if the room is dark....

"Christians are supposed to influence the world. 

No matter how dark it is, 

the darkness doesn't have the power to put out the light of even one candle. 

(light a candle in a dark room and see 

if you can get the darkness to overcome the soft glow of that candle.)

the darkness doesn't put out the light, the light fails. 

when you walk into a room, turn on the light and the bulb blows, 

you don't turn around and say, 'the darkness has killed another one!' 

you say, 'the light bulb blew!'

if the room is dark, it's not a victory of the darkness, it's a failure of the light. 

if your office, home, neighborhood is dark, it's a failure of the light that you are supposed to be. 

you may be in the office you are in because there are lost sheep that the shepherd wants to find. 

'But I'm not happy. Things aren't going the way I want them to.' 

Who cares?! 

It's not about you! 

It's about JESUS 

and the people that He died to save. 

Maybe,

we're not happy 

because we're not fulfilling the purpose that God has put us there for. 

Maybe 

we're not happy 

because we are seeking happiness 

rather than God."

-excerpt from Kairos "A Life Well Lived, Part 11" by Mike Glenn

what i've learned in a year

one year. 365 days since the worst day of my life. it's almost unbelievable. i will never be able to understand how time goes so fast and yet so slow, all at the same time. some days feel like they will never end, but then here i am standing here looking over the last YEAR of my life, feeling so helpless because it can't have been a year yet! Kristopher's "angel" birthday was monday. i've been so nervous about this day for a month. thursday and friday were difficult. i was at work and trying my best, not too successful, to handle the waging war within me. and saturday night was my hardest. i crawled into bed and i wept for a long time and justin and i stayed up very late talking about everything that we were and have been going through. sunday, i spent the whole day pretty much numb. i didn't linger around any one person or conversation for too long. i was scared to let myself feel or think anything because i wanted to appear normal in front of everyone around me. but inside, i was really wanting to scream. the hardest part of grief, for me, is having to live a "normal" life when there is absolutely nothing inside of you that feels normal. sunday night, i told stephen that the next day was kristopher's birthday of when he went to heaven. he got a little upset and told me that he wanted him to come play with his toys. so we talked for a while. i could have avoided the subject, but i wanted him to be a part of the day with me. he is his big brother, and i felt like he deserved to celebrate too. that night, during our bedtime prayers, stephen spoke the most beautiful prayer that i think i've ever heard. sometimes he sounds so mature for his age and he understands things on a level that i have a hard time accepting. i am so thankful that God is working in his life as well, because he teaches me so many things about my own faith. i love every bit of that ball of energy.

monday morning, i woke up at 4:21. kristopher was born at 4:35. i smiled as i thanked God for waking me up to remember him at that time. after i finally woke up and got going, i had a surprisingly good day. it went much better than i had ever expected it to. and i'm glad that i had been so emotional the few days before because i feel like it freed my soul to have a pleasant day on monday. i've spent the last three days going through all of the cards that i received over the last year. i still love reading them all. along with all the gifts i received in memory of kristopher. my heart is so full of love. we went and had lunch, and stephen got a special cookie to celebrate his baby brother's birthday. then that night, justin and i went out on a date to dinner and a movie. it was so refreshing to have some time alone, to just be quiet, and be together, and reflect. i am beyond thankful for this husband of mine. he is so special in so many ways. i love him deeply. more than i could have ever imagined. i went to bed monday night feeling peaceful and hopeful and thankful. i'm thankful that i have an extra reason to celebrate in august. and every year is just one more year closer to getting to see not only kristopher again, but also, my Lord. I am so excited.


so what have i learned in a year?

i have learned that grief is a process. every little moment, or milestone is a loss. and i have to grieve every single one of those losses. they are not just lumped into one big loss. they are individual and different and each one affects me a different way. for example, stephen is starting school this year. albeit, it's pre-k, and not kindergarden because he has a november birthday, it's still a huge milestone for us. he has been at home with me since he was born, minus the last few months that he has been with my mom while i work a few days a week. i was expecting to have a baby to keep my company and help me cope with him going to school this year, and i don't. that's a milestone that has hurt me when i didn't realize it would. something that i have to grieve before i can let go of it. milestones come up and i don't see them coming until they are here, and then wham. it's all part of grief.

