let the healing begin?

what if it's already begun....and you're just not really eager to catch up???

i never have really liked roller coasters. they make me want to vomit.

and the worst part about this one.....

i can't get off.

and maybe....

part of me doesn't really want to.

i don't know what to do with that.

i feel like, if i get off...

i might forget.

and i can't take that risk.

confusion...

overwhelming.

broken...the new series at church. "let the healing begin" was the title of this morning. we learned how we have to allow God into the brokenness, and let others know that we are broken, so that they can help us get to the point of allowing God into the brokenness. for healing.

God has done miraculous things in my life. he has brought me to a place, that 5 months ago, yes 5, i never dreamed i would be. He has healed parts of my heart that i didn't necessarily ask Him to heal. He has picked me up and spoken through me, and used me to reach others. i know that others hearts have been touched by God. they tell me. but somehow, even in the healing that has taken place, my head sees it, and my head understands it. i have encountered the God that i read about in the Bible. the God that i know, that i know, that i KNOW exists. my head has seen the miraculous things in my life. but my heart. oh my heart. my heart doesn't believe it sometimes. my heart is stuck, in the hospital room, holding my baby. my heart is stuck, on the floor, crying out to God. please help me Jesus. I can't do this without you. Jesus is helping, everyday. then why does it still hurt so bad. why can i not pick myself up off of this floor. literally. he sent angels to me today. and they carried me. but why. why do the things that i read and the things that i hear make sense in my head, but my heart refuses to listen.

i'm afraid. i dont want to listen. i don't want to let go of my broken heart. i'm fine with going throughout my day with a smile plastered on my face. everything is ok. i can pretend all day long. i can reach out to others and help them through their greatest needs. i can share Jesus to a dark and dying world. i can live with a God given purpose and do mighty things in His name. i'm fine with all that. really i am. but at the end of the day, when i crawl into bed, i long to go back to that place. to that cold sterile room, with my heart in my arms. where i could touch and feel and smell and see. that he was here, and he was real. he wasn't just a figment of my imagination. he was a part of me. he is a part of me. i never ever want to let that go. even with the ache that fills my heart with the thoughts and memories that flood my head. i need it, i crave it. i welcome the release of tears when they fall. it's like coming up out of the water and finally getting air.

sometimes i wonder. i don't think i'm very normal. to me it makes absolute and perfect sense. but i can see the looks of confused and worried faces of the kind souls reading this blog. i can feel their pity. and i can sense their pleas for the words to say. i don't remember what it was like to feel normal. i don't even know what is normal.

confusion...

overwhelming.