with his wife, who simply doesn't want to try anymore. a single mother, trying to raise her little boy, while waging war for the man she loves who is addicted to drugs and out on the streets. a family with two mortgages, but without a job, struggling to make ends meet. so much heartache, so much pain. i can't let go of it this time. i can't go on with my days and pretend like this suffering is not there. God won't allow it this time. He has created a burden, a beautiful burden in my heart for these people. please join me in praying for these special people. you may not know their names, but God does. we may not know their full situation, or even anything about the people suffering, but God does.

and i have learned that more than anything, through every situation, through every heartache, God is still God, and we are His. there is hope in Jesus' name. He has already won the victory and we have a reason to rejoice. i don't want to sit back and have a passive faith. when we worship, when we praise our Father in heaven, we have power over the darkness. Our worship gives us the tools we need to defeat suffering in this world.

"all of my life, in every season,You are still God, I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship."

The Quilt Holes

As I  faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the  other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was.  They were filled with giant  holes.  Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life.  I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me.  Nobody else had such squares.  Other than a tiny hole here and  there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune.  I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth.  The others rose; each in  turn, holding up their tapestries.  So filled their lives had been.  My angel looked upon me and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame.  I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes.  I had love in my life and laughter.  But there had also been trials of illness and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it.  I had to start over many times.  I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again.  I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life..  I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth..  My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air.  I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.

Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ.  Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes.  He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.

Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!

this is an email i received from my sweet sister, kathy. it was perfect for the day i was living and i want to share it with you all. i so wish i could see the tapestry of my life when it is finished. it would make living each day a lot easier, because i know it's going to be beautiful. it has to be. i will not let go of that hope. 

memories

“As memory may be a paradise from which we cannot be driven, 

it may also be a hell from which we cannot escape.”

why are memories so hard? memories are such a beautiful gift of God, truly, but such a bittersweet thing to do to look back on memories. memories are supposed to help you. you hold on to memories so tight and you never want to let them go. especially if a memory is all you have to hold onto. oh, but in the wake of your pain, when you just long to remember, and you dig up those old files in your brain, and you browse through the pictures, the piercing knife in your heart, that never really goes away, just gets deeper and cuts through yet another layer of tender and raw material.

i love pictures. i adore them. and anybody that knows me, knows that. people in my life, like my husband for example, get so frustrated with me because i'm always taking pictures. and to him, it seems like silly stuff. he hates pictures and he doesn't understand what those pictures mean to me. i have thousands, literally thousands of pictures of stephen, but i still get mad at myself for not taking more. there are months, particularly in august, that i didn't take any pictures at all. i have nothing to document that season in my life. whether something is good or bad, i want to remember it. i can't escape from my memories. i don't want to. in fact, i feel sometimes, like if i blink too long, that i will forget everything. pictures are so important to me because they help me remember. they help me remember people, and what they were like, and how i felt when i was around them, and how i felt during a particular time in my life. and i love looking back at them. love it. but sometimes, even though they may be happy memories, it still hurts to look at the pictures. 

"i don't know if today was harder than yesterday, but it was definitely on a different level. in many ways, life had to go on, and that was hard in and of itself. part of me wants time to freeze so that i can live in this moment and feel the pain. after my csection, the anesthesiologist offered to give me some narcotics to help me relax, but i didn't want them. i want to feel every last drop of pain that is going to come. i could get away from it if i wanted to, but i think that will just make it a longer process. and while it hurts, it's a beautiful form of pain. i dont know if i can describe it. it's a righteous pain, pain in the purest form. pain that is ordained by God himself. it evokes feelings and emotions that He gives us, and it's such a huge mess that He is perfectly capable of cleaning up with a holy disinfectant wipe. i don't want to miss a beat. i wonder if that is weird."

i wrote that on august 3rd, at midnight. 2 days after i found out that kristopher was no longer living. i was describing my second day without him. and i just felt so lost and so afraid that i was going to miss something. and i still, rounding the corner to 2 months later, feel the same way. i am so afraid that i'm going to wake up one morning and not be able to remember. nothing in particular, but everything. i don't ever want to forget a single moment of that first night, or the next day, or the next month. i want to remember every emotion that i went through and i want to remember every tear that i cried. i just do. i never want to forget kristopher's little face. that was my little boy. he was real, and he existed. even if it never was outside of my womb, he was very.much.alive! and sometimes i want to scream out loud. because i feel like the whole world has forgotten that i had a baby. i don't have a pregnant stomach anymore, i'm just fat. really fat. and i have no baby to carry around and give me an excuse for being fat. i didn't care how fat i was after stephen because i had this wonderful little bundle to show the world what i got in return for the huge clothes. but i don't have that this time. i don't have stories to tell about kristopher, except for stories that no one in their right mind wants to hear. but it's all i have, and i so want to talk about him. i caught myself a while ago, talking about my kids. plural. i was talking with another mom in the nursery at church and i mentioned something about my kids. and she asked, oh how many kids do you have? because most people have obviously only seen stephen. and i hadn't even realized that i had said kids in the plural. and my heart froze and i had to swallow the fact and say outloud that i only have one child. because no matter how badly i want to, i can't go around telling everybody that 'well, i should have 2, but one of them died before i even got to hear him cry.' not unless i want to constantly freak people out and have them walk on shells around me. 

that's not what i want. i don't ever want people to think they have to watch what they say around me for fear of me flying off my handle. i do pretty good at holding my composure even if something affects me. i wait until i get home and i let it out then. but i don't ever want to make someone else feel like they can't be who they are in front of me. because that would make me feel "different." and even though i am different, i'm also not. there are thousands of women that have been through exactly what i've been through, and we will never be the same, but we don't have to feel outcast by what we've been through.

