God truly shines in our weakness

"Be sure that the ins and outs of your individuality are no mystery to Him & one day they will no longer be a mystery to you."


I love how God works subtly in my life. I have been struggling with this very topic lately and he slipped these in a little twitter message this morning and just made my day. 

most days, i go through life trying to be as positive as i can. i am a very optimistic person.  i can sit down and chat with anybody about their problems in life and find an encouraging word to say. i can look at my own life and throw away worries and remind myself to just 'trust in the Lord' and everything will turn out fine. even if it's bad in my eyes, it doesn't matter, because God is in control and he can use my reaction to bad things to speak to other people. how i became that way, i really don't know. maybe it was just easier for me to "counsel" other people, than to face my own realities. so much so that i'm not sure i ever learned how to face my realities. optimism is the only way i know to look at a problem in my life. i am always searching for the silver lining and how to see the glass as half full. 


but then night time comes. time for bed. by the time i get in bed and lay my head on the pillow, i am so tired that falling asleep should be a no brainer for my body. but for some reason, i struggle with falling asleep. it takes me a good 30 min to sometimes 2 hours to fall asleep. my mind wanders to a million places, and i fight so hard to keep away the bad thoughts that creep in late at night, when i'm exhausted, and i've fought so hard all day to keep them away. but in those moments, i have a hard time being strong, but because i don't know of any other way to cope with those feelings, i shine them out with rainbows and puppies. 


but i've began questioning myself the past week or so. why is it exactly that i refuse to let myself feel those feelings. why can't i even think those thoughts. they get just to the surface, but i slam the door as hard as i can before i can figure out exactly what that thought is trying to say. and i think i've figured out that it has a lot to do with fear. and doubt. the two things that i preach so much about. the two very things that i know have absolutely no use. nothing at all in this world can be accomplished through fear and doubt. but i've learned that i'm so afraid to think those thoughts because i'm so afraid that if i as much as think them in my head that they will be a reality. i push those thoughts away because i know the "right" way to think, i know the churchy answer to all my questions. so i force myself to dwell on those things, rather than what my heart truly wants to cry out. 


some of you may ask, what is the problem in that? i wish that i were able to just shut out every bad thing. but honestly, i'm not really shutting them out. i am still allowing them to creep in, but i'm just too scared to face my thoughts head on and say "get the heck out of dodge. you aren't welcomed here." there are things in my heart that i am so scared of, that i can't even talk to God about them. and what is the point in that?? God already knows exactly what those thoughts are, so if i refuse to talk to him about them, isn't that a sign of distrust? i trust God with everything else in my life, except for my fears and doubts. i am scared that if i let him know what i'm thinking that he won't protect me from those things. but all i'm really doing is being dishonest with him and telling him that i don't fully trust him with 100% of everything in my life.


i'm learning that the only way i am going to be able to conquer my fears, is to be completely open and honest about them with God. the one who already knows. he is there, ready and willing to help me find victory over these thoughts, actually he is willing to conquer them FOR me. but i have to begin by being honest with him about what i'm dealing with. and in doing so, by actually speaking my fears, and saying 'here it is God, I need your help', i can begin to understand why i feel that way and how i can overcome it. yes, these thoughts and fears are such a mystery to me, and i have no idea how to deal with them, but if i can start letting God play an active role in those, they won't be a mystery to me much longer. 


i am learning that i don't always have to be the strong one. i don't always have to have it all together. there will be times when my heart aches and i feel things that i dont want to. there will be times when i'm scared. very scared. there will be times when i'm confused and i don't know what to do. there will be times when the weight of the world will bring me to my knees. i know this because Jesus went through those same things too. when faced with death on a cross and bearing the weight of all the sins of all the world of all time, he got scared. he became weak. he asked his Father if there was another way. and if my perfect and holy Savior can be honest with his Father about his fears and worries, so can i. and the same God who picked up his very own Son, will pick me up too. the same God who cried with Jesus, will cry with me too. and the same God who raised Jesus from the dead, will lift me up on His wings. and he will carry me when i can't carry myself. i don't have to be strong all the time, because God is always strong. he never falters. he never loses his step. while my yoke is heavy, his burden is light. it's nothing to him, and he wants me to not only be honest about my struggles, he wants me to bring them to him. not try and hide them away and act like they don't exist. there is nothing in this world that we can just hide away and it not come back to haunt us later on. especially dirty clothes thrown into a closet. they don't just disappear...


i spend so much time being strong for the other people in my life, and most of the time, i feel like there is no one around that i can be honest with about my weaknesses. i know that will upset some people and maybe even hurt feelings, because i have been so tremendously blessed with amazing people in my life that have been there for me through my worst, and i do know that they are always there. but i have to be honest, it's hard for me to be completely honest with myself, much less other people. i worry about being a burden. and so therefore, i hide my weaknesses and keep moving forward as a rock for those around me. it's where i find solace. but in these wee small hours when i try to close my eyes, and i feel like there is nobody in the world that can handle my weakness, instead of pushing them away because i don't know how to deal with it, i can find comfort that it's ok to be weak. and it's ok to be honest in my fears and "wrong" feelings, because when i am weak, He is strong. even when i think i'm strong, he is stronger. i can't be afraid of my feelings, because if i'm going to talk about trusting God, i need to live it also. and i can't live it, unless i face my fears. and truthfully, when i think about the people that have had the most impact on my life, it has been through their weaknesses that God spoke to me. and how they found their strength through those scary times is what encourages me. so i shouldn't be so scared of weakness, because God creates the most beautiful paintings through it.


"God's demand for perfection need not discourage you in your attempts to be good, or your failures. When you fall He'll pick you up again."

maybe i will be able to fall asleep quickly from now on.