i have learned that there is no right or wrong, no formula, no how to on grief. it is as individual as the person themselves. i can't look at how someone else has grieved and judge my grief based on them, and vice versa. i have learned that my grief is mine. and nobody can or should tell me how i should grieve, or when i should be done.
  i have learned that i am not alone in my grief. there are many many other people in the world that are experiencing, or have experienced the same grief. though each situation is different and individual, the pain of grief is the same. and there is some solace in knowing that you are not alone, even though at times the isolation you feel is choking.


i have learned that it's ok to be honest with myself. i shouldn't try to hide any kind of emotion. i am free to express my emotion in any way that is healthy for me and my family. in fact, i need to express my emotion to the best of my ability. expression is one of the best paths to healing.


i have learned that it's ok to be honest with people. i can't expect random strangers to know what is wrong with me at any given moment. it's ok to tell them about my situation. and if i don't, i can't get upset when they say something that might otherwise hurt me. if i haven't been honest with them, it is absurd to hold them accountable for the conversations they bring up. i have learned to be much more tolerable with other people that may or may not know about my situation. even if they know about it, they can't possibly know how i feel, and holding that expectation above their heads is completely unfair. there is a lot of freedom is lowering those expectations.


i have learned that people WILL move on. life does not stand still, as much as i would like it to. life goes on. people come and go, they grow, their families grow, their life changes, as does mine. even though i feel stuck in the past some days, my life is still changing. i have to go with it. it doesn't mean i have to forget. i will always remember. everyone else won't remember. it's ok. God has given this memory to me. it's personal. it's mine. i need to own it and let others live their life. because ultimately, i can't stop them. and it's unfair to want them to stop.


i have learned that grief is a journey. it's not something that ever goes away. by God's grace, your heart will heal, and you will be able to move on, but you will always be subject to those sudden small moments, fleeting as they may be, that rip open the scars and bring back all of the pain as harsh as it was in those first hours.

i have learned that i have a lot to learn. life is always full of one lesson after another. it keeps us fresh, on our toes. always looking, always seeking an answer. hopefully, always seeking the only One who can truly give us an answer.


I have learned that His strength is made perfect in our weakness. and He is worthy. oh, so worthy, of our praise, and adoration. "all of my life, in every season, You are still God, i have a reason to sing. i have a reason to worship" (desert song)

as i said earlier, i have spent the last couple of days, in the midst of getting stephen ready for school, going through many of my mementos of kristopher's life. i made a video of all of my memories. as a disclaimer, there are several pictures of kristopher in my video, so if you don't want to go there, i totally understand. but i am happy to share my memories with anyone that wants to remember with me.





thank you all for the wonderful support over the last year. i know the journey is not over for me, but i am so thankful i can look back with the perspective i have today and have hope for the future. something i never thought i would have again. God is good. so good!

Emotion Cycle of a Christian

Joy, Pain, Anger, Pity, Deliverance, Humility, Pride, Humility, Worshipful, Joy, Pain, etc.

I've been reading in the Psalms lately. The way my chronological Bible has them organized is by subject, sort of. The Psalms that are specific as to when they were written, were put in line with that story, but many of them have no specific indication of what circumstance they were written during, so the author categorized the rest. Right now, I am reading all of the Psalms of the "Troubled Soul" as they put it. I have been kind of taken aback at reading them all together. They are almost pathetic in a small way. This one in particular put a bad taste in my mouth at the time that I read it.

Vindicate me, O Lord, for I have led a blameless life; I have trusted in the Lord without wavering. Test me, O Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind; for your love is ever before me, and I walk continually in your truth. I do not sit with deceitful men, nor do I consort with hypocrites; I abhor the assembly of evildoers, and refuse to sit with the wicked. I wash my hands in innocence, and go about your altar, O Lord, proclaiming aloud your praise and telling of all your wonderful deeds. I love the house where you live, O Lord, the place where your glory dwells. Do not take away my soul along with the sinners, my life with bloodthirsty men, in whose hands are wicked schemes, whose right hands are full of bribes. But I lead a blameless life; redeem me and be merciful to me. My feet stand on level ground; in the great assembly I will praise the Lord.