so back to the memories. sorry, i got way side tracked. i long for more memories of kristopher. i wish i had taken more pictures. as uncomfortable as it was at the time, i just wish i had more to look at. i really wish i had taken a picture of he and i as i held him in the funeral home. i don't know why i didn't. that was the last time i got to hold him here on earth and i wish i had a picture. and not just kristopher, i wish i had more pictures of everybody i miss in my life. i love going to Mike's facebook and looking at all of his pictures. he had a very pretty smile and it just radiated from within on his face. you could tell that he wasn't just smiling to be smiling, but he was truly full of joy. he loved his life and he loved his family. i didn't get to spend a lot of time with him, but i did get to spend some, and i barely took pictures those few times. i had every chance in the world to snap a picture, and he would have been one that actually didn't care. i think he liked pictures as much as i do. so there's no reason why i shouldn't have. but i just never thought that there wouldn't be a next time to take pictures with him. but luckily, he was a man after my own heart when it came to pictures of himself. justin makes fun of me ALL the time because i'm constantly taking pictures of myself with my camera or with my cell phone. but i hope that when i'm gone, my son has all the pictures that he wants of his mom. especially when she was young. haha. because in truth, it's not for you that you take pictures of yourself. it's for the legacy that you leave behind. for your children, and your grandchildren, and your great grandchildren. i just got done doing an ancestry search, and do you know how cool it was to find a picture of a great great great grandparent? it's so cool. so that's why i take pictures of myself, it's not because i'm conceited and just want to see myself. if no one else is going to take pictures of me, i have to do it myself. i think it's very important. because no matter what, there is always going to come a time when a picture is all that you have. and as painful as it was taking that picture, because you think you are fat, or you are tired of smiling, or being on the camera, those pictures will be very very important to someone else.

memories hurt. they can be very painful in the midst of grief. when i look at pictures of kristopher, i hurt. and when i look at pictures of mike, i ache to the core. and then i get mad. i get angry. i want to throw my computer down and jump on it until it's a pile of tiny pieces. but even in the anger, there is a tender sweetness about those pictures, and those memories. when i see pictures of my huge pregnant belly, it's a sweet reminder of all those nights lying in bed, giggling as he kicked and jabbed me. when i see pictures of mike's huge smile, it's a beautiful reminder of the life he lived, so full of grace and redemption. and even though it makes me angry sometimes now, angry because they are not here anymore, and angry because i am broken, i know i will smile again someday when i look at those pictures. when i look at my granddaddy's pictures, i can smile. it still aches deep down to my soul that he is gone and i wish i could just see him one more time. his little leathery hands that show how hard he worked his entire life, his little jet black hair that had finally begun to turn gray at 90 years old. his little smile that broke through any barriers of negativity and made your heart smile. i miss him so much, but his picture finally brings back wonderful memories and smiles to my faces. so i know that one day these memories i'm clinging to today, will be joyous. but for now i just have to deal with the pain, because it's all part of it. i am so thankful that he made us the way that he did. emotions are hard, but they are beautiful. 

 and if we didn't have winter, spring would not be as wonderful.

“God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.”

“Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, 

the things you are, 

the things you never want to lose.”

you never let go

"  I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. 

I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. 

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:   

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, 

for his compassions never fail. 

They are new every morning; 

great is your faithfulness. 

I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; 

therefore I will wait for him.' 

The Lord is good to those who depend on him, 

to those who search for him. 

So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord. 

 It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.  

Let them sit alone in silence beneath the Lord’s demands. 

Let them lie face down in the dust, for there may be hope at last. 

Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them and accept the insults of their enemies. 

For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. 

Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. 

For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow." 

Lamentations 3:19-33 (NIV & NLT)

God is good. His sweet tender words never fail to be exactly what i need,

right where i am. 

thank you for all the prayers.

i know someone is lifting them up for me because i can feel them. 

thank you so very much.

and please,

don't stop.

  
-m  

this is the song that was in my heart when i woke up yesterday. 

i sang it from the moment i woke up until i got to church. 

i love it.

the difference between soft clay and hard clay

i have found myself very down lately. just blah. do you ever have just blah days? well my entire week has been a big blah. i have been moody, irritable, angry, mean and just downright cynical. ask my husband. and unfortunately, my son. the other night, justin called to ask what we were doing for dinner and i said, "if you can pick up some hamburger meat, we can have spaghetti." and he replied, "ok, cool." well, he walked through the door and i greeted him with a scowl and a hand on my hip when i realized that he didn't have any kind of grocery bag in his hand and i knew he didn't put hamburger meat in his pocket. it turns out he heard, "if you want to do something with hamburger meat, we can do spaghetti." but i didn't take time to care what he actually heard until after i had finished yelling, and ranting and accusing him of everything he doesn't do and has ever done wrong. when in reality, it was just a mis-communication, which is SO SO easy to happen over a phone. that's just one example of how bitter i have felt this week.

a hugest, main, DING DING DING problem underneath is that i have not been faithful in my one on one time with the Lord this week. i just haven't. i have either ignored the 5:30 alarm clock, or went ahead and got up, with every intention of opening my Bible, but just didn't. i purposefully allow myself to get distracted with other things...cough cough...facebook. or, i sleep in just long enough that i don't have time to spend time in prayer before i need to help justin get off to work. and then after his lunch is ready and he is out the door, instead of sitting down by myself then, i just go back to bed and wait for stephen to wake me up. with every intention of sticking him in front of the tv when he wakes up, and then i will have time for God. once i'm not so sleepy. but even then, i just sit and watch tv with him. even though i do not think it is ok to ignore my son for something that i should have taken care of hours before he woke up. but still, i tell myself it's ok in my mind because i need to do it.

and there. that is my problem. the past few weeks i have been very good about waking up at 5:30 with my husband and we each have our own quiet times. just me and the Lord. and then we start our day. and while it has been wonderful, and i have gleaned so much heart knowledge and wisdom from what I have read and I have had many prayers answered through my conversations with Him. still, it has been more like a chore for me. knowing me for any length of time, you would understand that i do.not.like mornings. i just don't. never have, i don't think i ever will. i enjoy a lot of things about the mornings, like the quietness, the stillness, the tranquility you find early in the morning before the sun is even up. but i just downright don't like it. i would rather miss all of that for a few hours of sleep. i can stay up later than a raccoon, but i just don't do mornings well. i am a night owl through and through. so for that reason alone, getting up early to spend time with the Savior of my soul, feels like a chore.

