how do we get so lost?

i'm not sure why, but clicking the "new post" button on this blog is a little bit of a daunting task for me. i have been thinking all day about what i wanted to write. i thought i knew last night after i published the first post, and then when i woke up this morning, i had a new idea. and then on the way to the grocery store, i heard a song, and it sent me whirling in another direction. and then during my Bible study time, (nap time for stephen, no longer equals naptime for mommy....) the topic of discussion opened a new window. and finally, as i sat here, staring at the "new post" button for about 10 minutes, i made the decision to do what i always do when i don't know what to say. i just have to say something. if i can get started, i can usually find my way through my thoughts. i might venture down a few paths, and then change my mind, delete and start over. but i just have to get started. i have to make myself available, right? so as i sat there, i realized that i was just staring at the screen and i wondered to myself, why am i sitting here. then i moved the mouse to the "new post" button and paused for a minute, and finally hit the mouse button as hard as i could.

last night, i talked a little about my wilderness. how do we get to that point where we can look at ourselves in the mirror and not even recognize the face looking back at us? how do we get to the point when our lives are so different than they used to be? in revelation 2, God tells us that we have forsaken our first love. we have come to a place where God is not our first priority. we put our marriages first, we put our children first, we put our jobs first, and we put ourselves first. if God is not first in our lives, than something else is. it's not something that happens fast. the world doesn't ask us not to believe in Jesus at all, it just asks us for a little bit of our time. your Bible will be there, but this tv show is only on once. you need to watch it so that you know what everybody else is talking about tomorrow morning. you don't have to go to church every sunday. God will understand that you need the rest today. just this one time won't hurt anything. that christian radio station is getting boring, they play the same songs over and over. try listening to one of the main stream stations for a while. you can always switch back. oh, that movie isn't that bad. it's just a movie, you don't have to be a prude. go see it. see what all the fuss is about. the world didn't come to an end when you missed church last time, one more time isn't going to hurt. you know what, there is so much that we could do on sunday if we didn't have to go church. you don't have to go to church to be a good Christian right? i can worship God in my own way. it's boring anyway, i don't ever get anything out of church anymore.  i don't need anybody else. this isn't that hard. i can follow God on my own. all these other people's advice really isn't that outstanding. there are too many hypocrites at church, anyway. why would i want to listen to somebody that can't even keep their own life in order.

that is how it happens. the world takes away, moment by moment, one tiny little sin after another. and satan convinces us that just this one time won't hurt. "what nobody else knows won't hurt" little by little, we are drawn away, and we don't even realize the direction our life is going, until it's too late. God throws up stop signs, but we ignore them. we hear a convicting message at church, but the pastor wasn't talking about me. there are people who are way worse off than i am. i've got everything under control. we follow this path until our lives are spinning carelessly out of control and we can't possibly get a grip. and it gets to the point where it's just not worth it to try anymore, so we just keep going. we say, 'well i've gone this far. nothing can help me now. it would be pointless to try and change.' so we keep spiraling downward. and then suddenly everything is taken away from you. those people and things that you had put first in your life, it turns out they didn't put you first in their life. so you get hurt, you get let down. that job that valued you so much, that you put so much time into, has to let you go because they've run out of money. that relationship that you poured everything into crumbles. and before we know it we are left by ourselves, in the wilderness. everything is stripped away from you. your husband is halfway around the world fighting a war and you have no access to him. the people who you trusted, who you thought were your friends, really aren't the people you thought they were after all. people die, things are taken away, things change, and all you're left with is yourself. and by this time, you are so beat up and bruised, that you aren't worth anything to yourself at all. there is nothing you can possibly do to pick yourself up and keep moving. and finally, we are able to look up and as clear as day we can hear God say, "do i have your attention, yet?"

then what do we do? how do we carry on?

the Bible talks about repenting over and over and over again. but most of us take that as apologizing. saying i'm sorry and promising to never do it again. but the Bible never once mentions the word apologize. it says repent. my favorite description of repentance is about the interstate. I-40 west goes to memphis. everytime, all day, every day, it goes to memphis. when you're driving down I-40 west, and you end up in memphis, how can you throw your hands up and say 'how did i get in memphis??' the only way NOT to go to memphis, is to get off the interstate, turn around and start again in the other direction. that is how you repent. you pick yourself up, and turn around. and you don't look back. there is no i'm sorry in repentance. guilt is a part of it, most definitely, but unless you make a radical change, like physically getting off of the interstate and turning around, you are still going to go to memphis. everytime. you can't just say 'oops, i missed the exit for 65-S, i'm sorry' and hope that you still end up in huntsville.

but, i've done something too bad, there's no way that i can change. yes you can. there is nothing that God can't forgive, and there's nothing that he hasn't already forgiven. when Jesus died on the cross, he forgave every sin, for every person, for all the times. he died for that very moment that you have fallen to your knees and can't possibly get back up. you just have to show up. just like me with writing, you just have to get started. take that first step, repent, change your direction, and God will lead you through the rest. but we have to be available, and we have to be present.

In Matthew 6:33, God tells us to seek Him and His kingdom first, above all else. not top 10, or even top 5, but first. if we don't get that part right, everything else is going to be in disorder. if God isn't first, something or someone else will be. and it may be fine for a while, but eventually that something or someone is going to fail you. and when all of those things or ones are gone, and God is not first, you have nothing to hold onto. when you love God with all your heart and with all your mind and with all your essence, there's simply not room for anything else.


i'm going to go ahead and throw in that song that i heard today. i think it fits in well. funny how God can do that. :)