My first reaction when I read this, I thought to myself 'How prideful of him to speak that way of himself! What exactly am I supposed to be learning from this? Doesn't this go against everything that the Bible teaches me about loving my enemies?' In some of the psalms David is very descriptive in how he asks God to kill and demolish his enemies. 'How can this be beneficial to read in scripture?' I thought. And in many other Psalms David pleads with God to rescue him, asking "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?" (Ps 13) I was getting discouraged reading through this stuff because, frankly, that's not the stuff I really want to read about. When I go to the Bible, I want to find encouragement, stuff to make me feel good. This was so depressing and downcast. Don't I have enough of that in my life already?

But then, I came across Psalm 43:

Vindicate me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation; rescue me from deceitful and wicked men. You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy? Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell. Then will I go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp, O God, my God.

As one of the first ones I read today, I thought 'Man, I don't know if I can read through a bunch of these depressing psalms again today. I can pretty much guess how they are all going to go, 'I am righteous, they are wicked. Destroy them, God. Why have you forgotten me? Enter some sort of praise because I am supposed to praise God. Rescue me, Lord.' But, then I read the last half of Psalm 43:

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

And immediately, I had that 'just been hit by a 2x4' feeling in my heart. How many times have I prayed prayers JUST like David? How many times have I begged and pleaded that God rescue me from my situation?  Or how many times have I presented my case to God, told him how I was so much more deserving than so and so or so and so? And asked why does this person prosper when they don't deserve it, and yet I do deserve it because I have done everything right. How many times have I cried out WHY, God? And how many times have I stomped my feet and said, 'This isn't fair!'? How many times have I poured self pity all over my prayers, in the midst of praise that I give with only half of my heart because I'm more concerned with my needs than how wonderful God is? And how many times has God stopped me right in the middle of those prayers of anguish and asked me, 'Why do you question me? Why do you not trust me? Have you not seen my miraculous signs in your life before? Put your hope back in me and watch what I will do.'

I finally understood why I needed to read these Psalms right now. Because I am on the exact same cycle of emotions with God as David is.

Joy, Pain, Anger, Pity, Deliverance, Humility, Pride....

I have stopped there. I haven't completed my cycle yet, and I need David to remind me of where I was, and what I've gone through, and to show me where I am now. I'm not sure why that particular Psalm spoke to me the way it did, because it's a lot like many of the other ones that he wrote. Maybe it's because I simply asked God to show me what He wanted me to glean from these scriptures. He did. He put me right back in the midst of my pain and sorrow, and helped me to understand exactly where David was coming from when he pleaded and cried all of those depressing prayers. It wasn't pride that drove him to say those things about himself or about his enemies. It was pain. Excruciating pain and sorrow. He had been driven out of his home by his own family, followers, and people that he had helped and trusted. They had betrayed him, and sought to kill him. He was alone and afraid and burdened. And broken.

Haven't I been there too? Too many times to count. I am so glad that David was so honest in his prayers, because it helps us know that 1. it's normal to have all of those emotions. Even David, the man after God's own heart, had the same rollercoaster of emotions that I have had and continue to have. And it helps us know that 2. God can handle our emotions. There is nothing that is too big for God, and He knows our hearts anyway, so we might as well be honest with him. When we are honest, at least we are communicating with him. When we aren't honest with Him, chances are we haven't even had a conversation with Him lately, and if we have, it wasn't genuine. and 3. it teaches us that everything in scripture is useful for something. We may sit and wonder, 'why in the world would God choose to put this in the Bible?' But be rest assured that there is a reason, and if you slow down to ask and really open your heart to figure out why, God will reveal to you why that particular scripture was meant to be read specifically by you, specifically at that time.

I know that emotions are not what define us as Christians. We are not supposed to base our faith on our emotions, because we know they are not stable. But we cannot deny our emotions. They come, whether we want them to or not. And I believe that God gave us our emotions. But it is what we do with our emotions that is important. Are we going to allow Satan to use our emotions against us? Slip into depression, or start drinking, or have "fits of rage", or last out at those we love the most. Or are we going to be honest and own up to what we feel? Are we truly going to seek God, even in our lowest, darkest, messiest situations that bring about the worst emotions ever? And when we truly seek God, are we going to be willing to accept whatever solution He has for us. Whether He rescues us right then, or makes us wait...are we humble enough to surrender what we want to what He knows we need? And then allow God to mold us and shape our emotions into something that will bring Him glory?


I am ready to move on to the humility and worship part of the cycle.

Where part of the cycle are you finding yourself in?