but like i said for the last few weeks, i have pushed through. i have made myself get up and i have thoroughly enjoyed it. but this week, satan has sunk his teeth into that part of my heart and i'm having a hard time shaking him. and i know why. it's because i don't have my mighty weapons on me. i'm fighting with weapons that satan knows how to demolish. i'm fighting with my own strength, not the Lord's. i just haven't wanted to do it, even though i know i need to and i have a desire deep down. but my shallow flesh has just been digging my heels in the mud and refusing to allow myself to feel the love of my Heavenly Father.

i have been spiritually vomiting up feelings of anger and bitterness and sometimes even rage. i am mad at my circumstances, i am angry with my situation. i am bitter that i have been dealt this hand, i am raging over the fact that i am a good person, i *thought* i was on a good path, i was doing things the way that i *thought* God wanted me to do them. i *thought* he had given me this promise, but now, it didn't seem to be so. maybe He changed His mind, maybe He forgot, or maybe He had never made that promise to begin with. Maybe it was just me, in my mind, turning what I wanted into what God wanted. i don't know. but i have just been a little angry over the fact that i don't know. i don't understand. and i don't like not being in control. because not only have i lost my child, who i longed for, for so long. i prayed for him and i begged God for him, and then he gave him to me. and i just knew that God was finally fulfilling His promise. he gave me the confirmation that it was ok to have another baby one day when we were watching stephen play at chick fil a, and he was talking to another kid and the other kid just straight up ignored him, and his face was just full of heartbreak. i felt like God was telling me it was time for a little sibling... finally. before then, even though i wanted one, it wasn't time. either, justin was getting ready to deploy, or he was actually deployed and it just wasn't possible. but now, he was home. and we were a family and everything was right, and it was time. and it happened, and then God took that away. not only once, but twice. i was pregnant last august, and i miscarried in september. i thought THAT was my trial. i thought that was the valley i had to walk through. a 5 month long valley that i finally made it through when i got the positive test just 11 days before Christmas. i was so thankful that God had brought me through that valley and fulfilled his promise. and we waited very anxiously, and we celebrated more and more as each week passed, giving us more hope for a future with this little one. but we were on a mountain. and i was soaking up every ounce of my pregnancy, even through the horrific nausea and heartburn and every other uncomfort and worry that comes along with a pregnancy. i was just so happy that i had those things to make me uncomfortable because for a while i wasn't sure i was ever going to get to feel the joys of being pregnant again. and here i was, i could feel kristopher kicking and moving and rolling inside my womb and he responded to me and he made me laugh. i love being pregnant and i thanked God every single day that i He had given me that opportunity. and now, i sit more heartbroken than i ever have been. and i just don't understand. i know i wasn't perfect, but i'm never going to be. and i don't believe that God has that expectation of me. so i just don't understand what i did wrong. i have been going over and over in my mind all of the things i could have possibly done differently.

and not only that, it seems like every other thing that could happen, has happened. i mean, i just want a break. i was supposed to go on a weekend trip to the lake with the ladies from sunday school last weekend, and at the last minute, our dog jake was hit by a car, broke his leg and required surgery. and a couple other things happened and when i sought out God's advice on whether or not i should go on the trip, he flat out told me no. and i fought with Him and i argued like the brattiest teenager i've ever seen. i cried and i screamed in the shower (literally, i screamed in the shower at him). and i tried to come up with every way possible to "interpret" his answer into something that worked with my plans. i wanted to think he just said to wait a little while, and i could go later. or i wanted to think that i just didn't hear him right and everything would be fine if i just went. and i even thought about just ignoring him completely and going anyway. but no matter what i came up with, my heart was in turmoil. until the moment that i screamed at Him in the shower. i just screamed out of frustration. and it was at that moment that he wrapped His arms around me and rocked me and told me that it was ok. He told me that He understood that i was angry and he understood how much i wanted this, but that He had reasons that i couldn't understand and I just needed to trust him. and so i surrendered. and i cried. i wept until all of the confusion was gone and my heart was peaceful. it was a sweet surrender. and when i look back and think about all of that wrestling, over something as stupid as a trip to the lake, i feel so inconsiderate and childish. but see, to me, it was more than just a trip. it was something i thought that i deserved. something i had earned through all of my grief and suffering. i NEEDED that time away with friends. friends who understood me and friends that loved me. but in reality, i don't deserve anything, and i know that God is completely sufficient for me. he is my portion and he makes me whole. and he just wanted me to seek Him, instead of seeking other things and people and places to comfort me. but even with that knowledge and peace, as the weekend went on, the resentment entered. and it just added to my negativity and my plain bad attitude. even though i understood, and it turned out that i actually needed to be home, because i had to move jake from one hospital to another and he came home a day earlier than scheduled, i so desperately wanted to be at the lake. and i have a really hard time letting go of my wants and desires. i am embarrassed to say that when i want something, i generally get it. and if i don't get it, i throw a fit until i do. i did it with my mom as a kid and i even do it to my husband. of course there are times when the answer just has to be no, and i get over it, but i will always try to get what i want. i don't like that about myself, and for some reason i thought it would actually work with God this time. haha.

through all of this, the verse that talks about being clay kept coming to my mind. and i couldn't shake it. so i drug out my old Thompson Chain Reference Bible (which i love by the way and i highly recommend to anyone that desires to study in God's Word. it is a great resource. i might have to do a Bible review in a future post....hmm) and i looked up every verse that speaks of clay. and what i found was exactly what i needed. should i have expected anything different from God? :)

i know this is already long, but it's about to get longer. i got a lot of Word to show you. and it may not speak to you like it did me, and if not, that's ok. when i write it on this blog, it just helps me to write it again on my heart. but i do pray, and i know that God will, reveal something to you through these words, even if it's not the same thing he revealed to me.

