i have 2 children...

Today was a monumental day for me. extremely.

i know i've talked about it before, but when it comes time for me to answer the question of how many kids do i have...i choke. fear grips me and grief rips my heart out at the thought of what could have been, what should have been, and what is not. and so i slink back into my pit and put on a happy face and beam about my beautiful, brilliant, strong (i don't mention lonely, but oh so strong) 4 year old little boy named Stephen. oh my gosh i love that boy so much my heart wants to jump out of my chest sometimes! but underneath that outward prideful mama bear, there is a broken heart.

i have been talking to a friend of mine that i have known for years, and just found out that she lost her baby boy at 15 weeks. we have been sharing stories and feelings and emotions and on this particular subject, she told me that she tells everybody that asks her that she has two kids. and it shocked me at first, but after i talked to her more. it just made sense. why shouldn't i? how can i expect the people around me to not forget that Kristopher was real, if i don't speak of him myself. and i have had two friends that have come to me after finding out about what i've been through and have been so sorrowful that they didn't know sooner. and i only have myself to blame for that. all of these women have helped me realize that i don't have to be afraid of what i've gone through. i don't have to be worried that i'm going to scare people off or make them feel uncomfortable. because these ladies really do care about me, and they love me. and if they don't, then i don't really need to invest that much time in them. so with all that in mind, today.... it was different. and it was beautiful.

i began a new Bible study with some women from our church. *remember me talking about how important community of like minded believers is* well, of course on the first day, you don't get through too much more than all of the introductions. everyone was talking about what type of person they were, what kind of weather they liked, and of course how many kids they have. it came my turn and after *almost* chickening out, i stated my name and that i have two children. one of them is 4, and the other one is in Heaven. and just like that, it was out. in front of a lot of other people, some i did know, but most that i didn't. and guess what?! NOBODY ran out of the room. nobody looked at me weird. nobody did anything different than love me. in an instant.

my heart was flying the rest of that morning. it was like a hundred pound weight was lifted off of my shoulders!! i felt like i could breathe for the first time in a long time. i have to add that the week before during wednesday night women's group, as we were going around the table talking about a time when God had been near us, i spoke up about the time that God was not only near me, but when He was so close that He was carrying me. for the first time, in that setting, with the group of women that i sit with every week, since september. i was all heart a thumping and hands a shaking, but when i did, the beauty of being real, and transparent was evident.

since then, i have had not one, but two opportunities to minister to two separate families who have had an infant/child loss in their family. two ladies came across my path at work, and rather than run away for fear of bursting into tears, i spoke up. and i was honest. and the ministry that happened right there in the middle of a public store, was divine.

i realize that God has not brought me through this to keep it to myself. He has not brought me through this to shrink back in fear. no that is Satan's doing. and I refuse to let him beat me down anymore. God has brought me through this so that i can share it with the world. with those that are broken and hurting and that need to KNOW that God is there, and that there is HOPE!!!

thank you, so much to the women who have been there to support me and lift me up and encourage me. most of you have no idea that you have done those things, but you have. and if i ever get a chance to tell you, i will. thank you!!