6 months

i'm going to start this post with the no-no words!!!

Kristopher *should be* turning 6 months old this month.

but today, i am using my no-no words, because it's.O.K.!!!

can you believe it?! can it really be that it's been SIX months since i held that sweet baby???? it feels like yesterday. i know that is such a "mother" thing to say, but for real, time goes faster and faster the older i get!

today, i celebrated! i gave it my all. because it's been 6 months of being carried by Jesus.

there is no sweeter place to be!

i can say that will absolute rest in my heart today.

i am celebrating the fact that i am standing today. i am celebrating the fact that even in the face of Satan himself, i DID.NOT. let him win. i celebrate the fact that i stand here today stronger, more absolute and more certain of my God than i have ever been in my life.

i am celebrating today, the fact that 6 months ago, i never ever ever thought i would be able to say these things today. and here i am. still standing. still smiling. albeit, still healing, but still whole!

God loves me, God is for me, and God is with me. (thanks, PT!)

Kristopher, I love you so so so much, beyond my own comprehension. and i miss you more than words could ever describe. but i am so proud to be your mommy and i am so grateful for your presence in my life. you have made me a better mama to your big brother, a better wife to your daddy, and just a better me. thank you for the strength you have given me. thank you for the perspective you have given me. but most of all, thank you for teaching me how to LOVE. i will never forget you, in half a year, a whole year, 5 years or 50. in the words of stephen and i's favorite book, "i'll love you forever, i'll like you for always, as long as i'm living, my baby you'll be!" i love you, baby!


p.s.
tomorrow, we celebrate a beautiful little life that came into this world 8 years ago! he was only here for 10 months but he made such a huge impact in this world. thank you Stephanie for being so brave and teaching me how to live again. happy birthday, little Jacob! if he and Kristopher are anything like Stephen and Matthew and Gabe, i know they are having a blast with Jesus!!!! <3

i have 2 children...

Today was a monumental day for me. extremely.

i know i've talked about it before, but when it comes time for me to answer the question of how many kids do i have...i choke. fear grips me and grief rips my heart out at the thought of what could have been, what should have been, and what is not. and so i slink back into my pit and put on a happy face and beam about my beautiful, brilliant, strong (i don't mention lonely, but oh so strong) 4 year old little boy named Stephen. oh my gosh i love that boy so much my heart wants to jump out of my chest sometimes! but underneath that outward prideful mama bear, there is a broken heart.

i have been talking to a friend of mine that i have known for years, and just found out that she lost her baby boy at 15 weeks. we have been sharing stories and feelings and emotions and on this particular subject, she told me that she tells everybody that asks her that she has two kids. and it shocked me at first, but after i talked to her more. it just made sense. why shouldn't i? how can i expect the people around me to not forget that Kristopher was real, if i don't speak of him myself. and i have had two friends that have come to me after finding out about what i've been through and have been so sorrowful that they didn't know sooner. and i only have myself to blame for that. all of these women have helped me realize that i don't have to be afraid of what i've gone through. i don't have to be worried that i'm going to scare people off or make them feel uncomfortable. because these ladies really do care about me, and they love me. and if they don't, then i don't really need to invest that much time in them. so with all that in mind, today.... it was different. and it was beautiful.

i began a new Bible study with some women from our church. *remember me talking about how important community of like minded believers is* well, of course on the first day, you don't get through too much more than all of the introductions. everyone was talking about what type of person they were, what kind of weather they liked, and of course how many kids they have. it came my turn and after *almost* chickening out, i stated my name and that i have two children. one of them is 4, and the other one is in Heaven. and just like that, it was out. in front of a lot of other people, some i did know, but most that i didn't. and guess what?! NOBODY ran out of the room. nobody looked at me weird. nobody did anything different than love me. in an instant.

my heart was flying the rest of that morning. it was like a hundred pound weight was lifted off of my shoulders!! i felt like i could breathe for the first time in a long time. i have to add that the week before during wednesday night women's group, as we were going around the table talking about a time when God had been near us, i spoke up about the time that God was not only near me, but when He was so close that He was carrying me. for the first time, in that setting, with the group of women that i sit with every week, since september. i was all heart a thumping and hands a shaking, but when i did, the beauty of being real, and transparent was evident.

since then, i have had not one, but two opportunities to minister to two separate families who have had an infant/child loss in their family. two ladies came across my path at work, and rather than run away for fear of bursting into tears, i spoke up. and i was honest. and the ministry that happened right there in the middle of a public store, was divine.

i realize that God has not brought me through this to keep it to myself. He has not brought me through this to shrink back in fear. no that is Satan's doing. and I refuse to let him beat me down anymore. God has brought me through this so that i can share it with the world. with those that are broken and hurting and that need to KNOW that God is there, and that there is HOPE!!!

thank you, so much to the women who have been there to support me and lift me up and encourage me. most of you have no idea that you have done those things, but you have. and if i ever get a chance to tell you, i will. thank you!!