Isaiah 29:13,14,16 (NLT)- "And so the Lord says, 'These people say they are mine. They honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. And their worship of me is nothing but man-made rules.  Because of this, I will once again astound these hypocrites with amazing wonders. The wisdom of the wise will pass away, and the intelligence of the intelligent will disappear.'...How foolish can you be? He is the Potter, and he is certainly greater than you, the clay! Should the created thing say of the one who made it, 'He didn’t make me?' Does a jar ever say, 'The potter who made me is stupid?'"

I have been going through the motions this week. I do feel that my heart has been 100% in all of my efforts thus far, but i know for certain that this particular week, was nothing but motions. I was following the "rules" of Christianity rather than spending time forming my relationship with my Savior, who deserves every bit of my time and more and because i long to have that communion with him. I have seen his wonders and his miracles in my own life, time and time again. and yet I am still so foolish sometimes to think that i can take care of myself better than he can. the Creator of the earth, the one who has called me by my name and knows every hair on my head, even the ones that have fallen on the floor...how dare i think that he doesn't know what's best for me?

 Isaiah 45:2-13 "This is what the Lord says: “I will go before you, Cyrus, and level the mountains. I will smash down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. God has already prepared my path. He has already crushed down every gate and bar that stands before me on my journey. I don't have to do that part. And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness—  secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name. There are treasures in this darkness I'm in! there are lessons to be learned, beauty to see, and love to embrace. sweet beautiful love to roll around in.  “And why have I called you for this work? Why did I call you by name when you did not know me? It is for the sake of Jacob my servant, Israel my chosen one.I am the Lord; there is no other God. I have equipped you for battle, though you don’t even know me,  so all the world from east to west will know there is no other God. I am the Lord, and there is no other. I create the light and make the darkness. I send good times and bad times. I, the Lord, am the one who does these things. “Open up, O heavens, and pour out your righteousness. Let the earth open wide so salvation and righteousness can sprout up together. I, the Lord, created them. Once again, I am reminded that this world is not about me. I am here to be an ambassador for Christ. and whatever I go through, whether it is good or bad it is my responsibility to bring glory to God, no matter how I feel about it. because good or bad, it all comes from God and he deserves honor and glory because he is sovereign and holy and as bad as we may think we have it, it's really nothing in comparison with what we truly deserve as filthy rotten sinners.
 What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, ‘Stop, you’re doing it wrong!’ Does the pot exclaim, ‘How clumsy can you be?’  How terrible it would be if a newborn baby said to its father, ‘Why was I born?’ or if it said to its mother, ‘Why did you make me this way?’ This is what the Lord says—the Holy One of Israel and your Creator: “Do you question what I do for my children? Do you give me orders about the work of my hands?  I am the one who made the earth and created people to live on it. With my hands I stretched out the heavens. All the stars are at my command. I will raise up Cyrus to fulfill my righteous purpose, and I will guide his actions."
There we go with the clay again. Who am I to question God's purpose or his authority. God will accomplish His purpose through me, no matter how many times I get in the way. And he is there to guide me if i will just be willing to follow Him.


Now, go get your own Bibles. Yes, set the computer down, get out of your chair, and go get your Bible. You will have to open it too. I'm going to give you more verses, because it would take me forever to write them all out.

The insignificance of man. We are compared to clay, to moths, dust, worms, grasshoppers, and grass. Anything and everything that is lowliest of the low. That's what we are compared to God.

Job 4:12-19, 25:5-6; Psalm 8:3-4; Isaiah 40:121-25; Isaiah 41:11-16

The Divine Knowledge of God. No one can fathom His understanding. Wisdom is His and ONLY He can give it. God is God and we are not. May I let Him teach me in my trials. May I learn everything I can from Him. Because my desire is to know Him and to be like Him.


Isaiah 40:26-28; Daniel 2:20-22; Ecclesiastes 11:5; Romans 11:33-36; 1 Corinthians 1:25;



More clay.


Romans 9:20-23 Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, “Why have you made me like this?” When a potter makes jars out of clay, doesn’t he have a right to use the same lump of clay to make one jar for decoration and another to throw garbage into? In the same way, even though God has the right to show his anger and his power, he is very patient with those on whom his anger falls, who are destined for destruction. 

How humbling! through all of my studying of how we are compared to clay, it all lead me to humility. We are nothing before God and that is a humbling thought. When i start to think that i know what is best for me and when i begin to falter in my trust of the Lord Almighty, i will remember that i am mere clay in His hands. and He has absolute sovereignty to do whatever he so wishes with me.

Proverbs 11:2; 1 Peter 5:5-6; James 4:10



  Jeremiah 18:2-6  “Go down to the potter’s shop, and I will speak to you there.” So I did as he told me and found the potter working at his wheel. But the jar he was making did not turn out as he had hoped, so he crushed it into a lump of clay again and started over. Then the Lord gave me this message:  “O Israel, can I not do to you as this potter has done to his clay? As the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand. Oh how He wants to reshape us! We are so marred and ugly and cracked. And He just wants to scoop us up in his mighty hands, and mold us into the perfect and beautiful vessel that He intended for us to be. Because there are treasures, sweet, precious treasures, in our plain ol jars of dirty, dusty clay! (2 Corinthians 4:7-18)

Lord, I pray that you help me accept my position as clay in your hands. I want to be soft clay. malleable clay, moldable clay. throw away all of the hard clay that has been so caked around my heart this week. you can't do anything with dry clay. I surrender my own will, my own desires and my own questions and assumptions to Your will. Mold me and make me into a servant for you, humble in spirit and truth. Lord break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I have is for your kingdom's cause. Thank you for being an almighty and powerful God who is in control of everything, because I can't do this life on my own.

i should be...

i have to be completely honest. so much of me wants to sit, all day long, and cry. some days i really would like to just stay in my bed. i don't even want to open my eyes and face the day. though it has been a little over a month since kristopher...(i have no idea what to put here. since he was born? or since he died? i dont want to have to choose), i feel like time has just stood completely still. i feel like i am still sitting in the hospital trying to process all of this. but i'm not. time has gone by, just as it always does. and even though the events of the last month are so raw, i have learned a lot about what to do with my circumstances. i have come to realize that if i do what i want to, such as lay in bed all day, i am giving satan free reign to do whatever he wants to with my soul. i have been called to this earth to be an ambassador for Christ. I am His messenger, His light, His testimony, the proof that He exists. and if i hide in my house all day, moping and groaning, i cannot fulfill that job. i cannot be the woman that God has called me to be if i focus on myself. i can't help others in need if i can't see past my own pain. i have realized that everybody has some kind of pain in their lives. everybody. and even though it may not "seem" as "bad" as my pain in my mind, it doesn't matter. it very well may be the worst pain THEY have ever been through. and if i hide away, i could be missing a very important opportunity to show them what Christ is doing in my life, even through the pain. it is turning out to be a very hard lesson learned. easier said than done. but on the days that i give my burden to God and let Him fight for me, i go to bed feeling so blessed and peaceful. and let me tell you something, the peace that comes from God is truly a peace that passes all understanding.(1) the Bible doesn't just say that to make us hope there is a peace like that out there somewhere. it really does exist. it's a peace that we can't even begin to understand or comprehend. i am so thankful for that peace. but...like i said...easier said than done most days.

let me first say that i truly believe grief is a blessing from God. grief is an opportunity to truly get honest with God and find out the questions you are searching for. the why's, how's, when's and what's. God wants more than anything for us to come to him for those questions. he understands our confusion, and yes, our anger. he's been there, he knows what grief is all about. but as long as we are still coming to His throne to find the answers, we can't go wrong. it's when we give up on looking to God for the answers and choose to fall into a pit of grief that we can't climb out of, that we fail to grasp the true blessing that is inside of the grief process.

satan tries to take something that is from God, such as grief and turn it into one of his tools to trap us, to build strongholds around our souls. it's not the circumstances that we battle. it's not the death of a loved one, the overwhelming illness, the financial hardships, or the unexpected adversities that we are battling against. those are all part of life. plain and simple. and life happens. sometimes we know why, and sometimes we don't. but through it all, it's not those situations at all that we fight. it's not the people that hurt us that we fight either. it's not the friend that betrays you, the spouse that hurt your feelings, the parent that isn't there, or the fellow Christian who is a hypocrite that we should be holding a grudge against. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.(2)" in all of our circumstances, trials, suffering, and tragedies, the only one that we can cast blame on is satan. he is the one that uses people, places, ideas and assumptions to invade our hearts and make us believe that someone or something else is to blame. and when he really gets his way, if we allow him to do what he wants, that blame more often than not falls on God. which is totally opposite from everything we learn in scripture. and when you realize that, the why's don't seem so important anymore. the "why has this happened" turns into "what can i do about it or how can i overcome it?"


i've come to notice a few keywords or phrases that make me realize i'm slipping into a trap. "i should be, would be, could be" are all some of them. i should be holding a baby right now, i should be complaining that i can't sleep because a baby keeps waking me up, not because i'm awake thinking about how i don't even have a baby. i should be showing my new baby off in his adorable new baby clothes at church instead of longing to hold every stranger's baby that i see. i should be shielding my fragile newborn from the dangerous rays of the sun, and enjoying myself fully instead of sulking in the fact that i dont and completely missing the beauty of this moment watching my full-of-life 3 year old on the beach. he would be a month old, i should be finding out how much he has grown. i could be, i should be, i would be. over and over. it's always something. and each time one of those little phrases creeps into my mind, it digs me deep. it's not ever just a passing thought or a fleeting memory. it's a sand spur that digs itself into my very soul and causes chaos in my punctured flesh. each initial thought, turns into an entire cascade of i should be's until i'm in a heap of tears on the floor, gasping for air because my life is not at all what i thought it should be or hoped it would be. and it is so easy to dwell on those things. it's so easy to welcome them in becausepart of the grieving process is grieving all the things that should have been that never will be. but God has something so much better available to us. God gives us the process of grief as a way to heal. Grief is not meant to be something that digs us deeper and deeper into a pit.

i think God designed grief as a way to seek him honestly. let's face it, how many times do we really feel comfortable asking God the tough questions. We have this fear of God that tells us if we stand up to Him at all, we may get struck by lightening. i shouldn't dare question God, because well, He is God and i'm just an ant in His world. but that's so very untrue. but that's what we think sometimes. or at least i do. and i have never met a braver and bolder person before God, than a person who is grieving. anger meets anguish and the courage is increased one hundred fold. and we aren't afraid to ask the hard questions. because we demand to know why. we want to know the truth. we're not afraid of yelling at God because it hurts. Jesus himself cried out in agony asking God if there was another way and believed that His father had left Him.(3) but if we truly approach the throne of grace with a pure heart, as someone who loves God deeply, but earnestly wants to know peace, it's amazing how hard He will fight to reveal to us exactly what we NEED. and i capitalize need, because it's not always the answer we want. but the truth He provides is always what we need.

When we understand where all bad things come from, which is satan if we need a review, it is only then that we can embrace grief for the beautiful gift that only God can give. For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine (mighty) power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension, that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.(4)  Friends, we are not left alone to fight the devil on our own! God equips us with weapons, mighty mighty weapons, to fight with. Weapons that DEMOLISH arguments, theories, speculations, reasoning, assumptions, and every evil thought. we don't have to wait around on God to do that for us. WE have that power, through His death on a cross. we don't have to let satan take those precious areas of our lives. (can you tell this is exciting me?!) we don't have to let him dictate how we react to our circumstances. because what happens when we do allow him into our lives? the Bible says that the enemy comes to steal (joy), kill (relationships) and destroy (passion). when we give him power, the moment we begin to give in to those "should be's, would be's and could be's, the deeper we let him take us down into a pit, the more we are going to take it out on those that we love. our joy will disappear, our relationships will suffer and our passion and fire for Christ will be devoured. but Jesus says, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the fullest."(5) we don't have to wail and mourn as if we had no hope. because we do. what a beautiful hope we have! our present sufferings are not WORTH comparing to the future glory that will be revealed!(6)  they aren't worth it! to dwell on our sufferings is a waste of time! if our true purpose is to serve God, to worship Him, and to further His kingdom,(7) then it really is a waste of time to dwell on our problems. which aren't really problems at all if we put it into that perspective. For in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us. He doesn't say just conquerors. He says MORE than conquerors.(8)