IGNITE!!!

OH HOW HE LOVES US!!!!!

i just need to start out by saying how wonderfully, awesome and amazing God is. The last time I was here posting, I was so broken and confused. And since then, God has done incredible things for me. and i can't wait to tell you about it. i can barely type right now because i just want to blurt it all out and i'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts into writing!

first of all, community is so, so important. i never understood the absolute importance of fellowship until this past year of my life. and that is fellowship with kindred spirits, might i add. i have had much community with people that are different from me, women that don't believe the same things as i do, women who want me to agree to disagree with them on certain topics. and i'm not saying that you CAN'T have community with people who are different, but fellowship with others who share your heart for the same things, is imperative!! it is in that fellowship that i have discovered some of the most valuable treasures that God has tucked away in His Word. it was in this community of women that are trying to walk the same walk as i am, that i was able to utter some of the hardest words that i never thought i would have to say. it is in this community that i've learned that it's ok to be vulnerable. it's in this community that i've learned that it's ok to be REAL. i've learned that there is a TON of healing in having a group of people who you can share your most vulnerable self with and they are there to catch you when the breath gets knocked out of you. the ladies that have become so important to me, are ladies that i don't even know outside of church, some of them. but it's ok, because we're all in this together. and we all serve the same glorious God. and it's good.

this past weekend, our church had a 24 hour worship service, beginning at 7 pm on Friday night and lasting until 7 pm Saturday night. I decided from the time I heard about it, I was going to go, and I was going to give it all i had. i was in desperate need of just some time with Jesus. little did i know just how much i needed that though. i don't think i can accurately describe what happened throughout that night, but it was just what i needed. and i can say that ever since, my perspective is changed. for the first time in a long long time, i was able to worship God without holding anything back. i was there long enough to get past the initial barrier that i always seem to put up when i go into worship. it doesn't matter how genuine i am about wanting to be there, i always have a wall up around my heart and i almost always feel somewhat skeptical. and it seems like in normal worship time during church, i just barely get to the point where i can open up my crossed arms and be free and authentic, but then it's time to sit down and listen. but that night, i was able to let go. and i praised God, simply for who He is, and what He's done. the things that He deserves to be praised for. i was able to focus on Him rather than how much my heart hurt and how much i desperately needed his help. which i still do, but i think it's very important to be able to praise God for being God, nothing more, nothing less. because even if that's all we had, if he never bestowed blessings upon us, or if he never picked us up and healed our brokenness, He would still be worthy of praise, because He IS. I was able to fully surrender to His will and not even think about my own. as i sang, and as i listened, i heard scripture. and i wrote it down. and the phrases and lyrics that stuck out in my heart, i wrote them down. i stayed there all night friday night, and then i had to leave for work at about 8 on Saturday morning. i can't describe the feeling of emptiness i had while i was away. i couldn't think about anything but how i felt in those moments and all i wanted was to go back. so i did, when i got off work. and i wasn't even tired! i was more awake that night than i am after i get 10 hours of sleep! i really can't describe what happened in that room, but i left a different person.

i just want to share what God spoke to my heart during this time. it might sound like jibber jabber, but it's just too exciting to me not to share.

You won't relent until You have it all...my heart is Yours. Come be the fire inside of me 

until You and i are one. I don't want to talk about You like You're not in the room. 

I want to look right at You, I want to see right to You. there's nothing, nothing i want more. 

i have decided, i have resolved to wait upon You Lord. 

my Rock and Redeemer shall not be moved. i'll wait on you Lord. 

Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ is coming again! 

The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace. 

The Cross before me, the world behind me. no turning back. 

till every tear is wiped away and orphans songs are turned to praise. till all is true, i'll follow You. 

till every heart knows Your name.

till all the nations sing Your praise. i have decided to follow Jesus. no turning back. 

i give my life to follow, everything i believe in. 