maybe this is a chance for me, a divine opportunity, to tell the world who Jesus is to me. because in the end, that's all that matters. it's not how many kids i have, it's not what kind of parent i am. in the end, all that is going to matter is who Jesus is in my life. and do i walk, talk and breathe to prove who He is to me. because if i'm sitting here crying because of what i don't have, that doesn't prove to you anything about the Lord. in fact, if i sit here and cry because of what i don't have, am i not saying that Jesus really isn't who i have said He is. if i can't depend on Him in my own tragedy, how can i help someone else in need? i'm not just here preaching these things because it's what the Bible tells me to do, i'm here able to say all of this because i am living it. every moment of every day. i am the Lord's testimony. and it is my honor to be able to share the God of the universe, who knows my name, who loves me for who i am, who died for me, so that i might live throughout eternity with Him....and with my baby.

We are in battle people. everyday, a fierce battle. and if you don't realize that, if you can't feel that battle within your soul, then chances are, you are fighting for the wrong team. just sayin. if satan can keep us out of the truth, if he can keep us in that pit of should be's, and keep us believing that we have nothing to fight for, that we aren't worth it, then he will continue to keep us deceived. we will forever be trapped in those strongholds that he has placed around us. get in the Word. scripture is God's most powerful weapon against satan and we have it at our fingertips. if you were a soldier in afghanistan, you wouldn't dare go out on a mission without your gun. why would we as a Christian even think about going out into the world....work, school, marriage, parenthood....our battlefields, without our most valuable weapon? do not be deceived into thinking that you can do this on your own. don't think for one second that you are immune to the attacks of the evil forces of this world. Jesus himself battled satan and if he was brave enough to approach God himself, you better believe he's going to head after you. it's not easy. there is nothing easy about being a Christian, and easy is what you signed up for, then you're in for a surprise. there was nothing easy about the betrayal, the lies, the accusations, the ridicule, the beatings and ultimately his death on that cross, but he did it. he did it for you. and for me.  that in itself is worthy enough for me to fight to my death against satan. and just because i fight doesn't mean i will always win. i will fail, and i will slip and let one foot fall into a pit every now and then. heck i may even fall all the way in again at some point. but the good news is that even if i don't win today, my Lord has already won the victory. and if i fail today, tomorrow is a new day. a fresh start. i don't have to be perfect, but i have to try. the first step of success is showing up. will you show up and let God use you today?


1.) Philippians 4:73    2.) Ephesians 6:12    3.) Matthew 26:42 & Matthew 27:45      4.) 2  Corinthians 10:3-5      

5.) John 10:10        6.)Romans 8:18           7.) Matthew 22:36-40       8.) Romans 8:37

i want to say a special thank you to melanie fell, i don't know if she'll read this or not. but if you do, thank you so much for being obedient to Christ and speaking the word that he gives you. i know it's not "normal" for you to be speaking at Selah, but i know that for the past 3 weeks, you have been right where God wants you. 

three weeks ago

the last time i visited this blog, my world, my life was completely different. i hate that i didn't write more back then, when the world was right. i know i didn't think it was "right" but looking back, it was the closest to "right" i've had in a long time. it's so hard for me to take the time to sit down and spell my feelings out in words. i have wanted to so badly at times. some of you know, some of you don't, but i had the opportunity this past winter to meet my biological father. and over the course of the following months we got to know each other and i met his family, my family. we all formed a bond immediately. God orchestrated the events well, and as time passed, we realized that more and more.  with that being said, i still struggled at times, to find the answers to all the questions in my head and precautions i had about how much i wanted to put into this new relationship. as happy as i was to have met this side of who i am, i was nervous, anxious and even a little bit scared about getting in too deep with this new family. but on the 4th of july, which happens to be my favorite holiday, i got a call from my little sister. this man that i had begun to open my heart up to, had been in an accident, and he was gone.

i could go on and on about my feelings about mike, his life, his death and our twisted path of fate. but that's not why i chose to write about him right now. i bring all of that up because it was mike that encouraged me to write. I wrote so that he could know a little more about who i am. i wanted him to know the real me, the me that i can't really portray through conversation. the me that i can only offer through the words i can write in the privacy of a dark room with a candle burning. one of the first things he would always say when he called was, "you haven't written anything in a while."  i wish i had listened more. i wish i had taken his advice and written more often. and i know that now, in my time of need, that would be his advice to me. if i were to say, "mike, what do i do? where do i go from here?" his very words would be, "i think you should write." so here i am.

three weeks ago, i was pregnant. 37 weeks, 2 days, to be exact. three weeks ago, i was decorating a nursery and flipping out because i just knew i was going to go into labor before i had everything, down to the last bib ready and washed. and i just couldn't have that. everything had to be perfect when i brought my little boy, kristopher home. three weeks ago, i could have never imagined that when i went to the hospital because i didn't feel my baby kicking and moving around like he should have been, that i would have faced what i did. three weeks ago, i never would have thought i would have to say goodbye to my baby, before i even got to say hello. three weeks ago, my life was perfect. and now, it's a mess of shattered dreams and a heart broken into a million pieces.

the nurse strapped the monitor on my belly and said "let's see why little baby wanted mommy to be up at this hour." it was 1:30 am. i had tossed and turned in my mind about whether to go to the hospital until i just couldn't take it and decided to go. looking back now, i realize how ridiculous it was to even debate the issue. i think maybe my heart knew the outcome and my mind just didn't want to wrap itself around it. actually in hindsight, i should have gone in way before it got to the point of "what do i do if i go and the baby is gone?" i should have gone at the first moment that "this is not normal" entered my mind. why i didn't, is a question i will always ask myself and a burden that I am praying the Lord takes away from me.

there was no heartbeat. two fetal monitors, a doppler, and two ultrasounds confirmed my worst nightmare. sadly, it took that much to confirm that. my head knew the truth after the nurse couldn't find the heartbeat after the first 5 seconds, but my heart held on to what little hope i had until the doctor himself finally sat on my bed, and told me what i already knew and was dreading to hear. and even then i'm not sure i truly grasped it. i had heard the news before. twice actually. "i'm so sorry ma'am but there isn't a heartbeat." and both of those times i thought my world was caving in on me. but even though those miscarriages at 9 weeks and 6 weeks broke my heart, they didn't hold a candle to this. i had spent 9 months with this child. he had an identity. he had a name. i already knew some of his likes and dislikes, just from his behavior in my womb. i knew things about him that no one else knew. he could touch me and i could touch him. i nourished him, and he grew. i spoke to him, and he could hear me. not only could he hear me, he responded. we lived an entire lifetime together that was sacred, just me and him. i had gotten to the point that i was so excited to meet him, yet so sad to give up that special relationship that he and i had, that i would never be able to get back. i never dreamed that that lifetime, would be the only time with him on this earth. what turned out to be the next 3 days in the hospital, were very easily the worst 3 days of my life.

i am so glad that i don't live in the old days when stillbirth was taboo and never spoken about. babies were whisked away before the family even got a chance to see them. i not only got to see kristopher, i got to hold him. as much as i wanted. and that time with him, i treasure more than anything in this world. even though he was not there, his beautiful vessel of life gave me the more comfort than anything else.

i walked into the hospital joking with justin about how funny it would be if we ended up having to stay at the hospital and have the baby overnight and call the family in the morning and say "surprise! kristopher is here!"  and instead we had to call our family and tell them that they had lost a grandson, a nephew, a cousin, and a brother. and i walked out of that hospital with empty arms and an empty heart.

i am learning a lot through this journey of grief. i am learning first of all, about myself. who i was, who i am, and who i want to be.  i'm learning about the unbreakable bond of family and what it means to be a friend.  whether it is being there and crying with me, or understanding when i need them to go away because i need to be alone, my true friends have really come shining through and the tapestry of  my family has become more tightly woven. but most importantly, i'm learning about God. who He is, how much He loves me, and how much i desperately need Him.

tender words to the tired heart

"Brook Besor. Don’t feel bad if you’ve never heard of the place. Most haven’t, but more need to. The Brook Besor narrative deserves shelf space in the library of the worn-out. It speaks tender words to the tired heart.
The story emerges from the ruins of Ziklag. David and his six hundred soldiers return from the Philistine war front to find utter devastation. A raiding band of Amalekites had swept down on the village, looted it, and taken the women and children hostage. The sorrow of the men mutates into anger, not against the Amalekites, but against David. After all, hadn’t he led them into battle? Hadn’t he left the women and children unprotected? Isn’t he to blame? Then he needs to die. So they start grabbing stones.
This could be his worst hour.
But he makes it one of his best.
David redirects the men’s anger toward the enemy. They set out in pursuit of the Amalekites. Keep the men’s weariness in mind. They still bear the trail dust of a long campaign and haven’t entirely extinguished their anger at David. They don’t know the Amalekites’ hideout, and, if not for the sake of their loved ones, they might give up.
Indeed, two hundred do. The army reaches a brook called Besor, and they dismount. Soldiers wade in the creek and splash water on their faces, sink tired toes in cool mud, and stretch out on the grass. Hearing the command to move on, two hundred choose to rest. “You go on without us,” they say.
How tired does a person have to be to abandon the hunt for his own family?
The church has its quorum of such folks. Good people. Godly people. Only hours or years ago they marched with deep resolve. But now fatigue consumes them. They’re exhausted. So beat-up and worn down that they can’t summon the strength to save their own flesh and blood. Old age has sucked their oxygen. Or maybe it was a deflating string of defeats. Divorce can leave you at the brook. Addiction can as well. Whatever the reason, the church has its share of people who just sit and rest.
And the church must decide. What do we do with the Brook Besor people? Berate them? Shame them? Give them a rest but measure the minutes? Or do we do what David did? David let them stay.
He and the remaining four hundred fighters resume the chase.
David and his men swoop down upon the enemy like hawks on rats. Every Israelite woman and child is rescued. Every Amalekite either bites the dust or hits the trail, leaving precious plunder behind. David goes from scapegoat to hero, and the whooping and hollering begin.
And what about the two hundred men who had rested?
You might feel the way some of David’s men felt: “Because they did not go with us, we will not give them any of the spoil that we have recovered, except for every man’s wife and children” (1 Sam. 30:22).
A Molotov cocktail of emotions is stirred, lit, and handed to David. Here’s how he defuses it: “Don’t do that after what the Lord has given us. He has protected us and given us the enemy who attacked us. Who will listen to what you say? The share will be the same for the one who stayed with the supplies as for the one who went into battle. All will share alike.” (30:23–24 NCV)
Note David’s words: they “stayed with the supplies,” as if this had been their job. They hadn’t asked to guard supplies; they wanted to rest. But David dignifies their decision to stay.
David did many mighty deeds in his life. He did many foolish deeds in his life. But perhaps the noblest was this rarely discussed deed: he honored the tired soldiers at Brook Besor.
Someday somebody will read what David did and name their church the Congregation at Brook Besor. Isn’t that what the church is intended to be? A place for soldiers to recover their strength?
If you are listed among them, here is what you need to know: it’s okay to rest. Jesus is your David. He fights when you cannot. He goes where you cannot. He’s not angry if you sit. Did he not invite, “Come off by yourselves; let’s take a break and get a little rest” (Mark 6:31 MSG)?
Brook Besor blesses rest.
Brook Besor also cautions against arrogance. David knew the victory was a gift. Let’s remember the same. Salvation comes like the Egyptian in the desert, a delightful surprise on the path. Unearned. Undeserved. Who are the strong to criticize the tired?
Are you weary? Catch your breath. We need your strength.
Are you strong? Reserve passing judgment on the tired. Odds are, you’ll need to plop down yourself. And when you do, Brook Besor is a good story to know."











 what comforting words. we don't always have to be strong. when we are tired, the Lord is strong. he can accomplish tasks and challenges that we simply cannot. and sometimes, the best thing we can do is just sit down, and let Him work. His glory shines through the brightest during our weaknesses. whatever we are going through, when it seems like life can't get any worse, think of Jesus, trudging up that hill, beaten to unrecognition, struggling to carry that cross on his back, hanging in agony as he took his last breaths, and then you can put your situation into perspective. and rest assured that when there is something we can't handle, God can. he already did, and it was called Calvary.