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. 

He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17 

As much as we sing to the Lord, even more so, He sings over us!

Psalm 24:1-6; Psalm 77:13

"Exalt the Lord your God and worship at His footstool; He is holy. Exalt the Lord our God and worship at His holy mountain, for the Lord our God is holy." Psalm 99:5&9

Isaiah 5:16; 6:3; 40:23-31;57:15

"The Lord is holy in His temple. Let all the Earth be silent before Him." Habakkuk 2:20

Rev. 4:8

I will love You enough to let go.

when did love become unmoving? when did love become unconsuming? 

forgetting what the world has told me, Father of love, You can have me. 

At the cross You beckon me, bring me gently to my knees. i am lost for words, so lost in love. sweetly broken. wholly surrendered.

i'm sorry Lord for the thing i've made it, it's all about You. 

what can i say? what can i do? but offer this heart completely to You. 

Your love is extravagant. Your friendship is intimate. spread wide in the arms of Christ. 

no greater love have i ever known. capture my heart again. 

You are holy, great and mighty! the moon and the stars declare who you are. 

forever my heart will sing of how great You are! 

Hallelujah! our God reigns! 

First I must be empty to be filled. 

Greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city! 

there are no strangers, there are no outcasts, there are no orphans of God. 

so many have fallen, but Hallelujah, there are no orphans of God!

OH HAPPY DAY!

worship=healing!!!

UNTIL THE WHOLE WORLD HEARS!

i have always loved worship. in any form or fashion. and especially through music. it just speaks to me. but i have never in my life encountered worship the way that i did that weekend. and for that, i will forever be changed. and i can't wait to do it again.

let the healing begin?

what if it's already begun....and you're just not really eager to catch up???

i never have really liked roller coasters. they make me want to vomit.

and the worst part about this one.....

i can't get off.

and maybe....

part of me doesn't really want to.

i don't know what to do with that.

i feel like, if i get off...

i might forget.

and i can't take that risk.

confusion...

overwhelming.

broken...the new series at church. "let the healing begin" was the title of this morning. we learned how we have to allow God into the brokenness, and let others know that we are broken, so that they can help us get to the point of allowing God into the brokenness. for healing.

God has done miraculous things in my life. he has brought me to a place, that 5 months ago, yes 5, i never dreamed i would be. He has healed parts of my heart that i didn't necessarily ask Him to heal. He has picked me up and spoken through me, and used me to reach others. i know that others hearts have been touched by God. they tell me. but somehow, even in the healing that has taken place, my head sees it, and my head understands it. i have encountered the God that i read about in the Bible. the God that i know, that i know, that i KNOW exists. my head has seen the miraculous things in my life. but my heart. oh my heart. my heart doesn't believe it sometimes. my heart is stuck, in the hospital room, holding my baby. my heart is stuck, on the floor, crying out to God. please help me Jesus. I can't do this without you. Jesus is helping, everyday. then why does it still hurt so bad. why can i not pick myself up off of this floor. literally. he sent angels to me today. and they carried me. but why. why do the things that i read and the things that i hear make sense in my head, but my heart refuses to listen.

i'm afraid. i dont want to listen. i don't want to let go of my broken heart. i'm fine with going throughout my day with a smile plastered on my face. everything is ok. i can pretend all day long. i can reach out to others and help them through their greatest needs. i can share Jesus to a dark and dying world. i can live with a God given purpose and do mighty things in His name. i'm fine with all that. really i am. but at the end of the day, when i crawl into bed, i long to go back to that place. to that cold sterile room, with my heart in my arms. where i could touch and feel and smell and see. that he was here, and he was real. he wasn't just a figment of my imagination. he was a part of me. he is a part of me. i never ever want to let that go. even with the ache that fills my heart with the thoughts and memories that flood my head. i need it, i crave it. i welcome the release of tears when they fall. it's like coming up out of the water and finally getting air.

sometimes i wonder. i don't think i'm very normal. to me it makes absolute and perfect sense. but i can see the looks of confused and worried faces of the kind souls reading this blog. i can feel their pity. and i can sense their pleas for the words to say. i don't remember what it was like to feel normal. i don't even know what is normal.

confusion...

overwhelming.