God truly shines in our weakness

"Be sure that the ins and outs of your individuality are no mystery to Him & one day they will no longer be a mystery to you."


I love how God works subtly in my life. I have been struggling with this very topic lately and he slipped these in a little twitter message this morning and just made my day. 

most days, i go through life trying to be as positive as i can. i am a very optimistic person.  i can sit down and chat with anybody about their problems in life and find an encouraging word to say. i can look at my own life and throw away worries and remind myself to just 'trust in the Lord' and everything will turn out fine. even if it's bad in my eyes, it doesn't matter, because God is in control and he can use my reaction to bad things to speak to other people. how i became that way, i really don't know. maybe it was just easier for me to "counsel" other people, than to face my own realities. so much so that i'm not sure i ever learned how to face my realities. optimism is the only way i know to look at a problem in my life. i am always searching for the silver lining and how to see the glass as half full. 


but then night time comes. time for bed. by the time i get in bed and lay my head on the pillow, i am so tired that falling asleep should be a no brainer for my body. but for some reason, i struggle with falling asleep. it takes me a good 30 min to sometimes 2 hours to fall asleep. my mind wanders to a million places, and i fight so hard to keep away the bad thoughts that creep in late at night, when i'm exhausted, and i've fought so hard all day to keep them away. but in those moments, i have a hard time being strong, but because i don't know of any other way to cope with those feelings, i shine them out with rainbows and puppies. 


but i've began questioning myself the past week or so. why is it exactly that i refuse to let myself feel those feelings. why can't i even think those thoughts. they get just to the surface, but i slam the door as hard as i can before i can figure out exactly what that thought is trying to say. and i think i've figured out that it has a lot to do with fear. and doubt. the two things that i preach so much about. the two very things that i know have absolutely no use. nothing at all in this world can be accomplished through fear and doubt. but i've learned that i'm so afraid to think those thoughts because i'm so afraid that if i as much as think them in my head that they will be a reality. i push those thoughts away because i know the "right" way to think, i know the churchy answer to all my questions. so i force myself to dwell on those things, rather than what my heart truly wants to cry out. 


some of you may ask, what is the problem in that? i wish that i were able to just shut out every bad thing. but honestly, i'm not really shutting them out. i am still allowing them to creep in, but i'm just too scared to face my thoughts head on and say "get the heck out of dodge. you aren't welcomed here." there are things in my heart that i am so scared of, that i can't even talk to God about them. and what is the point in that?? God already knows exactly what those thoughts are, so if i refuse to talk to him about them, isn't that a sign of distrust? i trust God with everything else in my life, except for my fears and doubts. i am scared that if i let him know what i'm thinking that he won't protect me from those things. but all i'm really doing is being dishonest with him and telling him that i don't fully trust him with 100% of everything in my life.


i'm learning that the only way i am going to be able to conquer my fears, is to be completely open and honest about them with God. the one who already knows. he is there, ready and willing to help me find victory over these thoughts, actually he is willing to conquer them FOR me. but i have to begin by being honest with him about what i'm dealing with. and in doing so, by actually speaking my fears, and saying 'here it is God, I need your help', i can begin to understand why i feel that way and how i can overcome it. yes, these thoughts and fears are such a mystery to me, and i have no idea how to deal with them, but if i can start letting God play an active role in those, they won't be a mystery to me much longer. 


i am learning that i don't always have to be the strong one. i don't always have to have it all together. there will be times when my heart aches and i feel things that i dont want to. there will be times when i'm scared. very scared. there will be times when i'm confused and i don't know what to do. there will be times when the weight of the world will bring me to my knees. i know this because Jesus went through those same things too. when faced with death on a cross and bearing the weight of all the sins of all the world of all time, he got scared. he became weak. he asked his Father if there was another way. and if my perfect and holy Savior can be honest with his Father about his fears and worries, so can i. and the same God who picked up his very own Son, will pick me up too. the same God who cried with Jesus, will cry with me too. and the same God who raised Jesus from the dead, will lift me up on His wings. and he will carry me when i can't carry myself. i don't have to be strong all the time, because God is always strong. he never falters. he never loses his step. while my yoke is heavy, his burden is light. it's nothing to him, and he wants me to not only be honest about my struggles, he wants me to bring them to him. not try and hide them away and act like they don't exist. there is nothing in this world that we can just hide away and it not come back to haunt us later on. especially dirty clothes thrown into a closet. they don't just disappear...


i spend so much time being strong for the other people in my life, and most of the time, i feel like there is no one around that i can be honest with about my weaknesses. i know that will upset some people and maybe even hurt feelings, because i have been so tremendously blessed with amazing people in my life that have been there for me through my worst, and i do know that they are always there. but i have to be honest, it's hard for me to be completely honest with myself, much less other people. i worry about being a burden. and so therefore, i hide my weaknesses and keep moving forward as a rock for those around me. it's where i find solace. but in these wee small hours when i try to close my eyes, and i feel like there is nobody in the world that can handle my weakness, instead of pushing them away because i don't know how to deal with it, i can find comfort that it's ok to be weak. and it's ok to be honest in my fears and "wrong" feelings, because when i am weak, He is strong. even when i think i'm strong, he is stronger. i can't be afraid of my feelings, because if i'm going to talk about trusting God, i need to live it also. and i can't live it, unless i face my fears. and truthfully, when i think about the people that have had the most impact on my life, it has been through their weaknesses that God spoke to me. and how they found their strength through those scary times is what encourages me. so i shouldn't be so scared of weakness, because God creates the most beautiful paintings through it.


"God's demand for perfection need not discourage you in your attempts to be good, or your failures. When you fall He'll pick you up again."

maybe i will be able to fall asleep quickly from now on.